As I sit here ...

As I sit here and the lively music dances from the radio in the room behind me I am in a state of semi detachment; knowing that I could have been a million and one different places - emotionally, mentally, and physically - than I am right now. so much effort was made and it has resulted in this skin of sorrow that covers my soul and prevents it from progressing past this state of regret and longing for what would have been; what should have been it would have been so beautiful I still want it to be beautiful

I have disappointed so many yet no one more than myself will the rest of my life be constant waves of trying to search for and then simultaneously fearing and trying to forget what I wanted; what was meant to be but yet wasn't, or just isn't yet, if time is infinite does it matter when it happens if it ever does

will there be redemption will there need to be if everything is predetermined why in my right mind would I have prechosen a path of pain and loneliness (maybe even scorn) will I ever walk down a different path someone please take my hand and lead me away from here.