Between Love & Hate (Part 1/5)

1.

          I am like a crystal. You look at first and see just a crystal. It’s pretty, but nothing special. But when you shine a light through it, millions of colors surge through it and escape its prism reflecting more radiance than the human eye could ever hold.
          I stopped for a moment to stand and listen to the world go by. Sometimes I’d close my eyes and simply feel the feeling of being alive. I stood there looking at my surroundings, admiring every detail of every thing. I picked a leaf off of a tree and tore it in half, right down the vein that runs right down the middle of the leaf, and let go for the wind to catch and the sun to see. I continued walking. I loved days like this, days I could put on a comfortable skirt and take a walk to Sam’s house after school without getting too hot or too cold. Sam was my very best friend. We had been friends since the 7th grade and now half way through high school we’re still best friends. I walked slowly, but not too slowly. I liked to take in my surroundings, even though I had been there in my neighborhood thousands of times before. I turned the familiar corner and headed in the direction of Sam’s house.
          I walked up to the door and let myself in. We saw no point in knocking anymore. I walked a few steps into his house and Sam greeted me with his big sparkling green eyes and warm smile. He ran his fingers through his thick dark brown hair and tousled it around making it messier than it already looked.
          “Hey El.” He said casually as he hugged me into his room. El was my nickname, short for Arielle. No one called me El except for Sam. No one hugged me like Sam either. He had this special way of doing it, making you feel so warm and loved and comfortable. Sam was one of those people that didn’t take people for granted. He also loved simple things in life, like me. We’d take walks together and go down to the city and take pictures of things. He was my absolute best friend and no one could ever change that. We got into his old little car and went to get some ice cream. He ordered chocolate and I got chocolate chip, like always. We sat at our usual booth.
         “You know who talked to me today?” He asked.
         “Not unless you tell me.” I said licking my ice cream into a perfect round shape on top of the cone.
          “Amy Watts.” I started laughing. We both couldn’t stand Amy Watts. She was one of the preppy girls at our school that wore designer purses and had dyed hair and spoke ridiculously. They were always talking about how drunk they had gotten last weekend and who all hooked up with who and where they got their newest 100 dollar purses and all sorts of pointless things like that. We referred to that whole group of girls as ‘baby guarls.’ Despite thinking they were annoying, Sam still thought they were all hot but I just thought they were stupid.
          “What could she have wanted to talk to you about?”
          Sam laughed. “She asked me if I wanted to go get coffee with her.” He took a huge bite out of his ice cream cone and crunched noisily. Part of the cone stuck to the corner of his mouth. I took a napkin and wiped it off for him.
          “Whatever,” I laughed. “You wish.” I joked with him. He told me he was going to go with her for coffee on Friday.
          “Friday?! You were gonna come over Friday while my parents were gone to watch my sister with me!” I protested. We never actually babysat when my parents were gone. My sister was 9 and she could look after herself. My parents just insisted that I stayed with her. So Sam would usually come over and we’d turn up our music really loud and over exaggerate air guitaring and sang off key. We were best friends and could do that kind of stuff without thinking of each other as stupid.
          “It’s just this once. I’ll rent movies for you to watch to make it up to you.” He said sincerely. He always meant what he said and always stayed true to his word. I figured it was alright since it was just this once and agreed. Sam finished off his cone in one bite and grabbed his keys as he motioned to leave. I got up and followed him to his crappy little car. It really was a piece of crap but any other car just wouldn’t fit Sam. I got in.
          Sam peeled out of the parking lot and headed home. I really didn’t like the idea of him going out with one of the baby guarls. They might make him into one of those jock assholes. “Sam, you better not do stuff with Amy.” I said firmly.
         “Like what?” he asked innocently with a devilish smirk on his face.
         “Oh don’t even! You know exactly what! If you even touch her you’ll probably get like 42 STD’s. She’s been around and then some.”
          Sam laughed. “Fine. If it makes you happy I’ll wrap myself in saran wrap to protect me from her nasty diseases.”
