Memo from a School for Skinflints

          From: Raymond Weakley, Principal, Penury Elementary School
         To: Teachers and Staff
         August 14, 2006

         Welcome back! The shortage of state funds this year has made cost-cutting measures imperative here at Penury. To that end, effective today, all classroom supplies not already provided by teachers and students must be so provided. This includes light bulbs, space heaters, trash cans, toilet paper, sawdust and Pepto-Bismol. Please adjust your supply lists.

         If you haven't heard already, the school has been disqualified from the National Free Lunch Program due to the conduct of our former financial mentors from Shameless Commerce Bank, who last year sold our entire stock of chicken patties on the Chicago Board of Trade. We have now engaged the local firm of Scrooge & Marley. S&M has applied for an exemption to the state child labor law to facilitate the implementation of our new lunch plan, which allows any child to work in the cafeteria kitchen for $2 an hour (maximum five hours a day) if he or she cannot pay the new $10 lunch price. I am told that the wage was increased from a shilling and sixpence, to avoid future adjustments for inflation. Please let parents know there will be no reduction in price for disability, or for two or more siblings in the plan.

         Other new policies for teachers this year include a $20/month surcharge for use of the school copier; a $60 charge for 100 minutes of incoming or outgoing intercom usage (“No Overages” plan available); and a $100 annual leasing fee for classroom TV/VCRs. Computer repair is no longer covered; please use your home address for email.

         Have a great year!

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         From: Raymond Weakley, Principal
         Dec. 21, 2006

         There is concern about damage to the Teachers’ Workroom. Apparently, some teachers have been banging their heads repeatedly against the walls, leaving traces of what appear to be blood, saliva and teeth. Also, the copier’s toner cartridge is missing. Effective in January, access to the workroom may only be gained by swiping a card at the doorway. The “Be Smart!” cards will require a minimum starting balance of $50 (including a non-refundable $10 set-up fee). Please be aware that the use of mind-altering pharmaceuticals in place of head-banging is prohibited by law. Possession of stolen toner may be a felony.

         Happy Holidays!

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         From: Raymond Weakley, Principal
         May 28, 2007

         It is my sad duty to inform you that our diligent efforts at strategic cost reduction have not had a sufficiently positive impact on our budget. Since all members of Scrooge & Marley are under a restraining order and must remain at least 300 feet away from the building, I am forced to take independent action.

         Therefore, effective immediately, all non-administrative teacher and staff positions will be eliminated except the following: Mrs. Lynn Weakley, Cafeteria Supervisor; Mr. Raymond Weakley, Jr., Copier Repair Facilitator; and Mrs. Raylynn Weakley-Reeder, “No Child Left Behind” Coordinator.

         Have a super summer!