Frozen Nightmare

Little shards of ice pierce my eyes as she enters the room and I swear the lights dim just for her.
A girl’s nightmare, tall and lovely like a flower frozen in time and she walks over to where we are sitting he and I and sits down and I know I stand no chance against this beauty.
She smells like heaven but smiles like a demon and oh God I know he doesn’t stand a chance against her but who am I to think he would choose me over her when she stands there tall and lovely and wanting?
Here I am, small and quiet and silent in the worst way and she stands there proud and haunting how could anyone be better than she is and I wonder if I was ever meant to be happy because it certainly doesn’t seem that way.
She speaks with her body but I speak with my mind and I know that in a perfect world we would be matched, but the world is cold as ice and sharp as glass that cuts even the toughest skin and she has so much more to offer it would seem.
I just stand back and watch as she steps in and takes everything I ever had and thought I loved and he doesn’t seem to mind one bit because she is lovely and I am not.
But, doesn’t he see that she doesn’t love him, she’s just using him to get what she wants she is selfish and cruel and on the other hand I would do anything for him.
He doesn’t see that though she smells like hurt now like all the hearts she’s broken into little bloody puzzle pieces have left her smelling like the hurt she gives to warn others but the perfume she wears cleverly covers it and I don’t have the courage to unmask it for fear of her rage that would surely follow.
He talks and she talks and he talks and she talks and I don’t talk I just stand there behind him like the fool I am and she whispers things in his ear tempting him away from me with empty promises and wicked lies and he believes her and stands up and walks away with her and never even looks back to where I am standing there in the cold alone without anyone because I trusted him.
She turns once and looks at me and I don’t know why I thought anything this lovely could last because nothing that is lovely ever lasts and I trusted him, I trusted him, which I shouldn’t have because didn’t I learn my lesson last time?
But, somehow, I am the tiniest bit relieved to see him go because now the threat of pain is no longer on the horizon it is right in my face and I can stare back with hollow eyes and bloody heart and never stop staring because I am just so consumed with everything and it’s like someone I love and hate at the same time is staring back at me and maybe even a little of myself is staring back too.
I just walk out and go home and don’t even think about it because if I do I’ll feel horrible and I don’t feel like feeling like that night now so I bury the feeling in the closet in my mind and decide to worry about it tomorrow if I ever do.
I just fall backwards into the clouds of my bed and stare at the ceiling because nothing else is there to look at and nothing else matters to me anymore other than the pure white that is above me and something so pure would never hurt me and I can get lost without fear of getting hurt and something so wonderful should never last because perfection is simply not for me and I can’t hold on to anything not even the thoughts soaring inside my head and why can’t I seem to find a middle ground where I can store all this safely?
I just look at the ceiling and look and look and fall asleep holding on to myself which is something I can’t hold on to for very long anymore anyway.
Finally I think I’ve had enough because nothing will sink anymore it’s all bubbling towards the surface and I can’t have that I can’t handle thinking about it I can’t so I take my notebook and write until I can’t anymore and I don’t think anyone will understand and no one will ever read anything because I would never trust anyone like that because every rose has thorns that I can’t handle anymore because I’ve lost too much blood already and this has simply got to stop soon before I bleed to death.
I don’t know who I can trust if I can trust anyone at all because I trusted him I trusted him I trusted him I trusted him and it all went so horribly wrong that I think I’ll try not trusting anymore and why can’t this roller coaster just stop because I really want to get off now?
I take my notebook and walk and walk and walk until I don’t remember anything I don’t remember where I am or who I am or what I am or anything at all I just keep walking and walking and nothing is real that I don’t want to be but then I see something and I stop because I just feel like I should and who’s that looking at me I think I know him don’t I?
Well, this is too much if you don’t mind so good bye have a good life but please don’t come near me because I don’t want a reason to trust anyone at this time it’s too much for me can’t you see?
No, everyone just sees me the perfect student a dork a little girl inside a teenage body a dying butterfly smothering in the dirt and you’d never know how fainthearted I was because I never show it because why should I you don’t need to know anything about me just keep walking and we’ll all be fine won’t we?