          I rolled my eyes at him and laughed. We could both make each other laugh over anything, no matter how stupid. I turned up my music. I really loved Frank Sinatra and forced Sam to listen to it whenever I wanted to. I knew he secretly liked it but he always would act as if he couldn’t stand it. He’d make exaggerated groans and throw his head back like a little kid. I’d just turn it up louder and sing along purposely off key. Eventually, Sam would give in and sing along with me.
          I loved Sam but people around me thought I was in love with him. See, there’s a difference. I strictly love Sam and that’s all there is to it. He is practically my brother, always looking out for me and loving me unconditionally. He was a lovable guy. You couldn’t help but be friends with him. He is so friendly and easy going and could get along with anyone. He was also very attractive. If we weren’t best friends and I didn’t strictly just love him, I’d probably have a crush on him, but I know better than that. He had messy dark brown hair that made him look as care-free as he really was and the most amazing green eyes. They had a billion shades of green in them and they seemed to change colors with whatever emotion he was feeling. When he was mad, dark green, when he was happy, light green. They sparkled every time light hit them. He was tall, 2 inches shy of 6 foot, and wasn’t too skinny or too fat. His build was perfect and strong, which made his hugs all the better. He never let hugs go to waste. Every time I’d see him or every time I’d leave he’d give me a huge hug as if it were the last time he’d see me. He also has this uncanny way of knowing what I’m feeling. Sometimes it’s creepy and other times, comforting. He was the perfect best friend. I couldn’t ask for anyone better.
         Summer came so quickly it was almost scary. It was the summer before we were juniors in high school. It seemed so old, it scared me. Everyone around me was changing and I hated that. I took a lot of walks, mainly to clear my mind.
          I set out on a walk around my beautiful neighborhood. It was one of those old ones that are almost in the downtown area, where the houses are big but not too big and all have a different personality. Today I wasn’t taking a walk to Sam’s house, but just walking to take a walk. I stopped and picked some flowers so I could be really cliché. I really liked how cliché I was sometimes. I had on a flowery skirt that came right on my knee that rolled with the wind and some black Mary Jane shoes. I braided my long wavy black hair to the side and stuck a flower in it. There I was, in my little girl attire picking flowers and taking an innocent walk through a beautiful neighborhood. I took a route I rarely took. I walked there for the sake of walking with my flowers and little girl clothes on. I was watching the ground pass under my feet, making sure I didn’t trip on the broken side walk. I stopped at an acorn tree and continued being stereotypical by picking some acorns and putting them in my pocket.
          “Hey.” A voice called out to me. It startled me and I dropped some of the acorns. A boy was leaning against the tree next to the one I was picking acorns off of. Apparently I didn’t see him there before I started picking. I had never seen him before so I observed him. He had a rough yet laid-back look to him. His hair was sandy and unkempt. He also needed to shave. Despite his dirty look, he looked friendly.
         “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.” He said. By now he was picking up my acorns that I had dropped. I smiled and said it was okay. “You’re picking acorns?” he asked nicely. All of a sudden I felt stupid for picking them. They’re not like flowers that are pretty and fragrant, they’re just acorns. I blushed.
         “Uh, yeah…I was just taking a walk and-”
         “My sister picks acorns a lot.” He interrupted.
         “Oh? How old is she?” I asked.
         “8.” He said, emotionless.
         “Guess I’m a little old for acorn picking.” I admitted. “I’m 17.”
         “That’s cool. What’s your name?” He asked uninterested.
         “Arielle.” I said confidently. I learned that the more confidence you have, the better chance you have of people liking you.
          “I’m Matt. You live around here?”
         “Yeah, in this neighborhood. How come I haven’t seen you around? I take walks around here a lot.”
         “I don’t come outside often. I’m usually not home actually.” When he talked, he almost seemed bored with what was happening around him. It made my curiosity toward him grow.
         “Where are you usually?” I smiled a little when I said this. I also learned that the more you smile, the more people like you.
