Grandma Steps

This was a day I was not prepared for. I know I should have been, we had talked about it. Had everything ready to go. And then her water broke, and reality hit me that my baby was no longer my baby. We got into the car, called her husband, and picked him up from physical training in the Army, and off we went to the hospital.
The labor and delivery went as nature had in mind, but the moment that baby was born, I was lost. I no longer knew where I belonged in this world. I knew they were a family, and I didn't belong. I knew that a generation of knowledge was with me, as it was with my Mother, when she was born.
I had worked labor and delivery for years and seen many families close and loving, helping each other, offering to help and give pointers. But this father was very territorial and wanted only his family close, so I tried to just watch both my baby girl, and her beautiful baby boy. My daughter became more withdrawn, my grandson cried non-stop, the other grandparents hovered and held and told my daughter what she needed to do, not suggesting, but telling her what she was doing wrong. I just watched, made eye contact when I could. Brushed my hand along her face as she walked by me in the hall. I think that was loving her too, just sending my love and letting her know I was there.
The baby continued to cry, and they had difficulty breastfeeding. My daughter didn't eat. The other grandparents hovered, and gave advice. I just offered to clean, and hold the baby if she needed, and asked if she needed to sleep. She was obviously exhausted emotionally and physically.
What I was having trouble figuring out, was where did I belong? I've always been a mom. This baby cried, it felt automatic to get up to care for him. So I'm saying to myself , 'No this one is not yours, mind your own business, and let them learn.' That is one of the hardest things. They had so much to learn, but unless they asked, I have to keep my mouth shut!
It is a good thing that we are grandparents when we are older. If I were 20 years younger I would not have been able to have kept my big mouth shut for the life of me, during alot of the time my son-in-law's parents were at the house. I wanted so much to defend "my baby", as an animal in the wild does, as they obviously would hurt her feelings, often times being so rude. Where do people get this idea that they need to talk down to others, as if they are less than themselves? But I had to stay out of it, she was an adult, so here again, I don't know where I belong, grrr, . I walk to the bedroom I'm sharing with the baby, and cry. The tears of loss, frustration, fear, sadness, lack of belonging.
Another day dawns, with wails from their baby. Their baby. Where has society brought us that each generation is whole unto itself, and needs nothing from its ancestors? I feel useless and unwanted. I have many memories of this time with my own Mother, and I don't know what I would have done without her? I felt like I knew absolutely nothing, and she was like a god and knew everything.
To my Daughter I had been Mother, friend, truant officer, she grew to be a peer, when she married a man in the military we had things in common, I grew up in the military, this man began to dominate and slowly suck the joy out of her, but gave her in return the one thing in life she always wanted; Babies.
I have learned to love my family when ever I can, as often as I can. I am a proud Grandmother. I've seen both my grandsons born, but they live out of state, so I don't get to see them except in pictures. I'm still not sure where I belong, but I know it's here somewhere, and I'm still trying to keep my big mouth shut.
There are now three beautiful grandsons, and I missed seeing the last one only because he was an emergency cesarean section. Mom and Baby did well, so did I. It is easier now, my daughter is getting stronger:doesn't take any nonsense from meddling people. Not that it doesn't hurt when they tell her what she's doing wrong but, hey it goes with the steps of life. I am so very proud of her, and I will continue to try with the only speaking when it is something nice. Maybe I am starting to grow up too, but I have a 14 year old son yet...