Family Guy Fanfic - No Gay Man. Part 2

DR PHIL
Hello, my name is Dr Phil.
I'll be right back after these messages.

Peter looks left and right.

DR PHIL
And now on Dr Phil. Peter, the dad
betrayed by the sexual bearings of his
renegade son, Chris griffen.

PETER
Nice to meet you, my name's...

DR PHIL
Peter.

PETER
No. Wait. Yes.

DR PHIL
And this must be Chris.

CHRIS
Yes. Wait. No.

DR PHIL
Let's convine this at the local gay bar.

PETER
I don't know, me and the gays have a couple of runs in before.

CUT TO.
Int.A gay man's flat-Some years ago.

Peter is sat on the bed. the gay man is sat beisde him with a mischivous smile.

GAY MAN
Come on.

PETER
Ok but be gentle.

GAY MAN
Gentle's my middle name.

The man stands up and sits on peters lap. he's about to go to work
when he looks up at peter.

Wait a beat.

MAN
You're a woman!

PETER
HAH! Now you know what's it's like!

MAN
You're not a woman?

PETER
No, I just cut my johnson off to teach you a leason.

Holds up a glass jar that is blurred out so we cannot see it's contents.

Peter looks at the man, looks at the jar, looks at the man.

PETER
This may have not been my finest idea.

CUT TO

Int.Moscow Gay Bar - Present day.

Peter, Chris and Dr Phil are sat at the bar.

DR PHIL
Now chris, I want you to try an excercise.
Let's call it..Desert Barn

CHRIS
Games are fun!

DR PHIL
Look around. Who in do you want to be intimate with?

CHRIS
You.

Dr phil's eyes bulge.

DR PHIL
No no, you see, no no no no.
no no.

Gets up and walks up

DR PHIL (As walking away)
No no no no no no no no no no.

Goes out the door.

Wait a beat.

His head pops around the corner.

DR PHIL
No.

Back out.

Int.Grffen house - Next day.

Peter and loius are sat down.

Peter gets up.

PETER
I'm going to see that new movie, Bottleneck.

LOIS
I heard it was really bad.

PETER
It's a movie.

LOIS
Rotten Tamator gave it 25%

PETER
It's a movie.

LOIS
The actors got booed out of the threatre.

PETER
It's a movie.

LOIS
Collin farrel is in it.

promply Sits down.

PETER
I'll see what's on fox.

Wait a beat.

Brian walks in, holding a newspaper

BRIAN
PETER! Did you read today's paper?

PETER
No why? The nicks lose again? Man they suck.

BRIAN
You recall our conversation yesterday, about the money you owed?

PETER
Get to the point fido.

BRIAN
Look!

Shows front page it

HEADLINES
Man caught on tape admiting fruad.
Nasa says "We'll sue him to the moon and back."

PETER
Holy crap, this is just like that time
I got arrested in texes.

Ext.Texas Court - 1965.

Peter is sitting on the witness stand, wearing a klu klux klan uniform with two
eye holes. Two lawyers flank the stand, once prosecution, one defence.

PROSECUTOR
You lynched him.

PETER
No no, I was just trying to err...
uhhh... can I phone a friend?

JUDGE
I'm going to allow this.

FOREMAN
One call, one minute.

Peter takes the phone and dials a number.

PETER
Hello? Yeah it's me. Listen, I kinda have a favour to ask.
I'm in court, could you come and spring me?

Switch to.
Int.Space ship - Conitueing

The predator is stood there, to his right is Danny glover.
He speaks with a perfect american accent.

PREDATOR
Peter, gee I would but you know, I kinda have my
own thing going on right now.

GLOVER
I'm gonna have me some fun, I'm gonna have me some fun.

PETER
Hey, when you were bored and had nothing to do
who brought you to the party, introduced you to Britney.

PREDATOR
You did.

PETER
And when you accidently blew her head off with your arm laser,
1who disposed of the body?