         “Out.” He said simply. Then, out of nowhere he asked what I was doing that night. Of course, I wasn’t doing anything and he asked me to go to a party with him. I was hesitant at first because I had never really gone to a party but said okay anyway. Then I was on my way back to my house.
          I immediately called Sam. I told him all about Matt and he told me all about how he thought he was bad news.
          “You’re just mad because I know someone else in the neighborhood now.” I teased.
          “No, I’m not mad, I’m just worried. He doesn’t sound like that good of a guy. He probably just wants in your pants.” Now, I knew Sam, and he was naturally a caring person. But I knew that he secretly didn’t want me to have a boyfriend or any physical contact with a guy at all for that matter. Sam and I were very strictly just friends, but in the beginning of the year he dented that rule a little.
          He had this girlfriend in the last weeks of summer and a few weeks into 10th grade. Her name was Elena and she was very pretty. They dated for a month or two and Sam really liked her, and a lot. Elena was one of those girls who had been around the block a few times. Sam, being the nice forgiving guy that he was, looked past that and thought he loved her. Sam didn’t realize that Elena really wasn’t that into him. Once she had finally broken up with him, he was a mess. He called me and I came straight over. His eyes were red, from crying I assumed, and his face looked worn. It was actually pretty pathetic. He was getting more emotional than he normally would’ve and seemed distant. I really felt sorry for him so I hugged him for a long time and then he started to kiss me. And I mean really kiss me. Although it had been the first time it had ever happened, it was completely comfortable. I was a little surprised when he kept going after a couple of seconds but I figured that he was really desperate and I was just there so I let him kiss me for a very long time.
          I wasn’t not one to push people off unless they’re completely violating me so I let him keep going. It was just Sam, after all. He was attractive and I knew him, no big deal. I hated that I secretly liked it. But what I really didn’t like was when he undid his pants and gently put my hand in the right spot. It wasn’t what I expected but I just let it happen. And then that was that. Afterward he got really ashamed and I don’t blame him. If I were him I wouldn’t want my best friend even thinking about my regions. He started getting really guilty saying that he shouldn’t have made me do that but I lied and said it was okay and that I didn’t mind. He was blushing a lot but I pretended like I didn’t see it. When people blush, they don’t want you to know that they’re blushing or else it makes them blush even harder. He started getting really upset and pushed me away. I figured that this was something Sam needed to do on his own so I left.
          I had never really left Sam crying before and I intend to never do it again. It really hurt. I vowed to never leave him like that again and that I’d always help him through things. After that little incident, Sam was a little more jealous of other guys and me. I guess it was because he really loved me and didn’t want to see me get hurt. But I secretly thought it was because he thought he couldn’t match up to whatever guy I’d choose. That was his fault. He shouldn’t have put my hand there.

2.

          I looked through my cluttered closet for something decent to wear to that party Matt invited me to. I finally picked out some jean shorts and a shirt that I had made. Now I usually don’t wear shorts because, well, they’re really short. But I figured it was summer, and I was going to be around some new people so why not? I made a lot of my own shirts but that one was my favorite. It was weird, but so was I. I put my long hair sloppily up in a knot and when Matt’s car was outside my door, I told my parents I was going with Sam and was off.
         Matt looked different from what he looked like earlier that day. He had on a cap and nicer clothes. They weren’t exactly nice, just jeans and a polo, but nicer than his lawn clothes that he had on earlier. He didn’t really talk to me the whole way there, besides telling me where we were going and asked if I partied much. I told him no. The rest of the time he kept his right hand on the radio knob as if he were about to change it but never did, and his left on the steering wheel. He had on the radio which was playing its usual crappy music that he seemed to really like. I didn’t have anything to say or do so I awkwardly looked out the window the whole time thinking of what tonight was going to be like.
          We pulled up to a house with a lot of cars in front of it.
          “Well here we are.” He said walking to his trunk. From there he pulled out a huge icy barrel. “Help me with this thing.” He said while struggling to lift it. I grabbed a side and we carried it up to the front door.
          “What is this?” I asked innocently. Matt started to laugh.
