Ramblings of a Heart Sick Fool

I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a soul mate. It is obvious as to why if you have ever harbored a love for someone for years and it has never been returned. If there were such a thing as a soul mate then that would stand to reason that they would exist in pairs. There would be no way that it could expand to thirds or more. The definition of a soul mate is two souls that were once a whole at the dawn of time and were split into two beings that will never feel whole until they are together again. Now being an Atheist that thought is given even less consideration. For these souls are made by god and if god does not exist how could a soul. I do however fancy from time to time that there is someone out there for everyone but being that the world is so vast and with so many different people in it I find it an acceptable deduction that there is a great chance that you will never find the one for you. What happens if you do find someone that fits you? What happens if folly is done and you loose that person? Is it possible that you may never find that feeling again or even rid yourself of the feelings you have for that lone person?

I have a few thoughts. I believe that love is merely a chemical reaction in your brain that is triggered by chemicals secreted by the other. My theory (based on no actual research) is that the reason we go on for years and never fall out of love with this person is because your body now craves that reaction that you only got while you were in the presence of that chemical. Kind of like an addiction. Now what would be nice is if you could either suppress that emotion or even sustain it by means of a manufactured chemical that resembles what you were once exposed to. Unfortunately that is more than just unlikely. A heartsick person's wet dream. But even I am not immune.

I have felt the effects myself years ago back in high school. I fell for a guy hard and fast but due to childish, high school drama I lost him. I attempted for years to get him back but to no avail. I still feel just as strong as I did then but on a day to day basis I cope. Think of him every day but I continue on. I date but never expect it to last. I care but never love. I lie about that daily for how can you tell a person who seems to love you that you only care about them and that for some reason you can't shake the love you feel for someone else. It has been about 9 years since I have fallen in love. I am on my third engagement and feel no thrill. If you asked I wouldn't be able to tell you why I keep saying yes. Theories on it are vast such as not wanting to be alone, the hope that I can fall again, the chance to have a family, ect...blah blah blah. As far as these relationships go my limit of tolerance has been 3 years.

I used to wonder if I had told him the truth instead of thinking it was better to try to beg forgiveness than to convince him that what was said was for the benefit of others and false that I may have had a chance. Thinking back on it though I would have probably just been labeled as a liar myself. So I LIED to keep from being called a liar. What kind of messed up stuff was going on in my head!? I more than likely would have come up with the same outcome.

Now he is taken and seems to think he has found his soul mate. He has a beautiful little girl with curly hair and I am here, lost and alone. I bounce around with my goals only revolving around future employment. The only goal that requires no emotion...therefore the safest. I continue on in this never ending charade of dates, engagements, marriages, and ultimately divorces. To what end though; I have no idea.

Regardless of the reason we love so strongly I have accepted that this is my life and that I will never be with the one that I love. I will continue on and strive to do the best I can. Everyday I will fall victim to my mind picturing his face and remembering his voice. I will force myself be happy for him as long as he is happy and I will hope that friendship is not too much to ask for. Now and again I will fancy that there is another life after this one and then I will get it right but that is just a dream. One day I will be but a dream as well. But not yet.