PREDATOR
You did. Ok ok, let me just finish up here an...

Glover runs in and uses the predator's sphere weapon on him..



PREDATOR(Falling to his knees)
I take off my laser to fight you like a man
and this is how you repay me? What a BITCH.

Int.Giriffen house - Back to present.

BRIAN
You could always get a loan.

PETER
I've had bad experiences with loan sharks.

Int.Loan shark's Office. Past

A shark is sit in a chair in a suit.
Peter is on the other side of the desk.

PETER
I want a million bucks.

SHARK
(Thrashes about in the chair making shark sounds)

Int.Griffen house - Present

Stewie walks in.

STEWIE
What the deuce, something is not right.

BRIAN
Peter owes the men in black a million bucks,
his son's gay, and his other son thinks he's destined to
either rule or destory the world. Take your pick.

STEWIE
Delightful. His squirming should prove adequate sustinance
fior the fest of ramadam.

BRIAN
You're not a muslin.

STEWIE
Oh I don't know, certain things about their
way speak to me.

BRIAN
Like?

STEWIE
Blowing (Bleep) up.

PETER
Listen, we have to move.

BRIAN
Peter no, I've spent years
burying bones in the backyard, it would
take me weeks to move them.

PETER
Look if shuts you up I'll a whack someone and give
you all his bones.

BRIAN
It's not the same, there's a sentimental attachment.

PETER
Like?

BRIAN
Chewing (bleep) up.

LOIS
I've GOT IT!

Wait a beat.

PETER
What are you waiting for, a drum solo?

LOIS
We'll contact my cousin, El Gotti Van Sisse.

PETER
Van sisse? What his he, a bouncer at a kindergarden?

LOIS
He's connected. to the mob. All the way back to Godfather 2

BRIAN
That was a movie.

LOIS
Yeah, he whacked an extra for talking to his wife.

BRIAN
A mass murdering, law breaking
scumbag.... Sure why not. If nothing
else it will give stewie someone with something in common to talk to.

STEWIE
YEs well...Well....BLAST!

PETER
So it's settled. We move to under the sea.

Everyone looks at peter.

Wait a beat.

Ext.Beach - Next Day.

Peter is walking warefront into the sea breeze, he stops, and looks out at the sunset.

PETER
Ah, chris.

He picks up a rock, and throws it in the sea.

PETER
How could anything be wrong
on such a beautiful day.

He picks up another rock and throws it out.

PETER
The birds are singing, the leaves are singing,
even the sand is singing.

Picks up another stone and skims it across the surface.

All of a sudden, a big fish jumps out of the water and stands on the surface about
fifty metres out.

BIG FISH
HEY!

Peter looks left and right.
PETER
You talking to me?

BIG FISH
How would you like it, if I came to YOUR house and started
throwing stones at you.

PETER
Ah geez, I'm..

BIG FISH(INTERUPPTING)
Wouldn't like that too much, would you!!

The big fish throws a stone at paper, it just misses him.

BIG FISH
You like that?

He Throws another stone at peter.


PETER
Arghhh!

Peter runs.

Throws one last stone at him,

BIG FISH
Yeah you better run bitch!

Wait a beat.

BIG FISH
Oh that's right, I can't breath above water.

Big fish instantly slumps and dies.

Int.Griffin House Front room - Same day.

Peter and brian are sat in the chair.

PETER
You're the smart one brian. Think for me.

BRIAN
Well you could always accept the fact
that your son is gay, move on and le..

Notices the look of horror on peter's face.

BRIAN
Or you could just kill him.

PETER
If I payed you..would you, would you...

BRIAN
Kill him?

PETER
Couldn't we just rough him up?

BRIAN
D'you think that'll work?

PETER
Worked on Cliton.

Cut to.
Int.White house - Circa Monica Lwinsky era.

Bill Clinton is sat opposite Monica Lewinsky.