But, it looks like you’re quiet too because you don’t say anything to me and I’m glad in a way but on the other hand my soul is reaching out to him someone anyone won’t someone answer it without crushing it?
I don’t know and I can’t help but be afraid because everyone seems to want something from me that I can’t give and why can’t I just live alone maybe it’s because in a strange silent way I don’t want to be alone anymore.
He looks familiar and I wonder if I’ve met him before I think I would remember someone like him he looks different somehow colder lonelier more a silent type than anything else kinder somehow though maybe he’s been hurt before like I have I wonder if for once in my life I should take a chance and say something but no I’m just too shy too nervous too afraid I walk by without saying anything yet I look back once but only once.
He looks different and I remember that he is a friend of my friend what a coincidence this world is too small everyone knows everyone and yet no one knows anything because no one cares and I don’t care anymore but I do in a little way I will never admit it though never in a million years never ever.
But, I do know him except I don’t really I just know who he is by his face which actually looks very nice maybe I should try talking to him but no I shouldn’t it would be too painful I don’t want to go through that again never it hurts too much.
Eating lunch I see him again and he looks at me and I look away because I don’t know what to do and I continue eating and he continues eating and everyone continues eating because the world stops for nothing not even something that could be the beginning of the end for me.
Finally I manage the smallest smile even though I probably shouldn’t but I do anyway because maybe I should who knows it might turn out right this time.
I finally say something not much but something maybe I shouldn’t have but it’s too late because we’re talking about our friend a little not a lot but enough for a conversation small talk.
I just talk because he is and it seems right in a way but still so wrong because what about the bad that follows the good?
We talk and talk about our friend because so far that’s all we have in common but who knows maybe this could be a good thing but don’t let your guard down yet haven’t you learned anything yet people can be dangerous.
I say how our friend has been worrying me because of some of the stuff he’s been saying about everything I don’t really know what to do I’m the tiniest bit worried me worried I know it’s crazy but I think it might be true for once what do you think? Our friend seems sad which makes me sad because somehow I want to help why do I want to help it will just probably come back to haunt me what can I do for him do I even really want to get involved but I’m worried so maybe I should what if he needs me?
I ask him to keep an eye on him even though it’s always nothing and it’s probably nothing then why am I so worried about it?
He says yes of course he would do that for me don’t worry everything is under control it’s nice of me to worry about our friend why don’t I take his screen name maybe he’ll talk to me online to report anything he thinks might be important do I mind?
No I don’t mind I guess it’s a good idea it’s only a screen name I could always ignore him if I absolutely had to but I don’t know if I should trust him should I maybe not but maybe.
I give him mine and he gives me his and I put it in my pocket and give him a small smile and he gives me one in return so now we’re even so I guess I’ll be seeing you around okay?
Sure okay nothing left to say right so you won’t mind if I leave right okay thanks even though I don’t thank you out loud maybe you know what I mean do you probably not so I just walk away and this time I won’t look back.
Later I type his screen name in my computer and guess what he’s online maybe I should talk to him no never mind that’s a bad idea I shouldn’t bother him he’s probably busy talking to his friends never mind I’ll just let it go for now so I sign off before I do anything stupid.
Days pass slowly and winter passes slowly and thoughts pass slowly and soon I see him more and more and I don’t know whether this is a good thing or not maybe I should just stay away from him who knows what he’s thinking I don’t know him at all and he doesn’t know me so why don’t I just keep it that way?
But, I like talking to him for some reason and for some reason I think he likes talking to me I shouldn’t get my hopes up it’ll never happen ever I shouldn’t worry about it shouldn’t I but I seem to be thinking about it more and more am I beginning to trust him oh God I hope not that always turns out so wrong for me why would you just leave me to my sorrow beautiful angel I am not for you please go away and leave me to this hell I live in there’s nothing here would please you why do you stay?
I can’t trust you don’t you know I can’t trust anyone it hurts too much I won’t let it happen again never why can’t I just let go like I used to something about him makes me want to trust again what am I crazy?
I like his smile and I like his laugh and I like the way he thinks before he speaks and I like talking to him in school maybe I should stop this I should stop this I can’t stop this I can’t stop this why can’t I stop it I want to stop it before it’s too late.
