Grey Days

Grey days. Today is a grey day, not only because of the rain that dribbles from the low clouds like a leaking faucet. It's grey in spirit as well.

I sat today, thinking about my life. Love, sorrow, fear. It's all there, past present and future. My biggest sorrow yet greatest joy is my past and present. The future is my fear.

I was watching my daughter play today. She is beautiful. I watched her with a heavy heart though, as I remembered my own childhood. Some of us grow up too fast and learn too soon what evils lay waiting in the shadows.

As I watched, she pirouetted through the trees in the cool drizzle. Her damp hair stuck to her forehead. My perfect princess, pizza sauce staining her cheeks from lunch.

I remember playing in the rain, not caring about my sniffly nose, but only the joy of the moment. I had dreams then. Perfect peanutbutter and jelly fantasies. I was going to be the worlds first veterinarian astonaut. Hey, my barbies thought it was a great idea.

I watched my mini Julia Child one day as she sat baking mini cakes in her easy-bake oven. She informed me that she was going to be the star of a great cooking show some day. I smiled as she told me about some of her secret recipes, small pink tongue licking absently at her chocolate milk mustache. Her wonderful black eyes glittered as she told me about her pink mashed potato fields with brocholli forests.

I remember pink mashed potatos. My mother used to make them for me when I was small. She told me it was magic that made them pink. Years later I found out it wasn't magic, but ketchup. Heh, well, my daughter still believes in magic, so I won't change that. She's going to learn too soon that magic is nothing more then ketchup.

We talked a bit after she shared her special recipes with me. She asked me what I wanted to be when I was little. I told her about the astonaut thing and she laughed, dark eyes glowing. The topic turned after that to other important things. She wanted to know if I was the tooth fairy in mommy clothes, as she played absently with her wiggly tooth. Then we turned to unicorns, easter bunnies and wishes.

She asked why wishes on candles never came true and wanted to know if wishes on stars were stronger. I didn't know what to say. How profound she is. All I could do is stare at my pig-tailed beauty queen with her sparkling curious eyes.

I remember asking my mother the same questions. When I was young, the answers were so much more mystical. I believed that the clouds were indeed cotton candy for the angels. My daughter has (quite matter-of-factly I must say) informed me that they are simply water vapor.

Why do kids grow up so fast now? Is it the cell phones, pagers, PG-13 TV shows? Or is it something bigger? Do they know something about the future that we ignore? Or were we as grown when we were children, but stunted by our parents who wanted to capture us in time and childhood?

My eight year old angel is already looking forward to her first training bra, her first period. Being allowed to wear lip gloss to the store. Why? I cry inside when I think how soon those moments will be coming, yet I am overjoyed to see her growing up.

I am afraid. I don't want her to ever face the troubles of womanhood that I have had to endure. She is too happy to worry about her weight and sex and boys and pregnancy. I know these things are in her future, as they were mine, but I wish I could shelter her from them.

I watch my cousins and I feel scared. They all seem to have fallen into the same trap I did as a teen. Sex, drugs, booze, parties, pregnancy. Lonliness so intense I didn't think I'd ever make it to adulthood. A youth wracked with chaos. A youth stunted too soon by growing up too fast.

I tell my daughter to enjoy being a kid. Ply, dream, have fun. Don't rush to grow up, because rushing things only leads to sorrow.

She smiles and tilts her head. "Mommy," she says, her eyes sparkling. "You can still be an astronaut. You're not old yet." then she wanders off to blow bubbles for the kittens to play with. I watch after her as she has those silly kittens doing flips in her mini circus.

I wonder if she's right.... As they say. "Out of the mouths of babes comes the truth."

My grandfather used to tell me that if you stop dreaming, part of your soul dies...