BILL
So, monica, what do you do?

MONICA
I'm a hardcore republican Bill. Some people
say they're republican, some people even wear badges,
BUT I AM REPUBLICAN

She jumps and almost rips through her clothese like the incredible hulk.

BILL
Sit down dear.

MONICA
So we're doing this. NOW.

BILL
Doing what?

MIONICA
I want your seed. Give it to me. NOW.

Bill looks left, then right, slightly paniced.

BILL
Where?

MONICA
My dress is made of magic weave.

BILL
So on the dress?

MONICA
Yes, together we will replinsh the republican stock.

BILL
Well ok, won't be the first time an American has bombed the wrong target.


Int.Griffen House - Back to present.

PETER
No it would never work, his mother would never allow it.

BRIAN
You want me to kill her too don't you?

PETER
No no, just, make it so she isn't a problem.

BRIAN
So let me get this straight, your son is gay,
and your solution is to hire your pet dog to cripple your wife and kill your son?

PETER
It's a work in progress.

BRIAN
It's a diaster.

PETER
I don't hear you coming iwth a better plan mr...mr...mr..dog that talks.

BRIAN
Well I can't compete with that mr drinks beer and flats flat on arse everynight
and wakes up with an hangover the size of my (Bleep)

PETER
You can't say that.

BRIAN
Why not?

PETER
(Bleep) knows.

Cut to.
Ext.Stoned Pete's Video store. - Night.

Peter is wearing a dark ninja suit and mask and is waiting outside.

Wait a beat.

Steve holt walks out holding a video. He turns to his left and begins his journey home.
Peter creeps behimd him, trying to hide in the shadows, but his belly protudes from them stil.

PETER(To arm band)
(Whispering)
Ninja's log, twenty four twenty five....sixty one.
Target acuired, take down in progress.

Close in up on their faces(Steve on the left, peter on the right)
as peter draws closer.
He pulls his swoard from it's sabre and stalks right up behind steve.

He pulls the swoard up and goes to swing.

CRUUAAACK

Pull back.
The swoard is acting as a receptor to 21,000 volts of electricty
from an overhead power cable.

Steve holts walks off.

PETER (Still smoking)
Target is clearly well versed in the dark arts.
Am procedding to plan b.

He goes to walk. Stops. Back to the arm band

PETER
Ninja's log suplimentry. Buy more shoes with earthed soles.

He throws the charred swoard to the ground and begins stalking steve again.

Once again is feet away from the unsuspecting Steve holt and is about to pounce.

PETER
Nothing can save you now.

He reaches out and starts strangling him. steve stops but doesn't react.

Wait a beat.

Still strangling him, steve walks away to reveal peter is in fact strangling a metal sign post pole.

PETER
Ok just because cartoons are flat and have no
perspective doesn't make that possible!
Who wrote this episode? Dick Van freakin' dyke?

PETER(To arm band)
Am fidning myself fettered by poor writing
HAve to resort to plan C -

Peter starts stalking behind him again and he's about to pounce when steve notices him in the
corner of his eye.

STEVE
Peter?

PETER
Sssh, you're having a bad dream. Go back to sleep.

STEVE
I reject that claim. I'm entirely lucid.

PETER
If this was reality, could I do this?

Peter pulls his left eye out of his socket. Steve grimmaces.

STEVE
Ouch.

Peter looks at his left eye with his right eye.

PETER
That'll...that'll grow back right?

STEVE
I don't think it will.

PETER
....GET ME TO A HOSPITAL!

Cut
Int.Rhode Island ER - Continueing.

Peter is in a bed with a eye patched being rushed to the ER room.

DOCTOR
We're halfway there peter. Relax.

PETER
I half see what you did there.

DOCTOR
One's the lonilest number.

PETER
Yeah I get it. I have one eye. Geez who hired Adolph Seinfeld.

DOCTOR
Adolph Seinfeld?
I get seinfeld but adolf?