He looks sweet he’s an angel isn’t he must be there’s no other way for someone to be that nice to me something’s wrong with this picture the hurt has got to follow I’m not ready for this yet it’s too soon too tender too kind too gentle what’s wrong with me I’m afraid that’s what’s wrong.
He’s kind to me why is he kind to me there’s nothing in it for him it’s too late for that maybe I should tell him no maybe I shouldn’t there’s something in his eyes telling me I shouldn’t maybe he’s different from all the others maybe not I don’t know yet but he seems different could he be?
I don’t know somehow I don’t care do I maybe I do but sometimes it’s just an illusion is this an illusion I don’t know anymore.
He talks to me and smiles and I smile because he’s sweet I need a break so good bye for now I don’t know where I’m going and it’s unexpected I know I didn’t even get a chance to tell you I’m leaving for a while did I?
But, he notices right away that I’m gone and he doesn’t know where I am and he wonders and I don’t know this but I miss him a little bit does he even know I’m not there?
He knows even though I don’t know and he asks my other friends where is she and they don’t know why do you ask I’m wondering where she is are you missing her? Maybe I don’t know I guess I am I guess I like her now where is she can you tell me I really want to know.
I don’t know where she is I’m so sorry maybe someone else knows she hasn’t been in school I’m starting to worry I wonder if she’s okay I sure hope so she’s sweet in her quiet way.
Me, on the other hand, I know where I am but somehow I don’t I’m lost in myself once again I need a map or something I wonder if anyone is looking for me probably not.
I just relax until I can leave that’s what I’m always doing aren’t I I’m always running away from everything I’m so afraid so fainthearted so lost so lonely why won’t anyone save me?
I do what they tell me for now but I stay safe inside my head inside my thoughts no one can touch me there I am safe I am safe I am safe at last maybe I can have control no it’s not my call anymore I will wait out this storm inside my head no one can drag me out come on and try.
I finally go back to school nothing’s changed everyone’s the same wait are they I don’t know something’s different somehow where have I been?
Of course, I’ve been on vacation I was sick I had something to do so many excuses no one knows the difference I’m sorry I’m lying to you but you don’t have to know but my friends know don’t they?
Wait, he knows how does he know I don’t remember getting the chance to tell him did I maybe I just don’t remember well he knows now get ready to lose him brace yourself.
I open my eyes and he’s still standing there always standing there waiting for me why are you still here why don’t you abandon me like everyone else has what is the matter with you?
He says he cares about me and I laugh a little why do you care you just met me I’m just a girl nothing more what’s so special about me why are you doing this?
He says he cares about me and somehow someway I believe him why do I believe him I just do he wouldn’t lie to me I can see it in his eyes they sparkle like the brightest stars and I don’t see any ice at all where is the ice?
It was never there was it I was just imagining it wasn’t I you’re different aren’t you why are you different why do you care about me?
I trust you I trust you I trust you I don’t know why but I do in a way I know why but it’s something I can’t describe I just do maybe even the same way you care about me it’s something beautiful and wonderful and blissful and magical and I don’t believe this is happening to me is my luck finally changing now?
He knows me why does he want to know me how does he know me it’s a little surprising but oh so comforting knowing he’s going to be there for me he’s there for me isn’t he yes he is.
He needs me in the same way I need him and I’ve never been needed before I can’t remember the last time it was so long ago this is something new for me something so new but it’s something I could get used to I could get used to this.
He’s my other half the sun to reflect my moonlight he knows me and I know him I know his thoughts before he tells me I can just tell it’s something new but somehow it’s not he and I are just one.
We know each other and we are each other are you sure we’re two different people sometimes it feels like we’re the same person one person one body one mind is this normal?
It’s one completing the other can you tell where I stop and he starts I don’t know if I can tell it’s something odd and yet something so beautiful it takes my breath away.
I have my own opinions and he has his and yet I can make him think outside the box like what if this and that and so on and he can make me think outside the box or sometimes inside the box take a deep breath relax it’s going to be alright I’m here for you I would never let anything hurt you are you sure?
Yes he is sure and I’m sure and he knows and I know and everyone knows that somehow I give him something he’s missing and he gives me something I’m missing and together we’re a complete mind a complete circle a complete perfect being.
