How I Came Out

         One day at school around the beginning of May is when I came out. 2005. It was at lunch. At the table were my friends Carolyn and Andrew and still to come were Tiffany and Ray, making up our usual party of five. Andrew was talking about girls somewhat explicitly, while Carolyn half-ignored him as she ate. Andrew asked me to join in his rant; I told him
         "No thanks, I'm good."
         "What, are you gay?" he asked in response—jokingly, of course.
         I don't know how, but without skipping a beat I said, "Yes." I noticed that Carolyn looked up and flashed me a small smile after I spoke. She returned to her meal, though she was probably a little more interested in the conversation thereafter.
         "I thought so," Andrew said, not really thinking about what I had just told him.
         Tiffany then arrived from the lunch line. As she sat down Andrew told her
"Hey, Josh is gay!"
         Oh great... I thought.
         Tiffany said, "Yeah, you didn't know?"
         What the hell? When did I tell you?
         Andrew said (again without thinking), "He just told me! I asked him and he told me." Then he finally thought for a few seconds. "...Wait, are you serious?" Tiffany started laughing.
         "Yeah," I said, still in awe that I was able to respond to the first question so quickly and easily. It had just kind of popped out. And how did Tiffany know?
         "But I liked you!" said Andrew. "You're too cool to be gay!"
         At first I took this as a compliment, but after thinking about it some more...
         "Thanks," I said dryly.
         He continued to joke, but that's just who he is so I paid them no heed. "So you're comin' outta the closet...well GET BACK IN THERE!" At this one I laughed.
         At some point during these jokes Ray showed up late from class. He just sat down without anyone—except his girlfriend Carolyn—really noticing. I guess he figured out from the conversation what had happened. He just listened. He made a few comments, but I don't really remember what they were. He's one of those guys that are really open about everything and doesn't have a sense of personal boundaries (which isn't a bad thing, really). But then he was also a druggie. He and Carolyn were an odd match—a pothead and a preacher’s daughter. I always wondered how they made it work. The following year they broke up (big surprise), and everyone found out that Ray was bi when he started coming on to me. There was no way in hell, of course, but he persisted. I wasn’t at all flattered—he’d become a guy that would screw anything that moves (and some things that don’t).
         Anyway, back to the story.
         When he was done joking Andrew said, "You know I'm jus' kidding; I don't care. Just don't bring a boyfriend over here and be huggin' or kissin' or holdin' hands—"
         "—Don't worry—" I interrupted.
         "—I jus' might throw up. On you."
         "I'll try not to."
         "Well try HARD." Then he got up and left. He always leaves the lunchroom early; I have no idea where he goes. I heard him repeating some of his jokes to himself as he walked away. He tends to laugh at his own quite often.
         Ray said goodbye and left as well. Tiffany and Carolyn remained at the table.
         "So...?" asked Carolyn, who had remained silent (as I recall) until now.
         "So..." I repeated. "...what?"
         "When did you know you were gay?" she asked.
         "Uh..." I thought for a few seconds. "I guess... about the middle of freshman year." I remembered that I had wondered for a while before then myself.
         I was 12 or 13 when I first considered the possibility. At the time I was made to go to church every Sunday, and with all the stuff that's said in the bible about this sort of thing I didn’t want to accept the idea that I could be a homosexual. I wasn’t a Christian, but when the bible is the only thing that’s presented you to believe in, you don’t really have much of a choice, especially at that age. It scared me. After two years of struggling with myself I knew for sure that I was gay, and I was starting to gain the wisdom to form definite new beliefs. I knew I wasn’t a Christian and that I didn’t believe in the bible, but it took me awhile to realize that I didn’t have to. Why try to follow something you don’t believe in? But there’s one thing I’ve never doubted: the existence of God—because I believe with all my being that there is, in fact, a just and loving God, and that he chose to make me this way. For what purpose, who knows? But I don’t speculate anymore—it’s just one of those things…
         Anyway, onward!
         Before anyone else could say anything, I asked, "How long have you all known?"
         Tiffany went first. "I guess I always had the feelin'...since freshman year. I was gonna ask you eventually."
         Then I turned to Carolyn. "My mom," she said, "would tell me that she could easily tell whether a guy's gay or not. I would always think, 'Well that's just wrong. That's just playing on stereotypes.' But then I wondered if such a gift was hereditary. I figured you were gay not soon after I first met you—freshman year."
         "Freshman year..." I repeated.
         "Yeah," she said. Then she added: "It's all coming together..."
         Tiffany and I laughed.
         Why is it that women have such a keener sense of "Gaydar" then guys do? I thought that I was hiding it at least fairly well. I guess most straight guys still don't have a clue. Andrew was in denial for a few days afterwards. Every time he saw me he would ask, "Are you serious? Are you sure?"
         For the last few weeks of school, after I came out to my best friends at lunch, I told several other classmates. None of them cared. Only one of the girls I told was completely shocked.
 

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         The above event was not the first. The very first person I told was my best friend since kindergarten, Dusty. One night (I think in late 2004) he called me on the phone. We talked for awhile. Then he asked me the question he always does:
         "So, you got a girlfriend yet?"
         "No, I don't"
         "Oh..."
         "But there's a reason..."
         "What, are you comin' outta the closet or somethin'?"
         "...sorta..."
         "...huh?"
         Again, I don't know what exactly compelled me to say something. But I guess I knew that he wouldn't care in the least. His mom's gay. He trusted me enough to confirm that years before, so I guess I figured What the hell? I mean, we're each other's sounding boards. Of course he won't care! But now he insists on talking about it every time we meet; he always asks me, "So, you got a boyfriend yet?"