Mage Chapters 7-11

Chapter 7: Errp, hell you’ll understand in a bit.


1


Early the next morning, they were headed west. They weren’t sure how far that trip to Goblin Town had carried them so they kept on west. Soon they found a sign that was covered with dead moss and had skulls hanging on either corner of the sign and one on the sign post that extended a good two feet from the already tall sign.
It read: Megalia Welcomes you. Turn back or feel the wrath of Argamenianon!!! Pop. Too many to count. Est. Too long ago to care. Mayor: Dead for years!!! Ha Ha Ha Neener Neener Neener Cough!!! Love Tygony.
“I knew I had heard that name somewhere! Why am I so stupid, stupid, stupid?” The last was added while Lancelot banged his head against the sign.
“Well, it could be because you use your head for all the wrong reasons.” Argo said.
“Silence imp!” Lancelot said groggily.
“Wait, all this time I thought that he was just a psycho. Now he’s an evil psycho. Why does this always happen to me?” Hammond said. “Well men,” He hastily changed the address when Carrie and Marisha cleared their throats, “Well guys,” they cleared their throats again.
“Dudes and dudettes,” Argo suggested.
“And what exactly does that mean?” Carrie asked.
“Never mind,” Argo said dejectedly.
“Okay people,” Hammond said finally.
There was an uproar of applause.
“We continue west. Be advised that our enemy, Tygony, is now the enemy of all man-kind.” Hammond stopped when Argo cleared his throat. “All life, how’s that, did I cover all bases yet? Did I leave any of you out? Oh, yes sorry Lancelot. All ninnies as well. Oh, and of course…” Hammond’s meaning less ramblings went on until Marisha hit him in the back of the head with a tree branch that she had adopted as a walking stick. Hammond passed out.
“Great move, now we have to wait for the bastard to wake up!” Tom said.
“Groowllleerrtt. Bugamentadose. Timurtillia.” Something said from behind a tree. That something came into view in the next second.
It was huge, bigger than a troll. It looked like a giant bear with an undersized head. It’s fur was blue and it’s teeth green. The lower half of his body was covered in red plaid pants for decency.
“DO YOU SPEAK?” Lancelot asked.
“Bebedualla.” It replied.
“ARE YOU FRIENDLY?” Lancelot continued interrogation.
“Hugullaweenka.” It replied.
“I think it would have tried to kill us by now if it was an enemy.” Marisha said. “DO YOU WANT TO COME WITH US? WE WILL FEED YOU.”
“Don’t tell it that you moron!” Tom said.
“Gimulkarillia.” It said.
“Pinokilettia?” Argo asked.
“Errpistula.” It answered.
“You can talk to it?” Carrie asked.
“Yes, his name is Errpistula, but you can call him Errp.” Argo said to a stunned crowd. “He would like to come with us and he will help us carry that huge lug of Hamm.”
“HELLO, ERRP.” Lancelot said.
“Yegutameagu.” Errp said.
“He says he can understand our speech, but he would rather communicate through a translator, me.” Argo told them. “Oh, and you don’t have to yell.”
“Titursiam.” Errp muttered as he lifted Hammond to ride piggyback.
“He says ‘Gosh Hamm, has had one too many hams.”
The rest laughed about this for entirely too long of a time.


2


“Hello, Hamm?” Titus said, “Guys, are you there?” Titus was confused. When he woke up he was not in the forest at all. He was in some kind of room surrounded by bars. Why was he here? “Guys, I’m in here. Hey someone let me out!”
“Shut up, dragon!” Out of the darkness beyond the cage Tygony appeared. “You are only alive because I need to lure your stupid friends away from Megalia. If they get there before my armies arrive I’m as good as dead in the eyes of Argamenianon. I have tried sending goblins and orcs, but they are too stupid to follow orders. Next, I will send an army of dark elves. Once they enter the Dead Forest they are as good as dead. Ha Ha Ha Neener Neener Neener Cough!”
“You are one creatively challenged psychopath.” The dragon said. “I have half a mind to breath fire in your general direction.”
Tygony was obviously bluffing when he said, “Go ahead, the bars are fire proof.” Titus did as he was dared. The bars were indeed fire proof, but it seems Tygony, Dragon Mage, or not, wasn’t.


