Need

“I think we should break up.”
You hit me with those words that afternoon, though I can’t say that I didn’t see them coming. Our relationship had been cooling down a lot in the last few weeks, and the feeling of an impending break-up in the air was palpable. But I didn’t want to let it go. I cared about you too much to call it quits myself. Plus, it’s not very often that I even have a girlfriend. My luck with the opposite sex over the years has been less than desirable. But you were the first girl who was both compatible with me and not totally crazy. I’ve known girls who were one or the other before, but never both. I couldn’t bear to let you go. But alas, despite my efforts, it just wasn’t meant to be. We were destined to forever be naught but friends. Don’t get me wrong, though, you’ve always been an amazing friend, and I wouldn’t give that up, either. I just don’t want that to be it. But it would seem that what I want doesn’t matter. The universe will keep plowing ahead with its great, cosmic plans with no consideration toward the wants and needs of a petty teenaged human. So that was it. We broke up, went our own ways, bought two one-way train tickets to Splitsville (no refunds). At this point, I could’ve cut my losses and totally avoided seeing you for the rest of my life, but that would involve not seeing you for the rest of my life, which, as you should very well know by now, is something I just can’t do. So we remained friends. The days went by, then weeks, then months, and you dusted the ashes of our former relationship off of yourself and began the healing process. I, however, was left behind in that pile of ashes, hoping beyond hope that all was not yet lost, that our dead relationship could be reborn from the ashes like a brilliant phoenix. But that mighty phoenix would never soar again. All because of him. You met him at prom. I was there, too. A mutual friend set us up on dates with other friends of hers in the hopes that it would finalize our break-up and allow us to truly move on. Her plan worked only halfway. My date was barely mediocre; yours, on the other hand, went fantastically. I feigned happiness for you, but inside, all I felt was pain and sorrow. The two of you bonded more in that one night than we had in our months of dating. And witnessing that was supposed to help me move on? It only set me back. Seeing you two together made me realize that there was zero (zip, zilch) chance of us getting back together. But lack of hope doesn’t mean lack of want. Not by a longshot. Hope was what kept me going, what got me out of bed in the morning. Now that I had been so violently raped of my hope, I had nothing left. I sank into a deep depression. There didn’t seem to be any reason to do anything, now that you were about as attainable to me as a twilight star. The worst part was that you didn’t even seem to notice. You were so happy with him that you didn’t – couldn’t – sense my deep longing. Every word you spoke of him was another jagged icicle plunged into my rapidly chilling soul. My friends and family tried to cheer me up and find me a new girlfriend, but it was in vain; I was too far into this chasm to see the light. You were the only one with the rope to pull me out of this, but you didn’t even know I’d fallen in. Oh well, it’s too late now, anyways. Even if you were to toss that rope down to rescue me, I doubt it would reach. I’ve descended into the darkness that even shadows are afraid of. You’re the only girl I’ve ever loved so much that I’d truly give my life for her, and now it seems that’s what I have to do. Death is the only chance that I have left for salvation from the agony of this loss. So tonight, here in this poorly lit room, my story ends. Never again will I have to endure another heart-wrenching day of seeing you two holding hands in the hallway, kissing and acting all happy. Never again will I have to wake up and wonder why I should bother getting out of bed at all. Never again will I wake up. And even though it was you who ultimately led me to my premature grave, I hope he makes you as happy as you once made me.