          “You really don’t party much do you?” He snickered. I shook my head. “It’s a keg. It’s filled with beer and then you attach a hose to it and people chug it and stuff. You’ll have to try it.” He said just as we were approaching the door. A few people getting out of their cars shouted hi to Matt. I wanted to go back home. This was not my kind of place and I didn’t know anyone. We got inside and put the keg in the living room. People started filling up their cups.
         “Here. This oughta get you started.” Matt said as he shoved a plastic cup full of beer in my hand. It smelled awful but I had nothing else to do so I downed it. Nothing. I always knew I could drink without getting drunk. I always thought that if you had control of your mind, you could control it with alcohol too. So I had another cup, and had to admit, I wasn’t as tense as I was when I had gotten here. I sat down to a table of people playing cards and they invited me in. There was a blue bottle on the table that smelled like candy. I was really thirsty so I took a swig. It tasted really good so I poured myself a glass. Then I realized that I was having a pretty good time.
          Matt came over to me and put his arm around me. He had a half empty cup in his hand. He pulled me up from the card game and introduced me to some of his friends. They were all drunk, including Matt. How stupid of them, I thought, that they can’t even act normal with a little bit of alcohol. I finished off my candy drink. Matt then left me with his friends. A guy named Fritz took me into the basement while he thoroughly hit on me. He looked much older than the rest of the people there.
         “You’re lookin’ good tonight. How old are you?” he asked.
         “17.” I was no longer the shy Arielle that came to the party.
         “Not bad, not bad.” He said nodding his head. We walked into the basement and there were about 10 people down there smoking. Except they weren’t smoking cigarettes. “You smoke?” he asked as someone handed him a joint.
          “I never have.” I said as he smoked it.
          “Here. Just inhale as deep as you can.” He said as he handed me the joint. I didn’t want to at first, but figured nothing can hurt me now. I did what he said and immediately started coughing and choking. I told him I didn’t like it and gave it back. I told him I was cold and he handed me a shot glass and told me to drink it. He said it would make me feel better. I drank it in one gulp and watched people smoke. I liked how warm it made me feel so I asked Fritz for some more.
          “You sure you can handle this much?” he asked before he handed me my third or fourth. I lost track.
          “Yeah, I’m fine.” I said as I drank that one. After a few minutes it felt as if I wasn’t there anymore. I asked Fritz if I still was or not. He elbowed a guy sitting next to him and laughed. I did too because I didn’t get it. I laid my head down in Fritz’s lap and the whole room flipped on its side. It was amazing, everyone was sideways now. I felt very light and free, as if nothing in the world mattered. I heard people walk down the stairs and I looked over at them. I saw a sideways Matt coming and he looked angry. He walked over to where Fritz and I were.
          “What are you doing?” Matt asked brusquely.
          “Getting her wasted.” He said laughing and pointing to me. Matt’s angry face turned into a smile.
          “Let me have her.” He said as he picked me up like a baby. “Are you feeling okay?” He asked devilishly. I didn’t notice at the time.
          “Perfect.” I said. He carried me out to his car and into his backseat.
          “You know that you look very pretty tonight?” he said as sweetly as he could.
          “Thank you.” Matt was very attractive at that moment I realized. Then it felt like I was dreaming but I knew I was still there. Matt got in the back with me and shut the car door. He started to move closer to me and I forgot about anything else in the world. I really don’t know how long he kissed me for, but after a while, he broke away and said he needed to take me home. Somehow we got back to my house safely and I crashed on my bed.

* * *

         The next morning my phone was ringing. Of course it was Sam and I rolled my tired body over and answered my phone. My first party. I felt so inexperienced before but now I felt a lot older…and guiltily cooler. I wanted to tell Sam all about it.
