Red Riding Hood Remake

Ah, Red Riding Hood…

***
         

         Red Riding Hood was a fine young woman, her golden locks shining in the warm forest sunlight. She was thus named because her grandmother had knitted her a red hood for her 15th birthday. Red Riding Hood, being from a poor family, cherished the hood for all her life, and thus adopted that name (her previous name is unknown).
         Red Riding Hood was walking in the woods on her way to visit her grandmother when along came Mr Wolf. Mr Wolf, as his name suggests, was a wolf, but in the fairytale world we all know that wolves talk, bears live in houses, and pigs build houses. Mr Wolf, who had been wandering the forest after unsuccessfully attempting to blow down the third pig’s house, figured that Red Riding Hood wouldn’t be walking alone in the woods unless she was going somewhere, or rather to someone. After the disappointment of letting the pigs escape, Mr Wolf figured that two humans would be a fair consolation, rather that one. His mouth watered at the thought of it.
         As we were saying, along came Mr Wolf, and started up conversation with Red Riding Hood- again, don’t ask me to explain how a wolf can talk.
         “Hello Red Riding Hood- where are you off to?” said Mr Wolf (again, don’t ask me how he knows her name)
         “Hello Mr Wolf!” replied Red Riding Hood (like I said, she just knows his name). “I am off to Grandmother’s house because I miss her ever so much!”
         “Oh, I see,” said Mr Wolf, “and where does your grandmother live?”
         “In a clearing about an hour’s walk on this path,” said Red Riding Hood.
         Mr Wolf was delighted that Red Riding Hood could ever be so stupid to let a wolf know where she was going and where her grandmother lived- the Three Little Pigs, at least, had had a bit more sense than she.
         After bidding farewell to Red Riding Hood, Mr Wolf sprinted as fast as he could to Grandma’s house. Posing as Red Riding Hood, Mr Wolf broke in and devoured Grandma. No sooner had he hidden her bones beneath the bed when he heard a knock on the door. Cursing himself for taking so long on Grandma’s legs, he swung around to face the door, ready to maul and devour Red Riding Hood.
         “Who is it?” asked Mr Wolf in a cheesy falsetto voice.
         “It’s me- Red Riding Hood!” replied a voice outside.
         The door swung open to reveal not only Red Riding Hood, but the Three Little Pigs and a huge boar with huge, sharp tusks, and knuckle busters, who was really the Pigs’ cousin.
         “That’s the wolf that destroyed our homes!” chorused the Three Little Pigs.
         “That’s the wolf who was stalking me!” cried Red Riding Hood, and after seeing grandma’s hairnet stuck in Mr Wolf’s teeth, “and he’s killed Grandma!”
         The big boar cracked its knuckles. Mr Wolf gulped, cornered…

         At length, a woodcutter was walking past when he heard a commotion inside Grandma’s house. The woodcutter, who always knew Grandma to be a quiet, docile woman, took his axe and charged into the house only to find the Three Little Pigs, Red Riding Hood, and a big boar methodically taking it in turns to hold and punch Mr Wolf. Red Riding Hood, who was taking a break, spotted the woodcutter.
         “What?” (Although Red Riding Hood was quite pretty, she was quite spoilt)
         “I heard a commotion in here so I came to save…” started the woodcutter.
         “I don’t NEED saving, thankyou very much. Go flaunt your chauvinism elsewhere!”
         “But Little Red Riding…”
         “LITTLE?” bellowed Red Riding Hood. “Little? WHO ARE YOU CALLING LITTLE?”
         “But I came to save you from these foul creatures who…” started the woodcutter again.
         “WHO ARE YOU CALLING LITTLE?” chorused the Three Little Pigs and their cousin. The boar dropped the bloody carcass of Mr Wolf and grabbed the woodcutter.
         
***

         “Ah, Red Riding hood…that *&^$!” cursed woodcutter.