3


“Ouch, why does my head hurt whenever I wake up?” Hammond asked.
“Tiruclab.” Errp explained.
“WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? EVERYBODY RUN!” except he was the only one who moved and it took about two seconds for Errp to grab Hammond and settle him down.
“He says to relax. He will not hurt you, he is a friend. His name is Errp. We don’t quite know what he is, but he saved your life.” Argo said and then continued to explain what had happened, but of course, a falling tree limb was what hit him. He was just walking by and bam.
“Well, Errp, thank you.” Hammond said.
“Bedudabah.” Errp said.
“He says you should go jump into a nest of starving ravens.” Argo told him.
“Be-dud-a-bah” Errp said it slow for Argo.
“Oh, he says don’t mention it. Easy mistake, you understand?” Argo said.
“Well all, continue west!” Hammond announced as if he had any sway with what the group did anyway.
“Guidebulio” Errp said.
“He says, ‘Watch out flying pigs.” Argo told them.
“Haven’t you ever heard of the boy who called flying pig?” Lancelot asked just before being struck in the side of the head with none other than a flying pig.
“TAKE COVER!” Hammond shouted.
They all dispersed, they barrage of flying pigs lasted a good ten minutes until what was launching them showed itself. A giant catapult that was pulled by goblins. One of the goblins pointed at the unconscious Lancelot, “Xcellent, we got one, we did bring ‘em over ‘ere and we’ll take ‘em back. We got a hostage. Ha!” X the goblin danced for a long time about this. “Good thing Y was born on leap year!”
“M’name’s M today X. Remember sometimes Y?”
“Sure I remember sometimes, why?” X said. The goblins hoisted Lancelot onto the catapult and turned to return to Goblin Town.
“Well, Lancelot or the mission?” Hammond asked the group.
“The mission!” Argo shouted.
“Gutabelio” Errp shouted.
“Lancelot.” The others said regretfully.
“Sorry, guys majority…” Hammond started when one of the pigs stood up and began racing away from them. “Hmm,” Hammond began, “Live ammunition.”


Chapter 8: Goblin Hierarchy Vs. English Language.


1


The reluctant rescue party began to run after the catapult. Lancelot had either not awoken or had been re-silenced with a club. Not a sound other than the ravings of the goblins could be heard. They group tried to keep their footsteps quiet as well. They were following close behind now. Using the little cover the scarce vegetation provided. It was a long gap to the next tree.
“Tom you and Errp come with me. The rest of you stay here and keep out of sight.” Hammond commanded. The last rays of the sun were just fading as the three interceptors launched an attack on the catapult. A, C, Q, and P were the ones that charged them first followed by the other twenty-two. They all wore letters on their leather jerkins as if to identify them. Or, most likely to remind themselves of who they were.
Tom, sword drawn, charged a group of five or six of the little bastards and let out a battle cry. His cry was one of the wordless sort that was the only thing he could think of at the moment. The goblins reacted by running away and re-grouping to launch a slingshot attack. Tom lowered his head between his arms to avoid getting an eye put out. He then charged them with full force with one, low swing he beheaded two of them. (Z and P for those of you with the home game.)
Errp struggled when eight of the goblins ambushed him four on each arm stabbing at him with small knives. With a cry similar to that of Tom’s (Which may well have meant something to him) he raised his arms with such a force that three of the four went flying off in different directions. The remaining one he grabbed with his free arm and bit it’s head off. (T.)
Hammond was the last to strike. He raised his hands and quickly lowered them to his sides in a snap fashion. Knives appeared in each as if by magic. He quickly released them through the air striking two of them between the eyes. (R and Q.) Then he repeated the arm trick and charged with the new two knives.
Lancelot began to scream when he realized that he was tied down to the catapult and one of the goblins, showing true ingenuity had set it aflame. Lancelot began hopelessly to attempt to blow out the fire like it was some twisted birthday cake. Carrie ran around the corner of the catapult. Un-armed and relatively useless she screamed. Argo came around the opposite corner and without hesitation cut Lancelot free with the short sword that he had procured from the blacksmith in Mercantillia. Argo then, almost instinctively turned to face three goblins, which he preceded to engage in hand-to-hand combat. He fought a while in between two of them carefully watching his back and then was pinned by one of them. E raised it’s blade to finish him when Lancelot grabbed it by the ears and Argo jumped to his feet and sliced it’s legs off. Argo then turned to face two others and got their heads. (E, G, and C.)
The remaining goblins turned to flee. They had won! Lancelot was a free man, and to show his appreciation he congratulated them and asked, “What took you so long? They could have bloody killed me!”
This time Marisha hit Lancelot instead of Hammond of which he was rather grateful. Errp hefted Lancelot on his shoulders and the group was off once again.
“Westward, ho!” Hammond announced. Marisha eyed Errp.
“Humongusito.” Errp told her.
“He says that one is his limit. And he cannot carry that huge lump of man flesh, Hammond.” Argo translated.


