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Rated: 13+ · Essay · Opinion · #1152872
Clint Eastwood and Dirty Hippies. Both have beards, only one of them should.
Beards are a symbol of manliness that should be reserved for those who have a pair bigger than pecans. I’m not talking about those wispy little patches in between the pimples you find on prepubescent teenagers at the Baskin Robbins. No, I’m talking about full-on, in your face, grizzly hair beards. If it don’t come in thick and strong, if it can’t make a pretty girl cry when you kiss her, and especially if your name is Pierre get one of those pink daisy razors and shave like the woman that you are.

Even if you are physically capable of growing a beard that doesn’t mean that you should be allowed to. A beard is a privilege that should be earned or awarded. To narrow down the candidates for bearddom and maintain the accompanying honor, the following people should not, under any circumstances, be allowed to even think of growing more than a 5 o’clock shadow.

1. Kindergarten teachers

2. Male Nurses

3. Children under 7

4. Waiters

5. The French

6. Accountants

7. Leprechauns

8. Anyone who wears a beret (see number 5)

Just as there are people who shouldn’t be allowed to have a beard, there are those who ought to be required to have one. This is owing to their sheer masculinity or social obligations to appear manly. The list of these hirsute heroes follows.

1. Kung Fu Grandmasters

2. U.S. Marines

3. Powerlifters

4. Anyone who can use a broadsword

5. Alaskan crab fishermen

6. Homeless people in Chicago

7. Ronald Reagan

There is one final group I’d like to discuss. These are the people who give beards a bad image. They are the ones who wear the manly mangle without authorization. If you have the misfortune to run across one of the following people it is considered good manners to execute them immediately. Failure to do so will result in revocation of your own beard rights.

1. Hippies

2. Poets

3. Beatniks

4. Artists

5. Village People

6. Greenpeace members

7. Hippies


If you didn’t find yourself on the 2nd list, don’t despair, there might still be hope for you. If you found yourself on list#1 or especially #3 stop reading immediately and wash down some sleeping pills with a bottle of Dark Eyes vodka. The rest of you go ahead and take the following survey. Remember to be honest and accurate as the results are considered binding for at least one year. Think carefully and good luck.

1. Do you hunt or fish? A. Yes B. No

2. Do you get into fistfights? A. Yes B. No

3. If you answered yes to #2, how often do you win? A. Always B. Sometimes C. Never D. N/A
4. Have you ever looked at another man in the urinal? A. Yes B. No

5. Do you enjoy beer? A. Yes B. No

6. Do you think reading poetry is acceptable when trying to pick up a chick? A. Yes B. No

7. How many episodes of Will and Grace have you seen? A. All of them B. Some C. What’s Will and Grace?

8. Number of cool knives you own. A. Lots B. Few C. None

9. Who’s the best? A. Mother Theresa B. Johnny Cash C. Clint Eastwood

10. Number of karate movies you’ve seen in the last year. A. More than 20 B. 10-20 C. Fewer than 10

Okay here’s a list of the scores for each answer. Some are worth more points than others and some are worth negative points so pay attention.

1. A +2 B -2
2. A +2 B -2
3. A +3 B +1 C -2 D 0
4. A -20 B +2
5. A +2 B -2
6. A -5 B +2
7. A -10 B -5 C +2
8. A +5 B +2 C -2
9. A -2 B +5 C +2
10. A +5 B +2 C -2

Now that you’ve got your scores, compare them to the table and see if you’re ready to start growing the ultimate badge of honor or if you should try to hide under mommy’s apron.


Your score:

30 points. Who are you kidding? You already have a kick-ass beard and chicks love you.

25-29 points. It’s already growing. You probably just took this test to make fun of someone else. Rock on!!

20-24 points. You’re authorized to start growing one, but work on manning it up a little, okay?

15-19 points. Not yet buddy! You have to get your priorities straight before it’s beard time. Almost though.

10-14 points. Don’t even think about it sissy!! You probably won’t ever be man enough.

Below 10 points. FAG!!!
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