How I Must Live

    I'm sitting in my room bored shitless.  Actually I'm not exactly bored.  I

planned to spend the whole day writing or at least putting together some old

stuff to submit to publishers and magazines.  But in the mail today I got some

new CDs and a dress, so I decided to reorganize some stuff to make room.  I have

a shitload of tapes and CDs and videos and they are organized in their disarray--

I have each mess in my room in an order that I can figure out.  But I have been

meaning to do something about the general state of my sty.  I do not have plans--

Saturday nights mean nothing to me--and I do not have to get up early

tomorrow.

    As I went through the enormous collection of stuff I came across so many

things I did not realize I possessed.  Not that I was surprised, I just had no idea

or I forgot.  I came across a Talking Heads album--and I mean album, vinyl, if you

can believe that--I bought at a library book sale about ten years ago.  There were

three Simon and Garfunkels, a couple George Michaels, a few Bob Dylans.  I have a

wide range in my tastes, and it becomes more obvious to me every time I

review any of the things I collect.  Does it mean I'm well-rounded or schizophrenic

or confused or what? 

    I decided to put some of the cassettes in a tape holder my Dad found

somewhere.  Those particular tapes represented my youth and were alphabetized

and put in the thirty wooden slots.  It starts with C+C Music Factory and ends with

ZZ Top.  There's a lot of good stuff in there, lots of Duran Duran and Madonna.  I put

on The Immaculate Collection and sang every song--actually, I skipped

over "Cherish" and the slow stuff like "Crazy for You".  I was totally loving "Into the

Groove" and "Vogue" and "Justify My Love".  I remembered what I looked like when

those songs were out, what I was like, who I thought I was.  I don't know if I'm really

any different or if I'm just more aware of myself.  I've always been fairly intro-

spective, but I don't think I've always been very confident.  It wasn't until I really

liked my looks that I felt completely confident.  Shallow, I know, but I always

knew I was smart and funny and a decent person, I just never thought I was that

attractive.  It took a gay man to help me know that.

    I know I'm not the only woman who's had that experience.  I certainly not the

only hag in the world, but I am the best!  I guess my whole life doesn't really

revolve around gay guys, because I am passionate about so many things, but they

are a very big part of my life.  I will not analyze this, I will just keep writing and

let my story unfold.  I overexplain and overanalyze everything when I talk, and it's

very much annoying to read.

   

    I am listening to Jonathan Richman and the Modern Lovers, a best of CD.  I was

so glad I found it; I meant to buy their first album, since it's a classic punk

inspiration, but no one had it.  This will do.  What I like about Jonathan in the

simplicity of his lyrics.  He never wrote about drugs or sex or anything esoteric.  He

just wrote about what he saw around him, he wrote about kid stuff, he wrote

whatever the fuck he wanted.  He wasn't really concerned about selling records. 

That's true artistry, true rock-n-roll.  He just played because he enjoyed it.  That's

why I want to write, that's how I want to write.  I don't want to care if it sells, but I

don't know how I can do that if I want to do it for a living.  Truthfully I don't know

if I enjoy the process of writing more than the fact that I have written. I like

being a writer. I like saying that to people.  But I don't know how to write.  The

thousands of pages I have written over the years must mean something, there

must be something good in there, but I don't know what.  There's stuff I like and

stuff I hate, but more than that there's stuff I think is just plain mediocre, and

that is so much worse.

    I guess everything is mediocre to someone.  On the Road is a great book, but

it's just a simple adventure story.  Henry Miller was a pornographer.  Anyone

can use the word cunt; that doesn't mean you know how to write.  There are

books I've read that are supposed to be brilliant and I just think they're shit.

There's not much of Hemingway I can say I like.  I was forced to read The Old Man

and the Sea when I was in eighth grade and just hated it.  A Farewell to Arms was

okay, but I despised how much we had to analyze it.  Why can't a story just be a

story?  There can be lessons and morals in very simple tales.  I don't know how I

write, if it's simple or twisted, but all I'm really trying to do is tell an interesting

story.  If you learn something, fine, but I just want to tell you about my life.

    I don't yet know the point of my story.  I don't think I'm supposed to.  Not yet.