2


In recap, the last battle scene cost the goblins eight lives Z, P, T, R, Q, E, G, and C. Although soon those positions will be refilled by more goblins. Let me explain the structure of the goblin hierarchy. Twenty-one of the best warriors make up the highest class. These goblins are awarded the title of one of the letters of the alphabet. All letters are represented due to the grammatical rule A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y. These are the highest of the high. Y is often asked to switch names to replace some of the gaps in the army. Also another confusing rule about the goblin hierarchy is: I before E except after C. The system is riddled by several other pointless rules much like our language. But then again, the people whom developed the language we speak today were most likely goblins themselves. (Or at least humans with similar intellects.)


3


“Tygony,” Titus bellowed. “Tygony, I need to stretch!”
“Oh, no! I’m not that stupid! NO, you want me to open your cage so you can just waltz out.” Tygony seemed much less patient since his recent torching. “At least try a different dance, the waltz is so boring. Try something exotic…like the Tango.”
“It takes two to tango,” Titus told him.
“So it does,” Tygony said while opening his cage. “Let’s tango!”
Titus stepped out of the cage looked Tygony in the eye and said, “Sorry love, your not my type.” And he flew off into the early twilight. Singing cockles and muscles, alive alive-o!


4


The group had not gone far when they decided to stop for a break. They found an excellent camping spot nearby and decided that this was as good as anything. They had just settled down when Hammond heard a noise nearby.
“Hello, who’s there?” he said timidly as he looked over a rock. What he saw amazed him, shocked him, frightened the holy buh-jesus of him, and moved him to tears all at the same time. Tom was giving Argo sword lessons. (You thought there was something mean and scary didn’t you? Ha, I got you this time! NEENER, NEENER, NEENER!) The clanging of the swords quickly got on his nerves. “Would you two stop the bloody clanging? There are some people who are trying to sleep! Jeeze-Louise!!!”
Evidently he had yelled a bit too loudly because Marisha came up behind him and said, “Yeah, like me. Shut up!” That was the last thing he remembered from that night.

