Skin Deep

I watched a documentary about a guy—we’ll call him Mike--who was significantly overweight, and the film recorded his miserable and frustrating struggle to get down to an “acceptable” weight. I couldn’t help but feel sympathetic and identify with his pain as he worked so very hard only to achieve excruciatingly slow progress. During this heartbreaking battle he began to ask himself questions about what exactly he wanted from his efforts and why. Of course, one of his goals to to be healthier, and he began an exercise program that wasn’t too strenuous, demanding or time-consuming. Although the weight loss attributed to exercise alone wasn’t highly significant, he did begin to feel better and have more energy, as well as a sense of overall well-being. These are things that most of us know result naturally from a sensible and smart increase in physical activity.

He also had a bit of an advantage in that he had what could be called a personal trainer, who helped and encouraged him with his walking program and also helped him get started with a weight program. Nothing extreme, just some moderate strength building activities. This assistant also helped him learn and focus on smart dietary choices and meal planning.

Progress was extremely slow. He started out at about 400 pounds and at the end of three months he had lost thirty pounds, which he found disappointing. Those of us who have been on diet and exercise programs can certainly sympathize with him. It was around this time that he began to reflect on his lifelong battle with his weight, and the history of moderate successes and then relapses. It seemed as though his entire life he had been preoccupied with his weight in one way or another. It occurred that everything he knew about body modification required a lifelong commitment of deprivation and effort.

Throughout his life, even when not actively participating in some sort of diet program at a given moment, he thought about his weight constantly. Anyone who is dissatisfied with his or her weight, particularly when it is at a level when strategic clothing won’t do much to camouflage the problem to a degree, is only too familiar with the murmuring in the back of the head constantly reminding you that you are different, that you stand apart from the crowd, and that you are unsatisfactory in an obvious way.

When you dress in the morning, you are generally aware that you have no clothes that you really love, you only have a selection of clothing that you select based on how well it hides your overweight condition. You may be a jeans jacket belly-button ring type of girl, but you are faced with a closet full of flowery rayon big shirts that skim your hips in an attempt to achieve a flattering slimming effect.

Not to belabor the point, but to the people around us, our size defines who we are to a large degree, and we who are overweight often feel terribly misjudged and misrepresented. After all, it is said that “clothes make the man.” For whatever reason we are overweight, whether we eat too much, exercise too little, have gland problems, take medications that play havoc with fluid retention and metabolism, whatever, we realize that people generally don’t even try to see who we are behind the barrier of fat.

As this dawned on Mike, he realized that he had spent years of his life fighting against his own body’s natural tendencies. I won’t go into all the scientific theories about overweight, but overeating is only one of the many causes for a person’s tendency to be overweight. And even when we manage to overcome all the factors that are working against us and struggle down to a size we find acceptable, forces continue to work against us to bring our weight back up to where our individual bodies and brains feel it should be. Suffice to say, for most people weight control is a grueling lifelong battle that most people lose.

As Mike thought about the years he had spent doing all the “right” things for virtually no reward, it dawned on him that thousands and thousands of people were going through the same heartbreaking and lifelong struggle and feeling inferior because of it. It occurred to him that if his body was fighting so very hard to keep him at a certain weight, then maybe he should work with it instead of against it.

So, he decided to work on acceptance of his looks, without totally “letting himself go.” He attended a convention of people who had decided the same thing: that rather that berate themselves for the rest of their lives they would work on accepting themselves as they were, while at the same time trying to be as healthy and attractive as possible.

Mike was surprised at the change in the way he felt about himself, as well as the change in the way other people seemed to perceive him. He had more self-confidence and initiative than he had felt for years, and that came through in his voice, his actions, and his body language. He came to the realization that he could be happy, after all, without conforming to society’s standards of beauty.

After I watched the movie I thought about myself, and about how I reacted to people based on the way they looked. If I were to meet, say, twenty men for the first time and asked which five I would be interested in getting to know, I would have two totally different selections: One group based on first impressions as I walked in the room, and the second group based on my opinion after having had twenty minutes of conversation with each one. I can almost guarantee that my second selection would include a totally different selection of men regardless of weight, amount of hair, or height.

Having been in the work force for over twenty-seven years and working with all sorts of people, I have come to realize how little looks actually matter. When pursuing platonic friendships they matter not at all, and surprisingly little when it comes to more intimate connections. Of course, hygiene and neatness matter to some extent; some degree of style—but not necessarily the prevailing style, and good teeth are important (to me), but after that anything could happen. It just depends on the chemistry, that oh, so essential chemistry.

So for those of you who may feel that there is no place for you in this society that worships beautiful people, perhaps you should reevaluate the way you look at people, and in turn you may find that YOU are seen in a whole new light.