This was a n assignment for my Creative Writing class. What do you thinnk? |
(1) Round like Santa and dark like Black Beard he towered above me. The fish weren't biting in the trees or the water. We packed the minnows with bologna and cheese sandwiches and walked past a waddle of ducks and long grass, swishing at water's edge. The pole in my right hand forgotten and a memory of my left hand lost in his. ************************************************************ (2) His laugh revealed his plumpness, his smile, beneath his black beard. And I, in his shade, disappeared, a fragment of his awesomeness. I looked up and revered. And proving their elusiveness, as my line whizzed and veered back, up and up...captured, kidnapped by oaken leafiness, the fish, from their grainy seats, sneered. Packing the bait, in its freshness, beside bologna and cheese, smeared stale with mustard, dried bread, we left the fish to their laziness to walk the open path ahead. Ducklings waddled past; life's newness. Gentle waves lapped and spread, long grass rose and fell and swished. The fishing pole meant nothing, (LESS!) as my hand, in his, memorized. The first poem was an in class assignment (10 minutes was allowed!). We had to write a free verse poem, 20-25 lines, 4 stanzas, about our Dad. The second half of our assignment was to take the poem home and rewrite it in formal verse, 4 stanzas, abbab rhyme scheme (true or slant) and 6-8 syllables per line, thus the second poem here. Which do you think is the better poem? |