PETER
You're both have terrible moustaches.

DOCTOR
Umm, Mr Griffen I don't have a moustache.

PETER
That's what's so terible about it.

DOCTOR
Should I grow one on the side of my face you can see?

PETER
I think that side's a little bloody for girth

DOCTOR
No it's...

Peter punches him in the face and he falls flat.

They reach the er room. peter's family are there waiting for him.

PETER
How did you get here so soon?

LOIS
We took a cab.

PETER
Geez, What's with the bleak commenteries?

LOIS
What there was no traffic, nobody works on sunday?

PETER
Cab rides faster than a ambulance, nobody's got any jobs,
what are you putting your name up for a emmy?

LOIS
an emmy? I wouldn't (bleep) on a toilet for an emmy.

PETER
Yeah your right. Emmy. I don't know what I was thinking.
Must be cause it looks like gold. But is in fact tin foil.

Animation stops.

A Legal Notice scrolls across the bottom of the screen.

NOTICE:
The producers of family guy wish to assure the emmy board that will gladly accept any emmy you
wish to award us. We're running out of things to use as bongs and you're little dudes are great peacemakers.
Thanks, signed - The dude. P.S - Have you seen my rug, man?

Animation restarts.

PETER
It's so wierd having no depth perception.

BRIAN
Oh yeah? Example.

PETER
Like...take lois; breasts.

BRIAN
OK.

Brian reaches up and pulls off lois chest, puts it in a spotted dalmation hand bag and walks out of the room.

Lois looks at peter. Peter looks at her.

PETER
Well I don't think anyone expected that.

Cut to.

Ext.Statue of Liberty - Night

Arnold Swatznigger is stood on side pointing a gun at a gruff looking terriost with a gun to a hostages head.

ARNOLD (Deep austrian accent)
(He speaks in monosylbic tones)
Give it up Hannigan, the game is up.

TERRIOST (Hannigan)
You move, she dies. Check and mate, mr bond.

ARNOLD
I'm not bond. I mean sure I think I would made
a great james bond, but they said my accent
made me sound like a broken tumble dryer trying to say hello.

TERRIOST
OK. What should I call you?

ARNOLD
Umm, Mandy?
TERROIST
Wait mandy, are you...are you homosexual dude?
ARNOLD
Yes I am.
TERRIOST
Well hey,
He pushes the hostage off the side and she falls to her death, but neither of them acknowledge it.
and begins to walk towards Arnold.
TERRIOST
You're pretty hot for a F.B.I agent
ARNOLD
And you are pretty hot for a terriost.
TERRIOST
You thinking what I'm thinking?
ARNOLD
Part-A?
TERROIST
No. GAY PARTY!

They begin to dance and jock strops begin to rain down from the guy.
Pull back, we're in rhode island cinema, peter is watching the film, both eyes no intact.
PETER
Ah jesus, this is worse than the tarrenitno cut of four weddings and a furneral.
CUT TO
Int.Church - Fantasy Film except

Quetin Tarrantino and George Clooney, wearing the same dark suits they wore
in From dusk till dawn are stood witness as hugh grant and ally mcdowl are getting married.
One is holding a bible, the other a tommy gun.
they are stood at the alter, eight people are stood in front of them.
Four pairs of man and wife.
And a lone man with a shovel is stood beside them.

Wait a beat.
The lone man, does a finger count of everyone in the room, ends up on himself.
LONE MAN
I don't like we're this is going.

GEORGE
Bada Bing( Shoots couple) Bada Boom( Shoots couple)
bada boosh(Shoots couple) bada bang( Shoots coulple )

They're all dead except the lone guy.
LONE GUY
Did you even read the script?
QUENTIN
I had my agent highlight all the swear words for me.
LONE GUY
You just, flat out don't get love storys do you?
QUENTIN
What are you talking about, I wrote True romance?
LONE GUY
How many people died in that movie?
QUENTIN
Fifty two thoushand, five hundred and seventy four.
Lone guy blinks.
QUENTIN
But they were all bad.

