Rules of Engagement

                                          Rules of Engagement

Eleanor and Edward were standing in the lift of a large accounting company. They were both looking forward, not to anything in particular just, well… forward. There was an announcement;
“Attention all employees, according to national figures the world has fallen off its trolley. Thank you.”
Eleanor and Edward looked at one another and after calculating the risks of displaying their feelings on the matter, decided to wear faces of complete bemusement. They looked forward again. Edward grinned like a tiger, tilted his head from side to side and then returned his face to normal. Eleanor batted an eyelid… but not at Edward, still starring directly forward she began batting her eyelids at nothing in particular and then lifted her neck up for a moment. She returned to normal and then offered a polite smile to Edward who momentarily glanced over in her direction. Edward spoke in a soft neutral accent. He was Glaswegian but he didn’t want to offend his colleague just in case she had trouble understanding him. He said: 
“Well, that was odd wasn’t it?”
Eleanor looked back up at him and after attempting to discover any possible side motives he may have for making the comment, decided that perhaps the situation did in fact require a level of human response. She replied:
“Yes, I suppose it was.”
They continued to stare directly forward, making the odd sporadic movement of business like hair flicking or the precise readjustment of their silk woven ties before reverting back to their original positions. Another few minutes went by in complete silence before another announcement was made. It said:
“What the bloody hell are you two doing?”
Edward looked at Eleanor. Eleanor looked at Edward and then they both looked at the camera. Edward looked back at Eleanor.
“Do you think they are watching us?” he said,
Eleanor replied with a firm nod of the head and then spoke slowly.
“Yes, I suppose they must be.”
“Very well then.” Edward said.
“Indeed” replied Eleanor and smiled chirpily towards her tall colleague.
Edward rocked back on his carefully polished shoes and then back forward again. He began to look directly in front of him, caressing his chin once in awhile with his right hand. The announcer called over the intercom again.
“Yes hello, could we please isolate lift 412 and stop its progression up the tower of calculation please? Yes, thank you.”
The lift stopped and Eleanor turned to look at Edward. Edward looked back at Eleanor and smiled politely. Eleanor immediately did the same and looked slightly flustered for a moment but then regained control of herself and looked up at him.
“Well this is unusual isn’t it?”
Edward smiled down at her and responded in his sensible level tone.
“Yes, I suppose it would be, unusual, yes I believe that described the situation perfectly.”
“Good then.” She said, in a manner of fact tone.
“Well that’s good then isn’t it.” Edward replied
Eleanor nodded and straightened her suit.
“I’m sure they’ll have it up and running again promptly.”
Edward nodded firmly and clasped his hands tightly behind his back.
“Yes, promptly” He agreed.
They smiled at each other and shared a light chuckle. They both returned their wonderfully crafted heads into a forward facing position. A crackle sparked into life on the intercom system as another message was transferred through the wires.
“Hello, yes is that animal control? Excellent, could you please release several hundred rats into lift 412 please? Yes that’s right, the calculation tower. Thank you.”
Edward glanced over towards Eleanor who smiled uneasily back at him.
“Rats then.” Edward stated in a surprised manner and then made a face that suggested he was impressed. He let out a little chuckle and said:
“Rats indeed.”
Eleanor looked down towards the small hatch in the wall that had just opened and bit her lip momentarily before offering a closed mouth half smile towards Edward. Edward chuckled to himself again and shook his head; he placed his back against the wall of the lift and gradually sat down until he was level with the hatch. Squeaking began echoing through the lift, Eleanor looked up at the camera with pleading eyes… but she knew that no one was coming. The rats began to pour into the lift like water, running over each other in a desperate effort to find… whatever rats like to find… food probably.

Meanwhile, a large fat man was smoking a cigar, not out of enjoyment… more for effect. It’s leaves were gold plated and were specifically made by orphaned children, so that they might “touch the wealth that they may never own” in his own words anyway. He was sat in a gargantuan chair at the head of a large table… other fat men were sat in similar fashion, but in smaller chairs, each had a small pasty skinny man at their side… they were holding notebooks. Eleanor’s pleading eyes begged silently on the biggest screen in the world… they begged a fat man sat in a gargantuan chair… a chair made out of the last Polar Bear. The “chairmen” sat watching the screen, laughing as the rats crawled all over the two employees. After a short time, the grotesquely fine clothed obese man cradled by a stuffed polar bear, spoke… in a terribly deep guttural tone, as he did so a fine spray swept across the table.

“Well, that should be enough for today gentlemen, please help yourself to the buffet on floor seven as usual, and I’ll see you all next week.”

The men began to wheel themselves away in their motorised chairs. The head waited for a long time… a time when he was absolutely certain the other fat men had completely disappeared and then began to unbuckle himself from the chair. He stood quickly and released his grotesque fat suit, which flopped down to the floor like greasy jelly. He ran over to the screen and threw the cigar to the floor and took the smaller, personal microphone in his hand. He removed the invisible patch from his throat and spoke at the screen… It was direct to Eleanor. His voice resonated like a harp, each tone as beautiful and pure as the last, nothing like the disgusting guttural sound that insulted the air before it.

“Eleanor do it now, for the good of the nation, you must do this for the world. For too long have we slaved under the spiteful opinions of those insecure bastards who will point and judge with no reflection on themselves. A peace has been denied this world for the selfish, greedy acts of others. Just for once, even if it’s the last selfless act on the planet, lets do something for others.”

Eleanor nodded and looked at Edward, Edward looked at Eleanor, and then they both looked at the camera. Then Eleanor pulled a revolver from her pocket and lifted it to Edward’s head. Edward looked back at Eleanor…

“Your magazine’s encourage anorexia, vanity, selfishness, sexism and mess up young minds like the worlds never witnessed. I hope in hell they teach you morals with a knife on a whip”

The revolver shouted six times and Edward never looked at anything again, his smarmy arrogant gaze was eaten by the rats along with his eyes and his shiny shoes were stained in a pretty co-ordination with the rest of the lift.