Your Eulogy Is Like Poetry

I stare into the blank corner where the two walls meet. I gently pull my legs to my chest and rest my chin on my knees. I blink to scare the tears away. It didn't work. It never does. A stream of sorrow and black mascara began to run down my cheek. I buried my face into my knees to muffle the sound. It seemed as if the pain would never stop. It never did. I've seen this scene before. I play it over and over again in my head, trying to figure out a way to keep it from happening. And yet, it always turned out this way. The wall. The bruises. The broken heart. The painful tears. Every night the same routine and every night the same results.

"Oh my gosh, Jewls, another adorable outfit!" I could hear Stephen's voice exclaim the second I walked into school.

"Oh thanks. You really think so?" I tried to seem interested in his opinion.

"Well of course. Have you looked at yourself? Purple leggings under a white-washed denim mini-skirt with a long purple tank top, so hot. And those bohemian earrings and almost-too-long necklace tops it off. It's so in right now." Stephen's narration of my outfit was just about perfect in description.

"Thanks, I'm glad you like it. I've really got to get to class." I said, making it seem as if I actually had somewhere to be.

"Aight girl. Much love." He blew a kiss goodbye and headed down the hallway.

"Stephanie, is that you girl? Yous looking fine today!" I heard him say behind me. I smiled to myself and started walking towards my first class. This conversation happened just about every morning at school except the outfit was different. His voice grew to sicken me. And his grammar. Words like "aight" and "yous" made me throw up in my mouth a little. Last time I checked there was an "l" and an "r" in "alright" and there was no "s" after the word "you". This ideas exited my head when the next greeter approached me.

"Hey Julia. What's up?" Jordynn asked when she came up to me.

"Nothing much, you?" I replied. Jordynn was my best friend and has been forever. So when I talked to her, I was actually interested in what she had to say.

"Everything. I spent all night writing an essay for English and a DBQ for AP US. To top that all off, I also had 3, yeah you heard me right, 3 pages of Pre-Cal homework. Physics was the only class to give me a break with only a worksheet for homework."

"Aww I'm sorry babe. Atleast you got it all done." I could tell she had been stressing.

"Yeah. So umm how are things with you?"The tone of her voice became serious and she lowered her head a little.

"Okay right now. I'm just a little nervous, that's all." I lowered my voice a little.

"Have you told him yet?" She looked at me with stone eyes.

"Not yet-"

"You have to tell him Julia! You can't do this by yourself."

"I know, I know. I'll tell him today, okay?"

"Okay, promise?"

"Promise."

The bell rang and we parted ways. Jordynn was the only person I had told. I couldn't trust anyone else with this. And if I told my parents? I would be dead by now. Everyone will have to find out sometime I guess. But not now. Not now and not soon I hope. I walked into Algebra 2 trying to regain my normal happy facade. I guess it worked because no one asked if anything was wrong. I wonder if they would have asked even if they did notice.

First block: a painful excuse for education. I could barely concentrate on the variety of x's and y's with all the other things running through my mind. The descion to tell him or not tell him was tougher than you might think. I was pretty sure he loved me but then again it's only been about a year and a half of dating. How would he react? I hoped he would just hold me and tell me we would get through this together. But what if he didn't. What if he cast me away and never spoke to me again. What if I never saw him again. What if I was forced to deal with this by myself for the rest of my life. I didn't cause this all by myself, he could atleast be there for me.

Bell rings. Class is over. I struggle my way through the normal school day routine. Go to class. Sit down. Pay attention. Take notes. Get up again and move to the next class. School was basically insanity. Doing the same actions every day expecting a different result. Well today I would be doing something different and getting an extremely different result. I was going to tell Peter the truth today. All day I was calculating all the different outcomes of the action. He could hold me and cry with me and tell me that he loves me. He could cast me away and avoid me for the rest of my life. I didn't want the second option to become the outcome. It would tear apart my life even worse than if my parents found out. Peter was the only support I could count on through this. Without him, I don't know. Without him I would be nothing, have nothing. I can only wish that he feels the same way.

