Thoughts on Singleness

Just as an experiment I did a Google search online for the phrase “Christian Singleness”. I got a result of 440,000 websites specifically dedicated to single Christians. From magazine articles to dating sites to chat rooms to holidays. I actually found one piece on “How to celebrate Valentines Day as a Christian single". It made me realise that there is a real need out there and I don’t think it’s going to be answered by more websites!

Why? Why are there so many lonely people in the church? Why should we who are set apart from the world feel like we need to constantly find ways to feel included?

Jesus is totally relevant for all of us in every situation. I sometimes wish Paul had added an extra line to his words in Galatians Chapter 3:28, something along the lines of “neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, married nor single, for you are all one in Jesus Christ.

Personally, I am not all that keen on “singles” ministry. Please hear what I am saying, I am not saying that they are not of God or that single people’s issues are not important, I am single myself, but I sometimes get concerned when the church becomes lots of different groups rather than functioning as one body. In our own families we don’t separate off in such ways, so is it always necessary in our church family? When I first started going to Christian conferences I used to make a point of going to the seminars on “Singleness”. It didn’t take too many years before it seemed to me they were just an opportunity to have a good moan about how marginalised single people were in churches. At the last one I attended, by the way, why do these seminars always seem to be led by “smug marrieds”?, (thanks Bridgett Jones for that fantastic phrase) I just wanted to stand up and shout, “for crying out loud, if you want something in your church for single people then get off your backside and do something about it!”

The country where we live makes a big difference. In the main, in the UK we choose whether or not to marry and usually it’s because we are in love. Having experienced various African cultures and at the moment living and working in Zambia, I am used to being seen as an oddity. I have lost count of the amount of times I have been asked, “Why are you not married?” I have learnt to see that the fact that I have never fallen in love, or to my knowledge had someone fall in love with me, doesn’t always make sense outside of my own culture. I could not even begin to consider marrying someone I have never met, or whom my family has chosen for me. But many people do.

Our culture cultivates the feeling of being in love as of being worthy. A secular world view tells me if I have never been loved by a man, then there must be something wrong with me. Well, I know that there isn’t. I know that I am an intelligent, caring, loving, likeable, full of worth human being in female form, just for whatever reason, known at this time only to God, I haven’t yet met a man gorgeous enough (or patient enough) to sweep me off my feet and put up with me for better or for worse. My redeemed worldview says that my confidence and identity is found in Christ alone. I am worthy because He says I am.

The following paragraphs are about the things I’ve heard Christians say about singleness that make me want to put my head in a bucket and bang it really hard against a brick wall, probably because I have said them all myself at one time or another…..

“All husbands and wives are brought together by God and there is someone out there for everyone. “
Hmm, this is an interesting point and one that I considered not putting in because my own thoughts are not totally clear. But then I figured it wouldn’t hurt to somehow try to express an opinion.
I also want to make it clear that I do believe God brings people together and that he has a plan and purpose for our lives which he works out as and when he chooses to. However, I cannot move away from the thought that he also leaves us with a choice.
Logic screams at me at this point, as it is a very well known fact, especially amongst us 30 something single Christian women, that there is a distinct lack of eligible single Christian men out there. So if, for example, the ratio of single men to single women is even as low as 3 to 1, how on earth can there be one for each of us?? (I know that Jesus fed the 5000 with 2 fish and five loaves, but even so…)
I also have to put in a word for the guys here. I have great sympathy for single guys in church. This is because I know and have witnessed the workings of the female mind. Sorry sisters, but you know I’m telling the truth! When a guy comes into a church, you can bet that firstly, any single women will be checking to see if he is wearing a wedding ring and then secondly they will be thinking, “Hmm, I wonder if he is the one”. OK, maybe I shouldn’t presume the thoughts of every single Christian female, but I bet I’m not far wrong. This must be a pretty scary thing for a guy – no matter how confident he is.
There is a lot of pressure in the world to be part of a couple; it would be great if that pressure wasn’t in the church as well. I was at a Christian conference this year where “speed dating” was one evening’s entertainment. The adverts for it during the main meetings were supposed to be light hearted, fun comments. I found them difficult to swallow and more than a little bit patronising. I went to see how it was organised, just to give them the benefit of the doubt, but I was disappointed. I looked at those who were “dating”. Some were especially good looking, confident Christians who were just doing it for the lark, but there were others who had really made an effort, whose faces showed the hope of possibly meeting someone special who might just change their life. I don’t know if you know how speed dating works, but you get to spend 3 minutes or so chatting with each person of the opposite sex in the room. Then you mark on a card who you liked. Then the results are given out at the end of the evening. At this particular venue, the girls were asked to sit opposite someone they liked the look of to start with and would then move around the room. It saddened me to see some guys being left out and others having three or four girls waiting to sit opposite them. Is this the kind of thing the church should be involved in? Shouldn’t we be building up rather than pulling down? Ok, there may have been a couple of heaven made matches that night, but I am sure there were just as many disappointments and heartaches. I know there needs to be room made for people to meet each other, but do we have to follow the way the world does it?
Also, we have to be wise and careful of those who make statements such as “God has told me…” in regards to matters of the heart. My rule of thumb is that if God is going to tell anyone about the person I will be joined together as one with, it hopefully would be me! Someone wanting to marry us does not automatically make it God’s choice, no matter how gorgeous they may be!
It’s important to show integrity and care to those who may be romantically interested in us and to those whom we may be interested in, but we should never assume they are the chosen one. We are blessed with relationships for all sorts of reasons. We must take care with our opposite sex friends; it’s so easy to damage good friendships with flippant and unwise talk or actions.
And to be honest, I have seen far too many Christian marriages go wrong to not blow this idea out of the water.