Chapter 9: Mage

1

Alarxis reached the wooded oasis in good time and noticed that it was not much cooler in the shade than it was in the sun. He did not know where he was or what he was doing there. He knew only one thing: he was in the book. He had seen the word rush by him as he fell down a seemingly endless pit to the place where he had arrived.
He walked through the wood and hoped that there were no beasts seeking the same refuge as he. He passed trees taller than any he had ever seen. He soon lost his sense of direction, but what did he care? He had no place to be anytime soon, he could just wonder. He thought for a vague moment about those he had left behind. He could remember little about them now, wait what was it the iron-clad one said about the book? Oh, yeah, he thought, it was evil, it was a path to the very realm of Argamenianon.
Right then, he remembered why he was here, he had to find Argamenianon’s shrine. Lancelot told him about it when Alarxis had inquired about his past affiliation. He said that there was a prophesy of a mage coming to the shrine and bringing on a greater magic, one that could cripple Argamenianon even in his full fury. Alarxis was sure of only one thing, that if he got to the shrine, he could communicate with the Dark Lord of Unpleasant Things and convince him to shut up.
He continued to wander aimlessly through the trees and was soon ambushed by an elderly midget with a wicked stick. Alarxis tried to remove the old man from his back to no avail. He eventually remembered that he was a wizard. He focused his power into his heart and let it flow through his blood. Soon his blood, and the adjoining cells were brimming with physical strength. He let out a mighty howl and sent the old fart flying.
The wee man hit a tree and scrambled to his feet and threw himself at Alarxis again. Alarxis smiled and focused extra energy into his palm an threw a mighty fist to meet the little geezer. The old man did not fly like he had last time, but rather just slid off of Alarxis’s fist. Soon he was surrounded by little men. This was odd he thought, then he thought no more for quite some time.

2

“What is he?” a weak, squeaky voice said.
“I don’t know, what do you think? He is a wizard he used physical magic on me.” An old sounding voice said.
“Hey, excuse me little guys-” Alarxis began.
“Excuse me sir, we are leprechauns.” the familiar old one said.
“Right and I’m Elvis-cough-I mean Elvish.” Alarxis replied, and for some reason thought of Argo.
“Sir, do you take us fer fools? We not be gettin' any dummer ya' know. I think that it is time that you explain yerself." said the elder leprechaun.
“My name is Alarxis Allocatia. I am a wizard, as you have guessed. I could kill you all with the blink of my eye. Shall I prove it?” Alarxis said trying to intimidate the wee little leprechauns.
It worked. “Uh, no sir we believe you, don’t hurt us. We will help you Master Alarxis. We will guide you to what you seek…the shrine of Argamenianon.” the younger one said. Although he was much younger than any of the surrounding leprechauns he seemed to be in charge. “Yes, I am their leader. My name is-”
“Wait, can you read my mind? What kind of magic is this? Stop that!” Alarxis was rushed with fear, these little bastards seemed to be capable of reading minds. How else would they know about the shrine, let alone what he was thinking?
“No, not all of us can read minds foolish wizard. Are we the first leprechauns you have ever seen?” he paused for only a moment and Alarxis tested him by thinking his answer but not vocalizing it. He thought only one thing: arrow. “What do you mean arrow? We don’t have need for such things in our society. We can escape pursuers easily.”
He should have listened to our wizard friend because a split second later an arrow split the leprechaun leader’s head. The others broke off in different directions to avoid a similar fate. Alarxis placed a magic shield around the elf who was firing the arrows. The fool tried to shoot three at Alarxis and they all just disappeared when they hit the shield.
“What magic is this?” déjà vu, “What happened to my arrows? Who are you and why do you associate with leprechauns?” the elf demanded all at once.