The bell rings to signify another end to a repatative day of school. The whole student population seemed to rise at the same time and head towards the school entrance. I was one of the few kids that didn't head straight to the door to leave. Peter always waited for me after school. It was the only time we saw each other during the school day and yet it was the best part of the day. Its kind of hard to believe that we stayed together this long only seeing each other at the end of the day and on weekends. I stood and waited by the entrance to the school while everyone else seemed to swarm around me. I was suprisingly chilly for this time of the year, it's only September. I crossed my arms trying to keep myself warm. I finally saw Peter's tall, blonde figure walking down the hall. Once he caught a glance of me he smiled. I always thought we were an odd couple. I mean, personality wise, we were a match made in heaven but appearance wise, we were total opposites. He was tall with short blonde hair and blue eyes. He was tan all year round and had a million dollar smile. I was shorter with dark brown hair and peircing blue eyes. I was usually tan but standing next to him I almost looked white and my smile couldn't compete with his. When he had finally reached me he put his arms around me and gave me a small kiss on the lips. I smiled up at him but the smile quickly faded.

"What's going on babe?" He asked as his eyes became serious.

"I think we need to talk." It took all the courage I had within myself to say those few words. All the stress and worry I had put into this was all released by 6 little words. However, those six words carried with them the most life changing experience to ever happen to me and the story that followed was not an easy one to tell.

We exited the school through the main entrance with the bulk of the other students. However, we didn't follow the seemingly large herd of cattle to the buses. We instead walked around to a park bench behind the school. We sat down on the newly refurnished wood and began the painful discussion. He placed his arm around me to keep me warm.

"So, what's on your mind Julia?" Peter asked, I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was concerned.

"Well um..you see...do you remember what happened about two weeks ago?" I asked, trying to avoid eye contact.

He smiled and laughed a little. "Of course I remember. How could I forget?" He rubbed my arm trying to comfort me. However, his smile faded almost as quickly as it came when he saw the expression on my face.

"Why? What's wrong?" He tried to look into my eyes but I turned my face away in shame.

"Julia, answer me, what's going on? Did we move to fast? If you were uncomfortable we don't have to do it again, I mean, I want what you want." Peter seemed so sincere with what he was saying, I knew now was the time to tell him.

"No, we weren't moving to fast and loved every second of it. It's just...well...Peter I'm pregnant." I felt a tear stream down my cheek and tried to stop those that followed.

"What? No, that can't be right. It was only our first time." Peter was shocked and his facail expression showed it.

"I'm so sorry Peter." It was impossible to stop the tears now. I was trembling from the sobs.

Peter threw both his arms around me and held me closer than ever before.

"It's okay baby. We'll get through this. I love you and this can only bring us closer. I would never leave you. It takes two to make a baby and there will be two people taking care of it."

I buried my face in his chest and let go of all the tears that I had been hiding inside of me. In that instance my shoulders were relieved of a load too heavy for one individual to carry themselves. And with each word he spoke and I was assured that he would be there for me. I felt that together we would get through this. Once I could regain my speech the story of how everything came about unfolded. I told him that Jordynn was the only other person to know and that I wanted to keep it that way. We decided to keep the pregnancy secret, even from our parents. We knew we had to tell them sometime, but now was not the time. We had to figure out what to do with ourselves before we brought other people into this.

As the conversation closed and both of us had cried out every tear in our bodies we began to look our surrondings. Only a few teachers were still exiting the building. All the students had left and the buses had pulled out around half an hour ago.

"Crap, I missed the bus. My father is gonna kill me if I don't get home in time." I said shaking my head. I may be a junior but I have a late birthday and I'm still not eligible to get my liscense.

"Is that even worth worrying about right now?" Peter asked with a slight smile on his face, "I'll drive you home baby." He kissed me on my forehead and helped me up from the bench. He took my hand and escorted me to his 1997 Nissan Maxima. I always thought it was a cute car. It was a light shade of blue with black trim. Peter always said it was such a feminine car. But atleast he had a car. Even when I did get my liscense I probably wouldn't get a car. A car would give my father less control over me and he wouldn't have that happen.

