Struggle

Today was a hard day

I fought constantly with my mother

not a single nice word swapped

All the time I plan how to tell her

that I can't do it any more

how can I tell her that I want to give up?

to take away her dream...the dream she makes me live.

how can I tell her that I will be removing her bragging rights

on how well I perform for a crowd.

all the while I think she screams

informing me of how good I'm not and never will be

telling me to be more like the favoured ones.

while knowing I cannot

for though she thinks I'm great

she thinks that next to them...

I am poor.


My sister shouts "PLAY WITH ME"

tears streak her face

and she scrunches up her nose in distress.

but I'm too tired

mentally and physically

to play such childish games

as make believe.

reverting from her innocence into a screaming devil

she swears and cusses at me

shouting

"you SHIT"

as I tell her no and why

" It's going to be the same TOMMOROW and the day AFTER that

soon..we'll be ENEMIES not SISTERS!!"

These last words spoken with such anguish and regret that my heart lurches

but my limbs refuse to move.

and with a look of hate she blames me

for all her woes

saying venomously

" I have no friends, AND IT'S YOUR FAULT!

the advice you gave to me,

DROVE THEM AWAY..

and now you do the same to me..

SO I HATE YOU!"


So now I've lost a sister and now will lose everything.

we go out in the car and Mother screams at me.

telling me again and again that I'm making a mistake

that I AM the cause of her worries..

Money problems

and health problems.

it is mine. my fault. my burden to bear.

then my 1/2 sister calls.

she tells my mother

"we need to talk about YOUR girls"

she complains about me specifcally

says I'm not good for her boys

that I'm costing her money when we visit.

and that now she needs money to pay her rent

she wants my mother to bail her out

but she stubbornly refuses.

so when all else fails she turns to me.

the next who collects an income

after saying what she has I tell her coldly.

no.

I will not bail you out with my hard earned cash

I have refused her and in doing so lost her

her love her friendship and respect.

for life.

so now I've lost TWO sisters

and both are gone good.

Dad comes home and Mother pounces

calling a family discussion

she screams and screams

and eventually I tell them

I don't want to do it anymore

I don't want to go out and perform

I hate my musical instrument

that you refuse to let go.

so she tells me

" we'll pull you out of everything

school, music the lot!

you'll go to some cheap state school

and suffer with the lot.

you can kiss your future goodbye.

we'll make sure you're with the worst.

you'll grow up and clean toilets

and we won't even care"

she's telling me with alot of fancy words..

that if I ditch one then I have to ditch the other.

that I'll lose the lot if I dare


My Father sits there grimly

his face says it all

he'll do as I ask and support me

but I've lost him after there

because he honestly supports my mother

but will stick by me to be fair

so now I've lost my family.


my mother

father and sisters dear.

gone from me forever.

they no longer care

As I sit at my desk

I look at my wrists

the veins protude slightly

through my pale pale skin.

and I pick up the scissors beside me

and slice arcoss the vein

a tiny trickle of blood runs down

satisfied with that at least

I stem the flow of blood

still it is not enough.

to quench my hatred

of myself

I choke myself to the point that

when I finally let go and gasp for air.

my head spins

my stomach lurches..

and then I do it all over again.

later when my torture spree is over

I decide that I don't deserve

room to move

or air to breathe

I lock myself in my cupboard

in the dark


Today has sent me spinning into an abyss of self hate

and again I doubt id I'll return

if I'll recover from my pitt of despair

I know I'm not normal.

always either depressed or estatic

too stupid to ask for help when I'm happy

too depressed to care when I'm sad.

no inbetween to guide me

there is no going back

but I so desperately want someone to hear me

but I don't want to scar them back


when I wrote this item. it fitted on to five A4 notepad pages.

so there written above..

is a five page long expression of self hate

of desperation

and regret.