         “Sam. You have to come over right now I have a story to tell you!” I said excitedly. Any time something mildly interesting happened in either one of our lives, we had to tell each other immediately. It was sort of to touch base on what was going on in our lives. I hung up with Sam and walked into my bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror, observing my tired eyes and messy hair. I splashed cold water on my face and brushed my teeth very thoroughly. When I was finished I tapped my tooth brush twice against the sink and shut off the water as I heard Sam’s car pull up in the drive way. I hurried into my room to throw on something half way decent before Sam walked in. I ended up in some old shorts and a tank top. That was my uniform for lounging in the summer. I’d wear it at some point in every day without fail. Today I added some yellow striped tube socks because my feet were cold.
          I eagerly greeted Sam at the door and shoved him into my room. I told him how I couldn’t wait to tell him what I did the previous night.
         “Why don’t you hurry up and tell me?” he said, his eyes sparkling with curiosity. He tackled me onto my bed in the usual way and threatened to tickle me if I didn’t tell. I hated being tickled.
          “I went to a party last night.” I told him. Sam’s smile disintegrated and his eyes got serious.
         “Oh?” He released his hold on me.
         “Yeah, with that guy Matt I told you about!” I giggled. He didn’t. “And…you’ll never believe what I did!” For some reason, every thing “bad” I did, I wanted Sam to know about. Not necessarily because I felt guilty, but because I wanted Sam to know every side of me. I wanted to remind him I wasn’t innocent little Arielle.
         “What did you do?” he asked seriously. I all of a sudden felt bad for doing anything behind Sam’s back. But then I thought about it, and I didn’t have to tell Sam everything I was going to do before I was going to do it.
         “You can’t get mad.” I informed him. I said this a lot to warn about the following information and to let them know that I wasn’t going to allow them to be mad at me. I hate it when people are mad at me. It makes me nervous and shaky. If I know someone close to me is upset with me, I will do everything it takes to get them to forgive me. It usually works.
         “I can’t promise anything.” He said sternly. I hesitated and then told him of last night’s events. His face got very still and I could see in his eyes that he was disappointed. He of course tried to cover this up but he couldn’t fool me anymore. I know almost exactly what he was thinking and feeling just by looking at him.
          “That was stupid.” He said flatly. I thought hard about it. It really was stupid.
          “Yeah, but you can’t get mad at me for a first. First times are always forgiven!” I said as sweetly as I could and added a cute smile. Whenever I detected someone about to be angry with me, I pulled out my little sweet girl charm. It won almost everybody over.
          “Yeah, I guess.” He said. His eyes had turned darker to match his mood. They were like those mood rings back from when we were younger, that we’d squeeze in our palms hoping they’d turn pink and tell us that we were in love. But they’d always just turn two colors, a teal green or bright blue and occasionally red for the lucky kids.
          We sat there in a rare awkward silence. My eyes darted around the room looking for something to say. Sam beat me to it.
          “Promise you’ll never do it again? It makes me worry about you.” He said sincerely as he stuck out his pinky for me to promise upon. I couldn’t make any promises like that. I couldn’t promise now for what I might do next weekend. But I knew I shouldn’t do any of that stuff anyway or have Sam worrying about me like that.
`           “I promise.” I said and our pinkies sealed it. He hugged me tight.
          “So what did you and Matt do besides kiss; anything?” he asked nosily. I laughed.
          “That’s something that you don’t need to know.” I said, pointing my finger an inch from his face and we both smiled. I could see in his eyes that he wanted to know more but held back his questions anyway. My phone started to ring and Sam jumped on it and checked who it was.
         “OoOo It’s Matt!” He said like a kindergartner making fun of a friend with a crush. He held my phone high above his head as I tried to reach it. Finally he gave in and let me answer my phone.
         “Hey babe.” Matt said slyly. Gross. I decided I didn’t like him. At all. He was just sleazy and gross and nothing more.
         “Hi.” I said simply.
         “You have fun last night?”
         “Yeah.” I tried to keep it simple so Sam wouldn’t know what Matt was saying on the line.
         “Up for another night?” I knew couldn’t. I had just promised Sam.
         “Yeah sure.” I said anyway.
         “Cool. Pick you up at 9.” He said as he hung up without even saying bye. I put down my phone and acted as if he hadn’t called so steer Sam away from questions. It didn’t work.