We are one we are one sometimes I don’t know how it happens I know what he’s thinking and he knows what I’m thinking and sometimes he doesn’t even need to say anything but I like the sound of his voice so he talks and I talk because he likes the sound of my voice is this for real or am I dreaming again?
No, he’s here and I’m here and the girl made of ice whose heart was dark wasn’t here she was too busy with the other boy who hurt me he hurt me my emotions raging in pain I can’t stand him anymore because of the pain he gave me as a good bye gift.
She sees me and leaves him ha I’m grateful for his pain he deserves it I can have my cruel moments and this is one of them he deserves the heartache he gave me doesn’t he?
She leaves him holding on to the edge of her dress why are you leaving me can’t you see I love you can’t you see I need you?
No, no you don’t you just think you do this is just a crush you’ll get over me what about what’s-her-name whatever happened to her?
Who are you talking about you are the only I care about you are the sparkle in my eye you are the only one I need in my life who are you talking about what other girl?
I am standing outside and I hear him and I can’t help but stop once to listen are they talking about me maybe I should step inside what am I thinking am I looking for more heartache?
I keep walking this is enough I don’t need this I don’t need him he doesn’t need me I keep walking I plan to walk on by until a door opens in front of me and there they are the lovely couple what do they want from me?
They stop and stare and I stop and politely look back hello may I help you and they look at me with disbelieving faces who are you again you look familiar do we know you?
I just smile a smile I do not feel I do not want to be polite I do not want to be kind I want to destroy them like they destroyed me they destroyed everything I had they were evil they didn’t deserve anything at all.
Do you know her I don’t think I do you look so familiar.
You know who I am you know who I am don’t play that game with me you took him from me I cared about him well keep him I was wrong to trust you I gave you my heart and you killed it you killed me.
I remember you is that really you it’s been so long how have you been are you okay you somehow don’t look the same.
I’m the same are you maybe I’m different you don’t know how much you hurt me I trusted you I cared about you and you hurt me you hurt me why?
She never cared about you she was your choice over me well I hope you two have a nice life together good bye sleep well and don’t let the demons in the closet of your mind get your wicked souls.
I walk away and she says I can’t deal with this I can’t deal with her what is her problem is it something I did what’s wrong with her is she jealous she can’t get a date?
I just keep walking and walking and walking until I forget everything how many times will I have to erase the past why won’t it just go away please just go away I can’t take this anymore.
He hurt me he hurt my feelings he hurt the little fainthearted girl inside of me that I care for.
She sleeps inside of me a little white seed inside the soft black soil of my mind I will care for her maybe the world won’t kill her like it’s killed me I will carefully water her and maybe I can protect her I hope so.
I can feel his eyes on me as I walk away faster and faster I just have to get away from him before I start to remember can I stand to remember?
She was a demon an ice queen she knew what would happen she set out to hurt me I keep walking but now she can’t.
I stop walking around in my little hopeless circles and sit below a weeping willow and wonder why it’s weeping did someone break its heart too I just sit and think and think and wonder who she is and what does she want from me?
She is an ice queen, cold and hollow and never ending she’s too much for him and too much for me why do I feel the need to be her is it because she is what I will never be?
She is cruel and heartless and she hurt me he hurt me they hurt me everyone hurt me but wait because not everyone did.
I have friends who haven’t hurt me he would never hurt me I trust him I trust him I trust him in a way I never had trusted someone like that before how does he know me so well is it because I needed him?
I needed him did I call to him in my sleep in my dreams in my nightmares maybe that is how I found this angel I needed him and he came to me he came to me didn’t he yes I think he answered my call.
She is standing there looking so beautiful in her dress and pearls I hate you I hate you why do you hate me too I just wanted to trust someone I trusted him I trusted him and you took him away from me why?
In some twisted way I want to be her I want to be able to be cruel like her what would it be like to be that heartless and that beautiful I wonder no one seems to mind her wicked heart as long as they can drink up her beauty with their eyes are you all blind?
I decided not to worry about it I won’t think about it you can’t make me think about it no I won’t it’s nothing but a cloud across my sun nothing more she’s nothing she’s nothing isn’t she?