“Am I being punished because God hasn’t given me a husband or wife?”
This really makes me sad – even more so when I remember the times when I have had this attitude myself. Why is it so easy for us to see marriage as the reward and singleness as a punishment? Our marital status should not be the measure we use for proof of God’s blessing in our lives.
“Don’t worry; you just need to be content being single and then God will give you a husband/wife”
I always get confused with this statement – surely if I become totally content as a single person, I won’t be bothered about meeting my future spouse? Of course, it’s good for us to learn to be content in all circumstances, and I wholeheartedly encourage all of us “singles” to find contentment just as we are, but I can’t believe that the God I know is holding back the love of my life until I feel totally happy with the way my life is. I think that attitude can be to blame for all sorts on unnecessary feelings of fear, worry and lack of self worth. I believe God brings people together and I believe that one day God will allow me a fantastic husband to share my life with – but it won’t be because of anything I have done or not done or said or not said. We don’t put those barriers on any other blessing from God so why should we on a spouse?
“Why won’t God remove my desire to be married?”
How many single people struggle with sexual desire?? I see that hand!!! These desires are part of our human make up. Living a pure life is a daily choice and a work of grace. And if we struggle with sexual issues or sin, being married won’t make them go away, in fact, it’s possible that marriage could mask them or bring about other temptations, such as adultery. It should also be unthinkable for us to consider marriage for the sake of sexual fulfilment.
The desire for a “life partner” is something God given and goes way back to the creation of Adam. We have to be careful not to risk losing this desire. None of us know what God has planned for us tomorrow, even if we are single today.
“Singleness is a specific calling or gift”
I really have to be careful with my words here as I don’t want to give the impression that singleness isn’t from God, I believe that it can be. But from my own experience and from observing the lives of others, singleness seems to me to be more of a choice made because of a call rather than the specific call itself. I don’t want to assume to speak on behalf of the Almighty, but I struggle to understand a purpose in being single just to be single, same as being married just to be married. But I can understand making choices about our relationships in regards to the call God has placed upon our lives. Let me give an example from my own life. I have never felt a calling to singleness. I would love to meet someone to share my life with. I do know, however, that God has given me a specific work to do which involves travelling and living overseas, and often doing things people would describe as risky. I would not be willing to give that up just to get married. At this time, I am single because there really is no other choice for me. It’s difficult, but it helps to keep a perspective of eternity. If in the course of working out the call God has placed on my life I meet someone with the same passion and call then fantastic, I’d get him down the aisle sooner than blink, but if not, then I will try to be content. People have often said to me that I wouldn’t be able to do what I was doing if I was married. I’m not sure I agree as I know people who are married with small children and live much more wild and risky lives on the mission field than me. I believe we can fulfil the purpose of God in our lives whether we are married or not. It’s all about our own choices in how we choose to live. Dare I say that I sometimes think that it’s easy to use our circumstances as an excuse not to fulfil the call of God on our lives?
The misuse of Psalm 37:4
The way I see it is that it is wrong for us to think that if a desire is on our heart, it automatically comes from the heart of God. Too many times I have heard this scripture, with all good intentions, misquoted and used to encourage single people. “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart”. How much disappointment has been born as a result of seemingly unfulfilled desires? Desires which God, if we take that scripture as some use it, has ignored or failed to deliver. I wonder what our desires would be if we truly delighted ourselves in him everyday. I wonder if our desires would be the same or if somehow, spending time in His word and listening to His voice would help us to know his heart’s desire for our lives that much better? Certainly, one desire of my heart is to get married and have children, but I also would love to be a size 10 and have green eyes! Scripture also tells us that the heart is deceitful above all things. We need to be very wise when dealing with our hearts. Our culture in the UK has an “if it feels good, do it” mentality. This is so far removed from Kingdom thinking. Self-fulfilment is not the goal of the gospel.
Having the desire for a husband or wife is not wrong, as mentioned in a previous paragraph, and we should certainly bring such desires before God in prayer. BUT we must do it in the knowledge that He knows us better than we know ourselves and that our prayers will be answered in the best way for our lives and to give Him glory. Our goal should be for our deepest desire to be only for Him. Every other blessing He gives is just a bonus!

One final thought….

One of the worst things about being single? Having a double bed all to yourself.
One of the best things about being single? Having a double bed all to yourself.