The Distance Between Stars

They had lost their baby. As the months went by, Antonio grew excited to become a father. Marianna could only watch him fight back the tears when he heard of the news. If she hadn’t been bedridden with the threat of making herself start bleeding, she might’ve gone to him and comforted him. But in this case she had no feeling. If only you knew you were crying for nothing. She would never tell him that the baby they lost wasn’t his and he would forever wonder what his little boy would’ve been like. He noticed she wasn’t crying, not even a flinch of pain. He walked up to her and put her thick black waves behind her ear and cradled her chin in the palm of his hand turning her face towards him.

“You aren’t crying”

“I’m tired.”

Pushing his hand away from her face, she looked down to watch her fingers lie still in her lap.

“Probably just numb. You had a hard night.”

He turned and picked up a little blue stuffed elephant from the window sill.

“I guess we won’t be needing this,” he said with a trembling voice running one hand through his hair. He turned back to look at her but she didn’t flinch as if he wasn’t even in the room.



The ride home from the funeral was more than she could bear. Marianna couldn’t stand the silence, but she had nothing to say. She hated that it was a sunny day. It had been gloomy for weeks but her baby’s funeral was bright and warm allowing for everyone in the world to go out and enjoy the joyous day. It had not been long since they were there for Antonio’s brother’s funeral after dying in a car accident. They told her that he died at impact and that nothing could’ve saved him. She would never forget his big loving eyes and his gentle touch. She had remembered a conversation they had before he died when they were laying outside at night at her mother’s house. Marianna had asked him if he would ever leave her. “Marianna, not even death could take me from you. What’s that one star that’s always around? The North Star? That’d be me. You can’t get rid of me.” Thinking of this, she realized she hated happy people. She also hated the sun for shining.

From the corner of his eye, Antonio could see the glitter of her ring, shining like a star from the sun’s rays beaming through the car windshield reflecting on the stone.

“You’re beautiful, you know that?”

He glanced at her ring feeling lucky that she was his. She noticed he had looked at her ring. She turned to look out her window with a blank stare.

“Why did you marry me?”

“Why did you marry me?” she responded dully.

“Because you are my estrella.”

She hated when he said that, he sounded like a fool. Then he continued, “what about you babe?”

There was silence. Then with no feeling in her voice, “there was no where else to go.”

The words cut through to his heart. She was just mourning, she doesn’t know what she was saying, and he reached out to grab her hand feeling the cold nub of the ring in the palm of his affectionate hand.

* * *

Antonio came back from work and found Marianna sleeping in their luxurious king size bed. She looked like a little princess sleeping lost in a field of clouds. Gently stroking her head, he watched her open her eyes.

“Babe, wake up,” he hated to wake her up with the news he had but it had to come out it might as well not wait, “Come down to the kitchen when you are ready.” As soon as he left, she got up. I hate when he wakes me up, it’s the only time I can be happy. In her dreams the man she loved, Antonio’s brother, was with her. When she got down to the kitchen she sat down on the bar stool near the counter placing her head on the palm of her hand.

“What is it?”

“Well, hello my little star.”

Getting no response from her he continued, “We are going to visit your mom for a while.”

She hated the idea of going back to that house, “Why?”

“Babe, listen to me,” he paused to make sure he had her attention so that she could understand the seriousness of what he had to say, “your mother is dying, you need to be with her. I took off work to go with you so that you don’t have to go through this alone; I know it’s hard for you.”

She had put her hands down to her lap and watched them lie their idly. He went to her and grabbed hold of her hands, “I’ll be with you the whole time.”

She knew she should be appreciative of his gesture, but she wasn’t.

“Why, there is no need,” she got up removing her hands from his, and she walked away.



Marianna’s mother’s house had always smelled like beans and Cuban bread. Her mother, Piedad, was always cooking her homemade dishes making enough for a party but only needing to feed no more than two. Now the smell was faint and Marianna sat on the couch waiting for the doctor to come out of her mother’s room. It wasn’t a long wait and soon her husband and the doctor came out with the news of her mother.

“Piedad’s time is coming to an end, she won’t last very long.”

He was sincere as he looked into her eyes, “I’m sorry.” He then gathered his things and left.

* * *

They had been there nearly three weeks and as it got closer to her mom’s death, Marianna didn’t know how to act anymore.

“Hey estrellita, go in and talk to her. Spend some time with her, you’ve been avoiding her all week.” She was glad she was told to talk to her mom because she needed something to do.

“Hola, mama. como estas?” Her mom only spoke Spanish.

“Ah, mi hija,” she said with a faint smile, “Come closer mi amor, let me hold your hand.”

She grabbed a little wooden chair and sat by her mother’s bed and took her hand.

“Oh baby, it’s been so lonely here after you left . . .,” she sighed looking as if her breath was a difficult task, “but you are here now. I am so thankful.”

“Oh, mama, I’m so sorry I . . .” her mother cut her off.

“Shh, no te precupe amor, just smile. You don’t need to explain why you left. You grew up. Mira hija, now you are with a man who loves you so very much. Hang on to that. Your life has been through tragedy but God has given you your shining star. Hang on to him.”

“Yo se mama,” she looked down at their hands together, “It’s just. . .”

“I know about the baby hija. I know it wasn’t his. . . Ay hija if you tell him it will break his heart.” Then she felt a tighter squeeze of her hands, “Love him. Just love him; he deserves it for all that he’s done for all of us.”