I don’t know I stand up and walk and walk and don’t even think I just walk to where I know he is he’s there he’s always there for me isn’t he I trust him I know him and he knows me he trusts me he looks at me and I know his heart is aching with mine how does he know I’m hurting inside?
He just knows and I know he knows his heart is aching like mine is we’re connected he doesn’t know why but he knows something’s wrong what’s wrong?
I just stand there I don’t know I don’t know I want to tell him so badly I just want to tell him what I’ve been through but I can’t I can’t can I?
I want to trust him so badly it’s sitting on the edge of my tongue on the edge of my heart let me tell him why can’t I tell him I trust him don’t I of course I do I trust him. But all I can see is her and the other boy who I also trusted I trusted him I trusted him see where it got me this is madness can I trust him he’s looking at me with sad lonely eyes he knows I want to trust him but somehow I can’t I can’t yet but I want to I want to so badly can’t I?
He nods he understands he doesn’t make me tell him take your time it’s fine when you feel ready I’m ready to hear what you have to say I’ll sit with open ears open mind open heart open arms if you need me I’m here for you just tell me so.
I smile and almost cry why am I crying I’m not yet but I can feel the tears I’ll hold them back not because I don’t trust him but because tears hurt like metal spikes through my heart I can’t cry I’m cursed to live without tears forever and ever and ever and ever I can’t cry but I look at him.
He wants to know he truly does and I tell him some of it just pieces of it because that’s all I can tell right now and he listens without saying anything and he listens as I speak and I’m speaking without stopping can I stop I don’t think I can but I don’t want to try yet one more thing I have to say I think it’s not important it’s just my life but I know he wants to hear it he wants to hear and I’m done for now sorry. He stands there looking at me his eyes are so sad what’s the matter did I say something wrong did I say something you didn’t want to hear I’m so sorry I really am what’s that is that a tear?
He’s crying he’s crying why is he crying I’m confused he smiles and says he cares about me I know I know and I care about him too so much no one else knows it’s amazing to think about he’s crying for me wow he’s crying for me.
I just laugh not cruelly or loudly or rudely just laugh lightly gently I can’t help it and he knows that he understands he always understands how does he understand me?
But then a nightmare follows my dream is that her it can’t be her not here not now please no please no it is her isn’t it oh God it’s her I’m frozen I can’t move it’s so afraid no I can’t take this she looks at me and smiles yes oh yes.
I am on the edge of tears no please no please no go away never he’s mine because he wants to be not because I force him to be he understands me why don’t you understand that what do you want from me ice queen my frozen nightmare?
She just smiles and walks by surely he will look away from me at her surely at her always at her he looks up of course and sees her and she smiles which he doesn’t see but wait his gaze doesn’t stop on her it passes her by and comes to rest on me she’s confused what’s going on?
He smiles at me only at me not at her and I smile back oh God is something this amazing happening she stands there and looks at me nothing more or less that what I am what is wrong with him he didn’t even give her a second glance I see now he is not blind his eyes are open wide.
She frowns an ugly frown one that could melt a few hearts finally something as ugly as her heart itself does she even have one I don’t think so he’s still looking at me and he takes my hand and we walk and he doesn’t look back not once but I do and I smile at her like she did to me long ago and she stares daggers ice daggers at me but I don’t feel them at all because his light melts them into cool water.
She’s felt behind I’m going forward with him he knows he smiles he understands finally something wonderful has happened to me I can’t believe it but I can believe him can’t I I’m thinking yes.
Did she even exist at all maybe she didn’t but then again maybe she did maybe she’s the fear inside my heart the unknowing the lost the loneliness the pain the sorrow the wonderment the magic the key to my soul and maybe she did maybe she was a cruel queen who tried to kill me tried to destroy me you can’t destroy me sorry I’m finally safe finally home I trust him and that makes my world a little brighter a little lighter a little cleaner a little friendlier a little lovelier a little nicer a little more mine.
My notebook takes on a life of it’s own beautiful words emitting light and sound the twinkling of bells the light of the moon the sparkling stars the bliss of love something wonderful something magical something amazing something mine at last it’s mine at last.