Lone guy blinks.
Cut to,
Int.Rhode Island cinema - Present

The movie credits are rolling, they are clearly visible,
Assistant to the director - Dick "Your script sucks. P.s So does your mum" Peters.
Assistant to Mr Swaznigger - Cherry "Get a better name, seriously" Pickins'

Title and credits - Paul "Revenge of the fired" Andrews.

Pull away to peter walking out.
EXT.CINEMA - CONTINUEING

It's raining outside, like a cold shower in winter. Peter has no umbrella
Arnold Swatznigger appears from out of the shadows.
ARNOLD
Did you like the movie?
PETER
I've seen better.

Arnold pulls out a gun.
ARNOLD
Oh yeah?
PETER
Yeah, I mean come on, that
was some of the hammiest acting I've seen since hamlet.

He loads a bullet into the chamber.

ARNOLD
Go on.
PETER
And the gay fest at the end? What was that?
Targetting single white male sex in the city fans or what?

HE attaches a telescope to the gun.
ARNOLD
Procede.
PETER
And your accent? I mean come on,
how long have you been in this country?

He attaches a silencer.

ARNOLD
Carry on
PETER
Well no that's it really.; Bad acting. Stupid accent.
Over zealous gay subtext.

ARNOLD
Thank you for being honest Peter.
He points the gun at peter. Then swivels it around and prompts peter to take it.

PETER
Had enough?

ARNOLD
I'm an horrible actor! I'm famous for sounding like a
a carbretor stuck in neutral. Silence me peter!
PETER
You sure? Might sting a little.
I mean I've never been shot before, but I can take a guess.
ARNOLD
You must peter.
PETER
i can't do it.

ARNOLD
I'll keep on acting if you don't.
PETER
It's no good, I can't.
ARNOLD
I may one day run for presidency.
PETER
Anybody would be better than that monkey they've
got running the show now.
ARNOLD
You must!
PETER
I can't!

ARNOLD
My next movie is Twins 2
Peter instantly shoots him twice.

Wait a beat.
Unloads the rest of the clip into him.

Looks left, looks right. Runs.
Wait a beat.

INT.GRIFFIN HOUSE - Next day.

Peter is walking up the stairs towards chris' room.
HE reaches the door, opens it and stands still in awe at the sight before him.

Chris is laying next to Steve Holt.
PETER
Holy Crap! This is more ackward than that time
I ran into prince charles.

CUT TO
INT - FRENCH GARAGE - Nigh before Diana's and Dodi's crash.

Peter walks in drunk out of his head.
A black limozine, the exact one diana had her crash in rests in the hold.
Various pictures of the Eiffel tower and other french landmarks adiorns the walls.

Peter stumbles around the back and knocks into a kneeled over man.
He is holding two break leads.
He turns around. It's prince charles.
PETER
Fixing your breaks?
CHARLES
Errr...Yeah, _fixing_ my breaks.


CUT BACK
INT.GRIFFIN HOUSE - Chris' room - Back to present.

PETER
Oh. my. god!.
Peter's legs begin to buckle.

PETER
Can't stand. Gravity too strong.
He clings to the wall.

PETER
Mayday, mayday.
He scratches onto the walls as he falls to his knees.
PETER
Ah this gonna hurt.

He plummets forward, hitting his head on the sideboard.
STEVE
Is he...is he ok?

CUT TO
Int.Downstairs - Continuing.

Brian is helping peter to the chair, peter is still drouwsy.
PETER
It's no good Brian.
BRIAN
No?
PETER
I even looked in his room for something to bust him,
but all I found was this Beavis and butthead script
he bought off e-bay.
Holds it up, camera fixes on it.