Marianna knew all that Antonio had done for her family in their times of need, but she didn’t love him. She didn’t know if it was possible to ever love again. She didn’t know what to say to what her mother just said, but it was those very words that would resonate in her mind when she least expected it, hang on to him. . . just love him. That conversation that day was the last one she ever had with her mother and after her mother died that night, Marianna never felt more alone.



The day of the funeral was a sunny, bright, sweet one just as Piedad would’ve wanted. The weather only reminded Antonio of his strong feelings towards Piedad. He thought of Marianna’s mother as the most amazing woman devoting her entire life to raising her daughter on her own. Having known her family for years, he was very fond of her mother. He was absolutely torn at her death and he figured Marianna was too but what he couldn’t understand was how she chose to stay behind and not attend her mother’s funeral. When it was all over, he found her in her mother’s room where he had left her. She only continued with her blank stare as she always did during the hard times. Why was she so cold? I know she must be hurting. He noticed that she remained like that through their stay there, through her mother’s last days and on the way back home. Those hours of silence drove him crazy. Antonio didn’t dare say anything fearing that Marianna might say a hurtful thing to him without thinking, and it was at that moment, watching her stare out her window with her hands loose on her lap, that he felt more detached from his wife then ever before.



When they got home in the late afternoon, Marianna immediately went upstairs to go to their room. Antonio normally would just let her go, but this time he had too many questions for his wife. He entered the room and found her sitting on the bed. He went towards her and sat beside her and asked, “Are you okay my beautiful star?”

“I’m tired,” she answered in almost a whisper

“What are you thinking Marianna? You’ve been so silent, talk to me,” he sounded as if he were pleading with her. Only silence followed his remark and he began to become frustrated. I’m her husband, why won’t she talk to me? It’s like I don’t even know her.

“Marianna, please,” he reached out to grab hold of her hand, “Why are you like this? So cold and distant? I know you have a heart so quit acting like this, Marianna listen to me.”

She wasn’t going to talk. He thought about leaving her alone but he had to get through to her. He wanted to mourn with her and connect with her but she always blew him off.

“Why didn’t you go to your mother’s funeral?”

She finally looked sternly at him, “Just leave me alone.”

Being that leaving her alone was the last thing he wanted to do, he persisted, “You didn’t even cry, you never cry, not even when our baby died.” He got up and walked towards the window noticing that it had started to pour outside.

“God, you were never like this before. You were loving and easy to talk to and now it’s like you have no feeling at all. You didn’t even spend much time with your mother even knowing that she was. . .”

“Stop it! Just stop!”

All of a sudden the tears were streaming down her face and she got up sobbing. Once the tears came, she lost control. This scared Marianna and she headed towards the bathroom to lock herself in it. Seeing where she was headed, Antonio quickly grabbed her and made her face him, but she pushed and struggled to get out of his grasp.

“Marianna, it’s ok, it’s ok.”

“Leave me alone! Let go of me!” She struggled even more making squealing sounds between sobs, “Antonio, Stop!”

“No, I’m your husband, I love you, let me love you Marianna!” She finally broke loose and she turned her face to into a face of anger. No. Hang on to him, Just love him. I can’t.

“No!” she cried, “I don’t love you, Antonio! I never did! Quit acting like you’re the one I love!” She turned away with more tears streaming down her face as she rushed to the closet.

Antonio watched her come out with a travel bag and some clothes in her arms. He was stunned by her words. Something changed in him. He knew Marianna had loved his brother when they got married, but he believed he could win her love. He knew now that he never had her and he never would. Then a thought hit him and he felt his heart would fall to the floor. She was packing all her things as if she were leaving on vacation.

“Our baby,” he could barely speak with all the pain taking over his heart, “Our baby wasn’t mine. . . Marianna, tell me. Am I right?”

“Antonio, please don’t make me tell you that,” she said flatly looking at him with eyes that seemed to have no life at all. Then she picked up her bag and left him standing there in silence with only the patter of the rain on the window to console him. He let her go knowing that she had to come back. He was sure she’d be back just as the rain was sure to stop.



It had been a little over an hour before the rain finally stopped. It was still cloudy and the sun could only wish to be seen. After staring out his window the entire time since Marianna left, sorting out all his thoughts, Antonio decided to go down to the kitchen and make himself a coffee to help him clear his head. He was so used to planning all that was ahead of him, but this time he had no idea what to do next. He decided to wait. Antonio couldn’t think. He could only wait. After finishing his coffee, Antonio looked out the kitchen window and noticed that Marianna’s car was still in the drive-way, but he didn’t see her anywhere. Where are you beautiful star? He ran outside to find her. He arrived at her car and through the window he could see her bag thrown in the passenger seat. Then he heard sniffles from the other side of the car. There she was sitting on the concrete driveway leaning against her car. Marianna was soaked. Her eyes were red as well as her nose which was further emphasized by her pale face. She appeared to be frozen in her position like an image stuck forever in a painting. Antonio’s first instinct would’ve been to grab her, bring her inside and take care of her, but he couldn’t. It didn’t feel right. Instead he sat down beside her on the cold, wet concrete. Silence. They sat in each other’s presence close enough to touch but still so far away. The silence didn’t bother Marianna this time. The silence didn’t bother Antonio either. Soon the silence stopped when her frail and gentle voice broke Antonio’s thoughts.

“The sun’s not shining.” Her tone made it seem as if it was the sun that she was crying about, but Antonio knew that wasn’t it.

“You didn’t leave.” He looked at her and found that her eyes matched his.

“I don’t love you.”

“I know.”