A Conversation with my Inner Child

A recent conversation with my inner child:

IC: Whats-a-matter?  Why're you crying?

Me: I was looking through this bag I took with me to Las Vegas. Memories of that trip overwhelmed me and I got a little choked up.

IC: But why? You said you had sooooooo much fun there!

Me: (weak smile) I did, a truly life changing time, but not everything is black and white. Some tears are happy tears, some are sad. Just like some experiences can be good and some bad, but still add up to amazing. You are young, and it is hard to explain.

IC: (harumphs) Whatever!  Do you really really really like him?

Me: (lost in thought) What....who?

IC: Drake, you dork!

Me: (sniff, giggle) Yes, very much so.

IC: Does he really really really like you too?

Me: Yes, I think he does.

IC: Is he fun to play with?

Me: (big smile) Most definitely, I have not met a man yet whose company I enjoy more. I feel really comfortable with him, I can be myself and say anything to him. He may snap back with a sarcastic comment, but it usually makes me laugh. And there are so many things that we have in common and enjoy doing together.

IC: Ok, if you like him THAT much why don't you marry him?

Me: (laughing) It’s complicated. We live far apart for one thing.

IC: Duh! You can move.

Me: It’s not that simple. I can't afford California right now.

IC: So, get a better job.

Me: I need more education and experience to get that kind of job.

IC: But you DO go to school.

Me: Yes, but I have over 2 years to go before I am done. These things take time. Anyway, it isn’t just about jobs, education or location. There are some other things that might make things difficult, like my kids.

IC: (perplexed) So what? Doesn't he like kids?

Me: He likes kids, but doesn’t know if he wants any. And I think I pretty much killed any chance of him ever thinking about it with me by telling him how “special” my boys are.

IC: They aren’t THAT bad. I like them! They are cool, especially the oldest one. He draws the coolest pictures.

Me: (smiling) I know you do. Most people who get to know them like them. I guess he worries about how he would deal with that kind of upheaval in his life. It would be a huge adjustment. He is used to living by himself. You have to remember, all he has are Floppo and Sneakers.  They don’t talk back and make messes. Well, not as much as kids do anyway. And while the kitties certainly present their share of challenges, it is a whole different ballgame with children. I have had them their whole lives, Drake has never had kids.

IC: (giggling) You could always go to the headshrinker.

Me: (chuckling) Yes, that thought crossed my mind. In fact Drake already sees a therapist. He is trying really hard to figure things out about himself.  He wants to understand the things he does and says. I admire that about him, he knows he is not perfect and is trying to make himself a better person.

IC: (matter-of-factly) Well, I think you should just run away to California and see what happens. I mean, if I liked a boy as much as you guys like each other, that's what I would do.

Me: That is because you don’t understand the ways of the world yet sweetie. There will be times when you want something with all your might, and can *almost* grasp it, but it remains just out of reach. You can either walk away and try to forget about it, force the issue and risk losing it forever, or you can stay as close as you can and enjoy being near it. It doesn't always work out like you want it to, but it is possible. I wouldn’t trade my time with Drake for anything. He is a wonderful man and I love him.

IC: (puzzled) That's just silly. If something was that close, and I wanted it super bad, I'd get a chair to stand on and grab it! Aren't you sposed to go after what you want?

Me: (wistfully) Someday you will understand. Have you ever heard the saying “If you love something set it free, if it returns to you it is yours, if it doesn’t it never was”?

IC: (sigh) I dunno.

Me: Well, it is true. If I push this situation with Drake I may lose him completely. Our friendship means so much to me that I am not willing to risk it for selfish reasons. I have no idea what will happen in the future. Maybe someday, when we are old and gray, we can be together. I just know that a future with Drake in it, as my friend, beats the heck out of a future without him in it at all.

IC: (exasperated) Geez! Grown-ups are soooooo confusing! I hope I never get old!