Muse

The muse in me starting to wiggle her toes and come out of her shell.
Her words piercing my head as I lie awake at night

She taps into the words thoughts and feelings I had tried to repress..all the hurt, all the hate, but most of the lonliness; the dark void that is within.

She taps into it all making it bubble to the surface so I find myself crying at the person I have become.

The innocence lost when he pulled down my pants; the innocence lost when he moved his hands over the body that wasn't his, but mine. Innocence lost at the tender age of five. The flashes of him and what he said forever inside my head.

All of it coming in flashes and even more bubbles to the surface.

The flashes of the ex boyfriend who grabbed the hair and bashed it against a door when all I tried to do was talk. The fear of what will happen when I talk again. Silence befalling the person I used to be.

The flashes of the kids who made my life hell everyday telling me how good I wasn't. The darkness creeping its way over my body and through my head.

The flashes of the friend who's dad couldn't keep his hands to himself and the flashes of me not being able to speak soon enough; guilt riding inside; overiding my soul.

All of the fear, all of the pain, all of the anger and all of the guilt I tried to forget that bubbles up and can't fight back as the tears that well up inside my eyes. Don't want to think don't want to feel because I am tired of whats its doing inside.

It overshadows my life and I can't move on. no one can relate because no one knows the person I used to be; wanting to hang my head in shame for something I felt I couldn't stop.

My defenses no longer helping; virtually disappearing into a mist of self doubt.

I lie awake at night the muse in me wiggling her toes and coming out of her shell hurdling all these thought, feelings, and words I am trying to repress; wanting so much to forget instead of regret and wishing for the flashes to cease to exist.