First Time.....Dear me entry

Dear Me,
    For the first time in my life I look forward to what the future holds for me. I want to keep close those who are already here. I want to be careful of who I let in for fear of upset. For the first time I want everything to stay just as it is. I'm not dreaming of what it would be like "if only". I'm not making plans to replace or repair anything or anyone. I'm not dreading the next morning as I put to bed another disappointing day.
    The only worries I have are of what fate holds for me. I fear my destiny may not agree with my preferences. I sometimes wonder if this happiness I feel now is payment for all the unhappiness of the past, or if it is something temporary, meant only to teach me a lesson when it is yanked from my reach. The lesson being that I caused all of my own unhappiness. The lesson being that I should have taken control a long time ago, rather than allowing my life to be a series of reactions to others' actions. A lesson to not just sit back and let life go on around me. A lesson to finally prove that people only treat us as badly as we allow.
    I don't have the power or the right to expect others to change for me, but I do however, have the power to not let myself be caught up in their turmoil, to not be a victim. If someone has shown themselves to be untrustworthy to others it is perfectly acceptable and also sensible to assume they will be that way sooner or later with me too. If they prove me wrong it will be a pleasant surprise but if proven right the loss will be much less costly. To not be a victim of circumstance is what my goal should be for all of my relationships of life. If I owned a stock that were losing money would I put more money into it, or would I watch it closely and wait until it proves itself worthy? Emotions are the currency of life and I can only lose what I risk.
    In this new year I will take more risks in my writing and less risks in my relationships. Up until now I have been afraid to let others read my work. I've always felt that if I allow people to see that I do have feelings, that I can be hurt just as easily as others they may use it against me. Many years ago I allowed my now ex-significant other to read my poem "Pass The Plate" and he mocked me for it. He couldn't comprehend that I could write something that "dark" and it not be a reflection of how I saw my life. He looked at me as though the horns were pointing out through my hair. I suspect he waited for me to fall asleep and checked behind my ear for three sixes. He is the type of person who needs to put everyone else down so he can be superior in comparison. For a long time I lived my life at the level he set for me. The year 2007 will be the year I gain strength and free myself of the shackles of insecurity that have weighed me down for twenty years.
    In this new year I will make a permanent and devoted return to my writing. I will share my writing with those who have shown they can be trusted with the deepest most fragile parts of my soul and all others will be delegated to only reading my Letters to the Editor in our local newspaper.
    In this new year I will finally gather all the scraps and notebook pages of thoughts and unfinished stories to put them on my computer and finish them. I will finally organize my thoughts, efforts and writing into a life of being a writer.
    In this new year I promise to finish my first collection of short stories and submit it to at least one publisher.
    Last, but certainly not least, I promise that when I meet someone new and they ask what I do I will hold my head high and answer, "I am a writer".