Peter opened the door for me and shut it after I had slid into the passengers seat. It took him a few seconds to walk around the front of the car and open the drivers side door. He climbed in to the drivers seat and slid his keys into the egnition. The car's engine roared and he closed his door and buckled his seat belt. He was also so careful about everything he did. Always making sure he was safe when driving. Always double checking his work. Always re-reading essays he wrote. I guess that's what made my pregnancy so ironic. Both of us were so careful about everything we did but when it came to sex we weren't cautious at all. Maybe it shows some immaturity that we didn't realize we had. Perhaps we weren't ready to make that step. I guess none of that matters now, what's done is done and now we're dealing with the consquences.

"Baby, trust me, everything is going to be okay." Peter comforted me when we pulled into my driveway. I hadn't realized we were already at my house. My mind and been swarming with so many thoughts that the whole drive seemed to go by in a flash.

"I know it will. I just need you to be with me." I answered. I think it was the first time I looked into his eyes all day. His lips cracked a small smile and he kissed me goodbye.

"I'll see you tomorrow Julia, okay?" His farewell seemed so normal and unconcerned.

"Yeah, no problem." I tried to play off the idea that I was completely calm like he was as I opened the door and unbuckled my seat belt.

"Julia, I love you." He must have read the concern in my voice.

"I love you too." I smiled at him and got out of the car. As I closed the door behind me Peter waved and started backing the car out. He waited in the driveway until I got in the house to make sure I wasn't locked out. Once I opened the side door to my house he finished backing out and drove off on the main road. I breathed a sigh of relief. I actually told him. I never thought I would work up the courage to do it but I did. Now only one obstacle was in my way and it was going to be the hardest one to deal with: my father.

I entered my house and dropped my bag next to the couch to the left of the door. When I looked up that angry, glaring eyes of my father were staring down at me from the top of the stairs. At this moment all the good feelings of finally telling Peter disappeared into an abyss and were replaced with the fear I felt every time I looked into my father's eyes.

"Where have you been Julia Kimberly Monroe? The bus was here about ten minutes ago." His voice was filled with a false sense of indifference.

"Sorry father, I should have told you earlier, I re-took a test in Physics after school today to improve the first score I received on it." A simple false statement that could either save me or break me.

"Well as long as it was for the benefit of your education." He descended down the stairs and put his arm around my shoulder. I tried not to flinch. However, the smile from my father's face disappeared in a flash as a new thought slithered it's way into his head.

"Sweetheart, how did you get home today if you didn't ride the bus?" Great. This is the question I had been hoping he wouldn't ask.

"Oh, well, Peter just drove me home." I tried to make it seem as if it was no big deal. My father didn't take it that way.

"Oh, Peter? You know I don't approve of this Julia. There will be no dating in my household." I laughed in my mind at what he just said.

"I'm sorry father, it was just a ride home. It won't happen again."

"I know it won't. Now go do your homework. I expect dinner around 6 o'clock today."

"Yes father." I turned around and retrieved my back pack from where I had put it down. My father had returned to his office and I made my way to my room to do my homework. I entered my bedroom and sat into the wooden chair at my desk. I turned on my study lamp and took out my binder for AP Euro. I had a few pages of reading to do, but I had already done most of it over the weekend. So, instead of actually reading, I thought. The things my father had just said were slightly humorous to me. "There will be no dating in my household". It made me laugh. Peter and I had been dating for a year and a half and my father was clueless. It's sometimes hard to keep it quiet though. Our whole relationship was a web of lies and nights of sneaking out. My consciense grows heavier every time I break another of my father's rules. But I love Peter and nothing is going to keep us apart. Not even my father and his dictatorship could restrain us from each other. People say love is the strongest bond known to man. If Peter and I doesn't prove that, than I don't know what does.

