Dreams and Reality

When you need time to go fast it slows to a crawl but when you are caught in a moment you want to last, time carries you forward at the speed of light. The world around you becomes a blur and when you look back at that moment, sitting alone in your room trying to savor the memories you realize you really do not remember what happened. The speed at which this marvelous moment occurred prevented the magic from being fully absorbed by all five of the senses.

I had everything once. I had the universe in its entirety spinning around under my skin, Fourth of July fireworks in the middle of winter, a never ending roller coaster with all the tricks to make a stomach change location.

I want to remember her, not just her but every thing about her. I want to taste her lips and feel the warmth of her skin against mine. I miss the way she felt in my arms. I fell in love that night, pure and true even though it lasted for only a moment. I am left with memories, simple words that describe and fuzzy images in my brain, nothing that captures her radiance.

The club was a mob that night. All around me there was happiness, energy, and beautiful people taking advantage of their youth. The dance floor was packed. I was a mere observer having found no joy in flailing my limbs in my less than graceful way. My companion had left me for her own new found affair so I was left to myself. I scanned the crowed with disinterest, a solidified mass of nameless, faceless, meaningless people dancing to techno.

Then I saw her and after, she was all I could see. She was all I ever wanted to see. My eyes explored her body with an extraordinary curiosity. They lingered on the curves and savored the sweet spots, addicted and coming back for more.

The crowd formed around her, her energy and her beauty. She was the center of it all. It was not the music nor the atmosphere nor the drugs that altered their brains but she that drew them into a world with no limits and no consequences: where the only thing you need to do was move or the energy you contained would build and cause a violent explosion inside you. There was no tiredness, just energy and excitement. She was their drugs, their alcohol, their passions and their fears. She was the adrenalin in their veins, ecstasy imprisoned in a human form.

All I could do was watch; watch her dance. Watch her jeans crease and sway around her feet. Watch her shirt rise off her belt revealing flawless pale skin. Watch her hair, long and dark flow with her movements. Watch her lips: dark, red and smiling. Watch her bright blue eyes sparkle with the energy of life. Watch as guys, brave men, tempt the laws of nature and get turned down.

I was hopeful and disappointed. Maybe she was not strait, or maybe she just was not interested in having men through themselves at her. It was always possible that she was seeing some one, the worst of all fates.

The fear was overpowering. I could not talk to her. She was so beautiful, so wonderful, so perfect and I am not any of those things. To make meaningful words travel from my brain to my lips and come out in such a way that would not embarrass me or embarrass her by having such an obvious inferior think they had the right to talk to her. The task was impossible.

My friend came back to check on me, to make sure I had not some how been raped or abused in her absence. In the limited time span that we conversed my obsession disappeared. I could not find her amongst the drove of people that filled in between the walls of the building. I continued to watch them in their Saturday night release but found no joy in it any more.

Time slowed, dragging out my misery as a way of punishing me for my cowardice. It gave me a time out, made me stand alone with only my thoughts for entertainment. Torturous thoughts of how things between her and I could have been if I had not been so afraid, so stupid.

As the night progressed the music turned into the sounds of dentistry tools and musical saws. The people seemed like clowns or children’s cartoons with fake smiles that make children cry instead of genuine happiness. The volume of bodies created a sense of claustrophobia. The energy they burned in their pleasures raised the temperature ten degrees. My mouth became dry and uncomfortable. I went to get a drink and collided with my lost angle.

I reacted in ways I did not think possible. Emotions exploded in my mind. She smiled, slightly startled and confused. “Sorry,” she said with sincerity and confidence, not the embarrassment that such situations usually create. Her confidence washed over me and through me, gave me the strength to do something no human could do. I kissed her and to my surprise she kissed back. I held her and she did not run from my touch. She fit perfectly in my arms, the puzzle piece that had been missing from me. She smelt better, felt better, tasted better than I could have ever dreamed and she was real. She was there in my arms. I was not dreaming. There was nothing but us. Deep inside I new that would end if I let her go. I would never let her go, if only to remain in this state of euphoria. I had melted, turned to gas and was floating away with her in my arms.

“Lily,” some one called. She broke the kiss and walked away. Her kiss had stopped time, trapping me in that moment, reliving the bliss. The lack of traction in the air, my lack of consciousness prevented me from doing anything more than standing where she had left me in bewilderment.

My friend returned again. She was ready to leave. Was I? I guess I nodded because we were out the door and in her car driving down the empty dark highway. She started talking and the world came back under my feet.

She met a girl and got her number but found her later in the night making out with some guy in one of the dark corners. “She seemed so wonderful too, o well. Ehn. Every thing happens for a reason.” She glanced over at me, “You haven’t stopped smiling since we left. Was it that bad?”

“No.”

“I’m worried, this isn’t like you.”

“I kissed her.”

“Who? That girl you were staring at?”

“You saw that?” She made a sound of acknowledgment.

“Ya.” I felt my face turn red and I realized I did not know her name, not really.

“Did you get her number?”

I began to fall. The descent was quick and steep, turning my stomach and making me feel sick. My head feel against the window, cold and damp from condensation.