leaving

There was a neat little café that I could see as I ascended the stairs. I thought I’d stop by armed with my new found freedom and nine dollars. I ordered a couple rum and cokes and contemplated where I would go next. “Anywhere but back” I thought. I was proud of myself for finally getting up the nerve to leave. To say goodbye to every thing I had ever known.

After trading a few glances with some of the locals. The warm rum buzz seemed to lift me out of the café and back out onto the street. I started down a vacant street with the hopes of coming across an ATM. A light mist blurred the autumn leaves and brought the concrete to life with the glow of the street lights. I got a little money out of an ATM to finance what was started to seem to be an pretty foolish odyssey. I was so far from home and had no idea where I would go next. But I knew I had to keep going. I couldn’t go back home. I had to find myself. For too long I had been listening to others and becoming what they imagined me to be. I imagined that all I had been through, all the fights, all the screaming, the failures; all had been nothing more than steps. just like the ones leading up to the café. And now I had climbed the stairs and was at the top. I promised myself again I would never go back.

My cell phone started ringing, I was tempted to answer but instead shut it off and sat at the bus station, pulled out a small notebook and pencil out of my pocket and began sketching the buildings. The suspense was killing me though, I had to check my messages. I had two messages from Clair both scolding me for neglecting my duties as a boyfriend. I felt ashamed for leaving her behind they way I did. The old me would have waited for the next bus back to Taylorville where I could go be back home with Claire and my family. My leaving would just be another blotch on my record as a lover, a son, and a brother.

I ended up checking in to a cheap motel and getting maybe the best six hours of sleep I had ever had. The next morning I woke up with the sun warm on my face and decided to get some breakfast. When I went to go get breakfast I realized I didn’t have a whole lot of money. I had enough for a subway ticket and another night in a motel. Reality set in. Would I get a ticket for a couple of towns over, where I was promised a job or would I go back to Taylorville and face the proverbial music? I took one look at the subway stairs and made up my mind. I was not going back.