The next few months were some of the happiest months of my life. In this time period, Peter and I were making plans and falling even more in love than we were before. He drove me to the doctor for check ups on how the pregnancy was going. We decided that we didn't want to know the gender of our baby. Jordynn bought some of the most adorable pale green baby outfits for us. I knew that she was going to be there for me through this whole process. The one day that sticks out in my mind the most is when Peter met me after school with a teddy bear. He said he wanted it to be in the crib with the baby at the hospital the day it was delievered. It was in that moment I was assured that Peter was going to be in this for the long haul. We even started discussing baby names; Bryan Jacob if it was a boy and Ashley Angel if it was a girl. It was as if our whole relationship was growing deeper and deeper. It made me feel foolish for even thinking that Peter might have left me. But after about three months, the hardest thing I've ever had to do crept up on me sooner than I had anticipated.

I had kept all the baby presents I had recieved from Peter and Jordynn hidden away in box behind the dresser in my room. I knew my father could never find it there, sometimes I even forgot I had put it there. I was certain he would never find it, but obviously certainty isn't absolute. One afternoon I came home from a hospital visit with Peter and my father was waiting outside the door for me. I gazed at Peter with shock. He seemed to be as suprised as I was. My mind started to race. What was I going to say? He had forbidden me to see Peter. And where would I tell him we were? It's not like I can just come out and say that I'm pregnant. My face was flushed and my heart was beating so hard it felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. As soon as the car pulled into the driveway my father came to the passenger side door of Peter's car and flung it open. He threw something into my lap. I picked it up and broke down in tears. It was one of the pale green baby outfits that Jordynn had given me.

"Well, how are you going to explain this Julia?" My father was struggling to maintain a relatively normal tone of voice.

I couldn't even look at him. Lies and excuses were swarming through my brain. However none of them would work, only the truth could cleanse my soul of the misery I had been putting myself through these past few months.

"Father, I'm pregnant." I choked on the words as they slid out of my mouth. This seemed to be the only time in my life that I looked my father in his eyes. It was also the first time I had ever since an expression of pure shock on his face.

"You! You did this to my daughter, didn't you?!" His attention was no longer directed towards me. Both his eyes full of fury were focused on Peter.

"Did this to her? Mr. Monroe, with all do respect, all I have done is loved her and cared for her." Peter knew that if I felt it was the right time to expose the truth to my father that he could no longer cover up the lies he had been living.

"You call this loving her and caring for her? My dear Julia is still in high school and you've impregnanted her! Do you even comprehend how this is going to destroy her life?" My father was no longer even trying to seem calm about the situation. It was just flat out rage and fury.

"I realize how this COULD destroy her life, but I'm not going to let it. I'll be there very single step of the way and we are going to get through this together and I can garauntee you there is NOTHING you can do to stop me from doing it."

The next moments seemed to blur in my memory. All I saw was my father's arm extend across my chest and Peter's head slam against the steering wheel.

"FATHER!" I screamed trying to save Peter from the inevitable.

"Darling I'm doing what is best for you." My father could barely get the words out through the deep breaths he was taking as he attacked Peter.

I unfastened my seatbelt and through myself onto my father. His body fell to the ground and I rushed to the driver's side door and pulled it open. Peter was hardly conscious. I undid his seatbelt and pulled him out of the car. I tried to keep his head up so he could get as much air as possible. By this time my father had raised himself from the ground and was working his way to where I was tending to Peter. I extended my leg and kicked him behind the knee. His knees buckled and he fell to the ground in front of the car. In that split second my emotions seemed to overtake me. I pulled Peter up and layed him in the back seat of his Maxima. After slamming the door shut, I climbed into the drivers seat and put the car in reverse. I slammed on the gas and backed out of the driveway as my father was trying to pull himself up from the ground. I couldn't believe what I was doing. Not only had I exposed the most painful secret I had ever kept to my father but I had also attacked him and ran away from home. I wasn't going too far, I was only going to the hospital to get someone to take care of Peter but the distance didn't matter. It was the fact that I had dileberately disobeyed his orders and left. On top of all the personal problems I was fighting with, I was also breaking the law. I didn't have my liscense and I was driving without an adult in the car. A car that at the moment is technically stolen. As these ideas swarmed my mind, I was drawing nearer and nearer to the hospital. I turned into the entrance and parked as close to the door as I could. I crawled out of the driver's seat and opened the door to the back seat.