Kappa Alpha Moss

Q: Chris,
I read your article in the Danbury "News-Times" and enjoyed it very much.
This year I have a significant amount of moss where grass should be. Does moss like acid or base condition?

A: I have an old fraternity brother for whom I always thought the nickname “Moss” would have been appropriate. Unfortunately, a fraternity nickname should be self explanatory to anybody suffering from consistently self-induced mental paralysis. This one takes a bit of explaining, which I am going to do for you. Somehow, I doubt Bluto and Fonzy are reading this now but if you are, “GO BLUE!”

Moss thrives when three conditions are prevalent. These are 1) low pH (acidic soil), 2) consistent moisture, and 3) shade. My fraternity buddy, whom I shall cryptically refer to as Russell B. Garrison of Haddonfield, New Jersey also existed best under three conditions. These were 1) A Nintendo Game system, 2) Cold Beer, and 3) a cushy, soft seat. I won’t gross you out with the “consistent moisture” similarity.

Now, if there was a room that did not have these three things, Russ wouldn’t go there. Similarly, if the conditions for moss are not optimal, you simply won’t have it. “BUT!”, you say. “I have a moss problem, but I treated the area with limestone to raise the pH, and I trimmed the trees back, and what else am I supposed to do to get rid of this stuff?!”

This is where Einstein’s Theory of Things That Don’t Move comes in really handy. An object at rest will stay at rest unless acted upon by some external force. Okay, so you botanists may well point out that this theory, besides being completely mislabeled, doesn’t even come close to applying to the survival of moss under certain circumstances. Perhaps not, but it does apply to Russ. See, even if you removed both the Nintendo system, and the cold beer, Russ simply wouldn’t move out unless he was physically removed. This was done by sending a freshman downstairs to yell out “Hey guys!, Pizza’s here!”

Similarly, once moss takes hold in an area, it doesn’t like to leave. Therefore, you’ll have to remove it. That’s right, put in a little elbow grease, grab a rake and start scraping. Once you’ve removed all the moss, you can proceed to step two.

If enough limestone is applied to the newly raked soil, it will have the same effect as when we would put the movie “Beaches” on the VCR while Russ was downstairs looking for the non-existent pizza. Upon returning to the room, he would be prevented from entering the room by CFFF forces (Chick Flick Force Field). Well, limestone raises the pH of soil. If the pH is raised high enough, it will similarly prevent the moss from returning. In order to do this, I recommend 100 pounds of limestone for every 1,000 ft2. You’re going to feel like you’re burying the soil in limestone. That’s good.

You now have a bare soil patch that’s covered in limestone pellets. Take a steel rake or other tilling tool and mix it into the top inch of the soil. Since limestone doesn’t move much, this step is necessary to get the root zone sufficiently amended. Once the soil and limestone have been mixed up, you are ready to seed the area with a good quality “Shade Tolerant” grass seed. Make sure to mix the seed into the top ½ inch of soil as well. Then water the new seed daily until it has grown in.

Got any questions? E-mail me at [e-mail] or chris@teedandbrown,com. Maybe your question will be answered next time!

Christopher J Brown is owner and co-founder of Teed & Brown, Inc. Lawn Care for Distinctive Homes. You can visit him at www.TeedandBrown.com or contact him at [phone].