to my baby

Hi,

I know you never got to see you grow, but I feel like I know you.

When I took the pregnancy test and it came out positive I couldn't believe it, so I took four more tests! I still didn't really believe until three days later, when I went to the hospital to have a scan. That's when the doctors said I was pregnant with you. I was five weeks along.

The doctors and I couldn't believe that I had become pregnant; I was told that it could never happen. But I did, with you. You were a miracle. I was so happy, over the moon. Even with the terrible morning sickness that I hated I was still ecstatic.

Then all my happiness was crushed. When I got to twenty weeks with you I went to the hospital for my routine check-up and the doctors told me that you were small for your age. They said that you wouldn't live for the full term, that I would lose you in two to three weeks. You had an illness that few babies wouldn't survive but there was a 2% chance that you might last full term. They told me that even if by some miracle you made it to forty weeks, you could still die.

When I got that heartbreaking news, I cried and cried. When I told people what the doctors had said they told me to get rid of you, not to hold on just in case you didn't live or came out damaged. But I never listen. I just told my self you would live and I would love you no matter what.

I had to go to the hospital twice a week to see how you were doing and to make sure I was okay. I had bed rest from then onwards and there was a lot that I wasn't allowed to do.

I started to pray to God for you to live and stay with me. I prayed everyday, more than once. I used to talk to you continuously, I cried all the time. I was scared to sleep in case when I woke up I had lost you.

I ignored what the doctors said to me because you were doing so well, each week they were surprised to see you alive. Every time I was terrified, expecting them to tell me that you had gone but instead you kept growing. They tried to tell me that you probably would not live but I didn't want to hear it. I saw you on the screen at the scans, moving about and kicking. You wouldn't keep still for the doctors to do their tests and they had to wait for you to calm down!

Time past and I was close to full term. This was when I thought that you would live.

I was at home when the midwife came round and she went to check your heart beat with the sonic equipment. She couldn't find it. She tried for twenty minutes then gave up. She said I had to go to hospital to have a scan done and to pack an overnight bag in case I had to stay in. While packing, I felt you weren't alive inside me but I kept on holding on to a faint hope that you were.

I went to the maternity wing and they did their scan. I couldn't look because I didn't want to know that you had gone. Finally the doctor told me that he was really sorry, but you had gone. I cried and cried. The consultant came down and calmed me before telling me that though she was sorry, I would have to give birth to you. I insisted that I didn't want to, you were mine, but she said if I didn't I would kill myself. After much agonizing I agreed to give birth.

I didn't think I could. Didn't think I had the strength to do that.

They induced my labour. A few hours later at about 12:30 am, after your father had left me to rest, the pains started. At about 2am it got worse and I had gas and air to help me with the pain.

It was 4:10 when you were born.

The midwife took you away to clean you up and dress you. She brought you back to me so I could see you and hold you. She put you in my arms and that's when I was flooded with all the love that I had for you. I told you how much I love you, how I was here for you and how much you look like your dad. I was looking at you and thinking about how I was going to take you home, the trauma was too much and I forgot that you weren't really with me.

The midwife came back and told me that she had to take you back and that I needed to say goodbye. I didn't want to. I kept telling you how much I love you and I will miss you so much, and that I wouldn't forget about you, ever. I really didn't want to let you go.


Like I said to you that night when I held you in my arms, I will never forget about you and I haven't. I often look at your picture and you are always on my mind.

I just wish you were here with me now.

Love you so much son.