          “What did he say?” he asked curiously. Sam cared so much about other guys in my life.
          “Making sure I was okay from last night.” I lied and Sam believed. Sam and I then went to our usual ice cream place to talk about life. I ordered my chocolate chip and Sam his chocolate and we sat down at our usual table.
          “You know, you never told me about how that date with Amy went.” It was true. He never even mentioned it.
          “Oh, yeah. Actually she wants to go out again tonight or something.” he said coolly. I wondered why he didn’t tell me sooner.
          “Well how did the first date go?”
          “Fine. We just talked and had coffee.” He said in between bites of devouring his cone.
          “You better not let her change you.” I said austerely.
          “No one’s gonna change me El, you have nothing to worry about. I, on the other hand have to worry about people like Matt turning you into a partier.” He said, half joking. Half joking in Sam’s and my world meant completely serious minus the tension.
          “You have nothing to worry about. Plus, I didn’t even like it. I didn’t even feel like myself.” It didn’t make me feel like anybody at all. Just another body floating around, interacting with people. I really didn’t like it and couldn’t see why everyone else did so much. I finished off my cone in a single bite and we headed to his car.
          I immediately went into the CD case to find what I was looking for. I pulled it out and put it in. Sam saw this and smiled with anticipation along with me. I put it on number 9 and waited until the music filled the car. The familiar heart beat-like drum beat at the beginning of the song led Sam and I to imitate it with our hands beating our chests. We broke out into song as the lyrics started. Sam had heard this song on VH1 in some special and immediately fell in love with it. Within an hour he had shown me. I thought it cheesy and lame at first but ended up falling in love with it too. Now it was our theme song. Sam even joked and told me he’d play it at my funeral. I joked back saying women live longer than men and I’d have to play it at his. And then he’d laugh and say that he was super man and couldn’t die. And then I’d call him stupid and we’d laugh.
          We rolled down the windows and I felt the warm air blow my hair around, enjoying Sam’s company. After we had gotten done enjoying our song, Sam told me how perfectly the song fits us.
         “Play it again?” He asked hopefully. I smiled, pushed a button and played “Promise Me” by Vince Neil over again.
          He was right. It was perfect.

3.

          Matt came by at 9, just like he said he would. That seemed to be our almost daily ritual. Matt comes over at 9, takes me to some party, puts a few drinks in me and we mess around the rest of the night. It was fun, I think. I’m sure that it wouldn’t have been if we were all sober, but we weren’t. There was nothing to worry about and everyone was happy. Within a few weeks we started dating even though I really didn’t like Matt. I guess you could say I was using him to go out and have a good time but I didn’t feel bad. I figured he was using me just to get some action so I never said anything.
         I hadn’t talked to Sam in a few days so I called him up. I let my curiosity get the best of me and asked about Amy. He never really told me much about her ever, except that they went out places. Usually Sam would tell me anything and everything but I figured, this was his personal life and I have no right to know about it. I decided that if he could have a personal life I could too. I didn’t reveal that I went out to parties with Matt often. I still didn’t feel quite right about it. The Arielle that existed a year ago would have steered completely clear of this scene but that seems to have changed. I thought it was pathetic that Matt and I had nothing to do except get drunk and mess around after but I accepted it rather than question. I found it was easier to go with things rather than question and upset yourself.
          Matt picked me up for another party and I decided not to drink this time around. I walked in and smelt the familiar air of stale smoke and drunk people. Matt shoved a glass in my hand like every other time. I refused this time around.
         “Why not Arielle?” the smell of alcohol hung in his breath. “You have every time before, what’s the big deal?”
          “I just want to see how fun these are sober.” I answered honestly.
          “That’s stupid.” He stumbled over his words. “Of course they aren’t fun if you’re sober that’s why we bring the keg.” He handed me a glass of that candy blue drink I liked the first time around. I declined and started walking away to try and find Fritz. Fritz and I had become good friends, since he was always at the parties I now went to. Matt grabbed my arm.
                   “Where are you going?”
“To find Fritz.”