“Hmm, foolish woodland beast. I am a wizard, and you are in no position to ask questions.” with this the idiot elf tried to run away and soon realized, quite violently, that the shield had fully surrounded him. He smacked into the magic around him and rubbed his head in the place that would most likely form a bump later. “You shouldn’t resist me. I hope that you are a scout amongst your people?”
“I have no people.” the elf replied simply.
“No, I am not an elf as you must think. I am merely a creation of the great lord of fools. I am a plane shifter. I can step out of this dimension and step back again at a different place. I was created as an experiment by Argamenianon, he wanted a whole army like myself that he could instantly seek out his enemies and put them to an end.”
“Sounds like a pretty desperate move for a god.” Alarxis commented.
“Oh, don’t say that! Argamenianon is no god. He is merely a powerful mage. He thinks that if he can summon a powerful mage to the shrine of legend he can bring on a powerful new magic, one that he believes will grant him godlike power.” the elf told him.
“You sound pretty informed about this. You must be in the upper echelons of Argamenianon’s chain of command?” Alarxis inquired.
“No, I have been cast aside. I am the reason that he believes that the plane shifter’s won’t work. I was too strong willed to do his bidding. My first mission was to hunt down and assassinate a mage by the name of Alarxis Allocatia. He is said to be the chosen one. The one who can bring on the power that will re-shape the world.”
“Alarxis Allocatia!” Alarxis exclaimed, “Why did you deny your master’s orders?”
“Because I feared that if he had the power of the gods that I would just be cast aside into a meaningless existence and would have nothing to do.” the elf began, “I am not about to get written out of this one.” But little did he know that that was exactly what I planned to do in the beginning of the chapter after next.
“Hmm, what if I told you that I knew this Alarxis fellow, but also happened to know that he was just a wizard?”
“A wizard like you are? One with powers like yours?”
“Yes, in fact quite like mine. He is very close to me. What would you make of that? The great mage that you were sent to kill is nothing more that a wizard.”
“I would tell you that I know who you are and I know that you have recently been contacted by the wizard council’s messenger, Tygony.” the elf said.
“Uh, right. Tygony’s with the council?” a bewildered Alarxis asked.
“Yes he is the grand mage, Sarrape Queigo’s, right pinky finger. He was sent recently to summon you to the council hall for your appointment as a mage.” A very stunned Alarxis just stared blankly at the elf still entrapped in the spell.



Chapter 10: Back to the Future Part 1997

1

“Uhhg!” came the cry.
“What, what is it Hamm?” Carrie said rushing over to see what was the matter.
“Why do I always wake up with a headache? I mean since this quest has begun I have not had a peaceful morning.” Hammond asked her pleadingly. Like a child whining to his mother about a scratch he had received playing.
“Uh, have you tried switching from Tylenol to Advil, because it is the medicine doctors choose most?” Argo suggested.
“You have to be the dumbest imp I have ever seen.” Hammond began.
“Boy, shut up. It is not nice to argue before breakfast, lets eat.” Marisha stated. There was no argument and they sat down to eat the food prepared by Carrie when Errp lumbered towards the group.
He had taken up the hunting for the group due to his seemingly uncanny sense of the wilderness. He had two more wild boars over his shoulder.
“No, Errp, lets not take more than we need. I think that four is enough for breakfast.” Marisha told him.
“Urshilakuman benisumem!” the great beast bellowed.
“Translator!” Tom shouted.
Argo crawled up from behind the rock which he was sitting behind. “I live to serve, Master Tom,” he said in a scathingly sarcastic tone. “He said that he was just mopping up the battlefield.”
“Hergutab,” Errp said to Argo.
“He is just picking up the pigs that missed target in the bombardment.” Argo’s annoyingly high-pitched voice said.
“Urgh!” came another cry.
Carrie walked slowly towards the point of the sounds origin and found a very ragged looking Lancelot. Still clad in his iron armor. He had not taken that off since that day in the bar when she had met him. She walked over to him and asked, “Are you alright?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine, I’m a big boy.” came the response.
“Ok, then.” Carrie said and walked away. Lancelot quickly searched his mind for something to say to win an ounce of sympathy from her.
This was all he could think of: “Arggh!”
“What now, Lancelot?” she asked.
“My, uh, leg. It is broken I think. I think that I shall walk no more.” he tried to convince her.
“Tirpulsta!” Errp said.
“He said-” Argo began.
“Bullshit. I don’t need a translator to tell that this worthless can of tuna fish, the chicken o’ the sea, is lying.” Carrie said.
“That is funny Errp agrees. Tirpulsta means bullshit in Errpish.” Argo said.
Lancelot looked down at his feet and began to scream again.
“What, you think that I’ll believe you now?” Carrie began, “Let me guess a big giant spider is behind me right now? You make me sick.”
“No, of course there is not a spider behind you Carrie, there is a rather odd looking man dressed in rags though.” Lancelot told her.
“Yeah, I’ll wager my life savings on that one.” she said as she turned to face a rather odd looking man dressed in rags. She stammered something unintelligible and backed up, tripping over a rock as she did.
“Do not fear me, ladies. I will not harm you I am looking for information.” the rag-clad man told them.
“Hey, do I look like a lady to you?” Lancelot demanded.
“No, but you sound like one whining over your obviously fine leg.” the man said quickly.
“Are you saying that a lady would wine over such a thing?” came Marisha’s voice followed by an all too familiar swoosh of a tree branch. The man collapsed mere inches away from Lancelot’s toes.


