How To Become A Villian

         The first thing you need to know about being a villain is that being a villain ultimately means that you are not human. Being a villain suggest that you were either once a human now corrupted by darkness, which is not human, or that you were not human to begin with. Secondly being humans means that you cannot under any circumstances show any human characteristics, nor should you encourage becoming human entirely.
         Thirdly you must realize that the human race is an invaluable race. Understand this once you take over humanity you pretty have everything else taken over as well. When taking over large populations of people, it is first important to establish ones self, you can do this several ways. Many villains of the past find fairy-tales instrumental in establishing a reputation. Other villains simply build a log house in a deserted place and hang dead chickens on the porch, inhabit a “haunted” house, lure little children down lovely little forest lanes only to turn around and yell BOO at them, or yell insults when the neighborhood child accidentally throws some object onto your lawn. Of course if none of things work you could always just climb to highest area in your population and yell at the top of your lungs “I am now a villain”, publish a wanted add in the newspaper asking for people to give up their souls to your cause of taking over the world, or in the add section of the paper simply announce that all people not wishing to be taken over in the next week must evacuate immediately.
         Now, that you have established your reputation in the population you must not hesitate to begin your villainous acts right away. If you hesitate people may assume you are hoax, or worse they will have more time to form a plan to hunt you down, which is something you do not want. Now as villain it is extremely important that you do not under any circumstances form any sort of plan, for this would involve hesitation, which you are avoiding. Besides plans are for Hero’s (for more on the hero see our article THE HERO) you are most certainty not the hero.
         Of course your villainous acts should involves either some sort of world domination, the daughter of a King and Queen or another hoity-toity, a plan for taking over a magical realm, a plan to kill off some race of magical creatures usually fairies, or some other completely vile act. Of course some villains find that these things are too much and settle for easier conquest, such as taking over all the chocolate in the world, becoming millionaires, forcing some poor person to marry them, or stealing all the “Christmas Joy”/candy/cookies/shit from the children of the world.
         Whatever your villainous acts are to be you must under no conceivable way be subtle about your demands. You must make your demands with theatrics such as holding a knife to the hoity-toity’s heirs neck, or holding up a remote and declaring if you push it the “who is in charge” will die, having lots of fireworks and using a blimp to present your demands to the masses, though the blimp may work on it’s own if it light outside, announcing your plans on a T.V. set/internet/radio, or any other dramatic way you can possible think of in very short time, remember you are not suppose to have a plan.
         When you have accomplished getting your demands out you must prepare yourself. Under ordinary circumstances the hero and the hero’s fairy godmother, the other people and the hero’s army will come looking for you. Whatever your plan maybe, it is probably best that it is a very, very good plan. It helps if the plan was subtle, and well thought out, though mind you, there is limited time to think in.
         Now should the hero and his followers find you, it helps if you have an army with you, however if you do not then the best suggestion is to run. If you do not have an army at all then you are most likely very much out of luck, but if you do run to that army. If you have a fortress take the army to the fortress barricade yourself and your hostage (if you have one) inside the fortress, and place your army outside.
         Here after a tremendous battle will occur and the winner usually gets whatever it is they want. It is our greatest wish that the winner is you.

In order to achieve the best villainous out come you must buy your self a dark ominous costume, you must wear it all time, do not wash it, it will add to your character, sleep in it, eat in, bathe in it. You may want to purchase the following items as well: a fortress, a blimp, an army, various poisons, labels that look spinster to put on your poisons. If for any reason you are not to live through this or you suffer greatly, or loose we the writers of this article are not in any way reliable. If by any chance a villain is to take over humanity we the writers of this article are not reliable. If by any chance you the villain are to become extremely angry with us because you lost or something, remember that you made the choices that put you there and you obviously did something wrong because we are completely right and we always will be!!