It Reads
BEAVIS:
Heh heh heh.
BUTTHEAD
Heh heh heh..
BEAVIS
Heh heh heh.
BUTTHEAD
Heh heh heh.
BEAVIS
Heh heh heh.
BUTTHEAD
Heh heh heh.

" (And so until the end of the page )

BRIAN
Why don't you watch tv, your faviourite
show is on.
PETER
Yeah I suppose.
He turns on the tv.

It's Six feet under. Kieth, the homosexual cop is standing guard at a door with two
white bodyguards, Andy and Cadchowski

A female walks past.
ANDY
I'd tap that.
CAD
I'd tap that.

Keith blinks.

Wait a beat.

Another female walks past.

ANDY
I'd tap that.
CAD
I'd tap that.

Keith blinks.

Wait a beat.

A hot village people like construction worker walks past.
Andy blinks.
Cad blinks.

KEITH
I'd tap that.

Andy and cad's face look slightly bemused.

ANDY
So, I think I'm gonna quit and become a nun.
CAD
Me too.

They walk away.
PETER
Ah this show's no good.

He pulls a gun and blows away the tv.

BRIAN
You know, that's the remote on your knee.
PETER
I know. I just felt like that joke was better placed on a superior show.
BRIAN
Ouch. Groeing's gonna cut you up man.
PETER
He don't scare me. I have a gun.
BRIAN
He's a member of the NRA. He has more.

PETER
If he wants a war, I'll give him a war.
Gun goes off accidently , brian collapses.

Wait a beat.
PETER
Gee, you ok?
PETER
Uhh...

Peter puts down the gun. stops. picks up the gun and wipes the finger
prints off it. He looks both ways, and then darts for the door.

Stewie walks in. Notices the gun. Notices brian.

STEWIE
YEEESSS!

He does several pelvis thrusts in celebration.

STEWIE(Singing to the melody of an army chant)
Gonna dig me a hole, put a dead dog in it.
Gonna dig me a hole, put a dead dog in it.

Brian gets up. rubs the back of his neck.
STEWIE
What the deuce?

BRIAN
Shocked?

STEWIE
But the blood...

BRIAN
It's syrup.
He licks some of it to prove his point.


Micheal douglass walks in. Sean penn is stood beside him. Peter comes in right after.

MICHEAL
This was your game stewie.
STEWIE
Game? GAME?!
PENN
Yes, this whole uhh, episode
PETER
Sssh you're breaking the 4th wall.
PENN
Uh anyway, this whole, encounter..encounter good?
PETER
Beautiful.
PENN
Was designed to gauge your reaction stewie.
STEWIE
So Chris is really not a savaloy kinda guy after all?

Chris walks in with two hoes on both arms.
CHRIS
Hell no player, I be all about the ladies.
STEWIE
And that gun. blanks?
MICHEAL
Yes, watch.

Micheal picks up the gun, aims at Sean and fires.
Sean drops to the floor.

PETER
Err, actually I couldn't find one that fired
blanks so I just aimmed a little to the left.
Micheals eyes shift side to side.

MICHEAL
Gotta go!
Micheal ruins. Sound of police sirens. Sound of someone being tazered.

Wait a beat.

WELSH LADY(Screaming)
Wait, he hasn't wrote me in his will...HE HASN'T WROTE ME IN HIS WILL!

LOIS walks in.
LOIUS
Peter, why is there a dead sean penn in our living room?
PETER
Err, you see what happened was, there was this,
fire and you see uhh, well batman wasn't avaialible
so you see, I had to.err, look is there anyway I can
trade sex for you not asking anymore questions?
LOUIS
Sure.
PETER
Ok you heard her brian, let's go. Freakin pervert wants a show.
BRIAN
Err peter, I think she meant..

Peter starts to walk towards brian and begins to unbuckle his belt.
BRIAN
Peter no!

He reaches peter and the camera zooms in as brian yells Kirk/'Khan style.
BRIAN
PETEEEEER!

FADE TO BLACK
The end.