         “No you’re not you’re gonna come with me.” He declared in his drunken state. He picked me up off the ground and carried me to a room. I kept telling him to put me down but didn’t fight much. I knew I wouldn’t win against him, he was much stronger. We came into a room and he closed the door behind us. I got a bad feeling. He set me on the bed and sat down extremely close to me. I immediately scooted over to the edge of the bed. He followed, and I scooted over more, almost off of the bed. Matt turned my face towards his and looked at my eyes. I saw the large amount of deceit and lust Matt had in his and every time he blinked it shot out at me. Then he moved in to try and kiss me, the smell of alcohol overpowering, and I turned my head. As if that wasn’t a big enough hint to back off, he made several more attempts. After about three failed tries, he said, Come on, Arielle, but I just kept saying things like, No, Gross, and Stop.
         He tried a few more times but I moved up to the foot of the bed. He came up behind me and reached for my jeans button.
         “Um, what are doing?” I asked sternly while pushing his hands off.
         “Aw come on Arielle.” He switched into his fake sweet talk mode. “You know you want it.” Matt didn’t know what I wanted. He was fumbling with the button on my jeans some more. I kept trying to push his hands off but they kept coming back like magnets.
          “Matt, stop.” I realized why Matt had to get me drunk to even talk to me.
          “I know you like it, you don’t have to pretend.” He said sweetly and smiled. Fake. He kept making more powerful attempts at me but I moved and avoided him. It got to the point where I was on the phone calling Sam to come get me. I finally realized how foul Matt was and I needed to get out. Sam’s voice was happy and calm, not what I had expected. I escaped somehow and talked to Fritz until Sam came to the house. I walked outside and saw Sam’s window cracked open at the top a little. I opened the door and a gust of smoky air blew out to me. Shocked, I studying Sam holding one of the familiar white sticks I saw at the parties I went to. I got into the car angrily.
          “What is that?!” I asked although I knew the exact answer. Sam’s head slowly turned and looked at me. A careless smile curled upon his face.
          “Want a hit? Rolled it this morning.” He said serenely. I had never seen Sam like this before. High.
          “Sam you can’t drive if you’re high! I didn’t even know you smoked!” I was alarmed. Is this what Sam did when I was out with Matt? I somehow got Sam into the passenger seat and I got behind the wheel of his box on wheels and drove us home.
          “Since when do you smoke, Sam?” I asked him inquisitively.
         “I don’t know.” He said as he took another hit. “Like a week after you and Matt started dating.” His eyes looked at me when I spoke but his mind didn’t see me. He blew out a long gust of smoke. I couldn’t even talk to him seriously.
          “Put that out!” I demanded. He simply told me no. I didn’t talk to Sam for most of the car ride but he kept babbling about whatever he was deciding to say. After a couple minutes of listening to Sam mindlessly talk about nothing, I asked him.
          “Do you even know the reason why I asked you to come pick me up? My voice had a bit of a scornful ring to it, like a mother. Sam looked at me and shook his head. He pulled out an ashtray out of his glove compartment and finally put out the joint.
         “Matt practically tried to rape me.” Sam’s eyes got wide and then he started cracking up. “It’s not funny!” I protested.
          “I told you he sucked but you didn’t believe me!” He laughed harder. This angered me. How could he be laughing? I didn’t talk the rest of the way home. I pulled into Sam’s driveway.
          “Sam, promise me you won’t ever get high again.” I said just as he was about to open his car door.
         “Why?” he released the door handle. “It’s not a big deal; you go to those parties and get drunk all the time. Why can’t I do this?” he argued.
         “Yours is worse, you know it is. And I decided not to drink anymore. Or even talk to Matt again. Please just stop, for me?” Sam stopped and thought for a while.
         “Okay, I’ll stop.” He said it like he meant it and got out. I turned off his car and walked around to hug him. I started walking down the street.
         “Hey El!” Sam called from his porch. I turned around. “Bye!” he said with a big smile on his face and waved. I waved sarcastically at him and began my dark walk home.