Completely unnecessary paragraph break right here boys (and girls, I am not sexist though I doubt many girls could have read this far).
“Going around hitting people like that is going to make you very unpopular,” the rag-clad man said picking himself up.
“How can you still be conscious?” Marisha asked.
“I am wearing a metal helmet under this hood,” the rag-clad man said turning to face Marisha.
“I should find myself a helmet,” Hamm pondered out loud.
“And if you think that you could knock me out, then you must honestly not know who I am,” the rag-clad man further implied.
“Really?” Marisha stated then swung the tree branch at the man’s exposed face.
“Did you have to go and hit him again?” Lancelot asked.
“Yes I did, and if you don’t like it I could hit you until you agreed,” Marisha said. Lancelot argeed, or at least didn’t say anyting else. Argo and Tom went to see what all the commotion was about. Argo studied the face of the rag-clad man.
“I know who this is!” Argo exclaimed. “You just knocked out Al Gore.”
“So, who’s Algor, he someone important?” Carrie asked.
“Algor is a powerful mage. He made this extraordinary amulet that Argo wears!” Tom told them.
“Why would unimportant people be on the news,” Argo said, as though to back up Tom’s argument. It was decided that Errp would carry Algor until he was able to answer questions, Algor that is not Errp.

2

Now would be a good time to catch up on Alarxis, but instead is the story of the knight who never was. Long ago in the land of Moonless in the town of Cresent Knoll, the knight aspirant whose name could have been anything was practicing his swordplay. While his name could have been anything his name was in fact Gilbert, but since I don’t like that name he will be called Bob for the rest of the story. So one day Bob was out practicing swordplay, and did I mention that wasn’t his real name? Back on track Bob was wacking the large dummy with his sword, and by dummy I mean an actual dummy, not the town idiot, though he had done that once, but everyone got mad at him and the village had to find a new idolt. Gilbert…I mean Bob wasn’t going to make that mistake again. Any way he was busy practicing swordplay on the dummy that was only a dummy and not the town idiot when all of a sudden a dragon appeared in the sky. Most of the village ran to hide, but Gilbert…I mean Bob went up to the dragon with his sword in his hand and shouted to the dragon.
“Remove yourself from this village you foul wyrm, or feel my wrath!” Bob shouted.
“Who are you?” Titus asked still trying to find his way back to Alarxis.
“I am Gilbert…I mean Bob a Moonless Knight!” Bob shouted. Titus began laughing, lost control of his flying, and landed on Bob ending his short career as a Knight of Moonless.

3

“Why is my head ringing?” Algor asked.
“Wow and I though we would never have to put up with his soul-stealing, mindless, drivel again!” Argo said. Before Algor could respond to Argo’s ridicule Marsha’s stick struck Argo in the back of his head.
“I already told you hitting people like that won’t make you popular.” Algor said.
“I could hit you again,” Marisha offered.
"I don't think that you could win the slightest moan or cry out of him. He doesn't feel anything." Argo continued.
"Heel!" Lancelot shouted at Argo, which earned the sneering, bare teeth of the imp.
"I have come for my amulet. It is the thing that allows me to feel no pain. It gives me live everlasting. It was stolen from me by a quite mannish whore a long time ago and I have finally been able to track it down. It lies in the hands of this fiendish imp!" Algor accused.
"Watch your tongue mage! I will rip your throat out. The amulet is mine! I must live on!" Argo shouted.
"Imp, you will give me what it mine!" Algor began, "I will send you back to the Hells that spawned you!”
“No, not the mid nineteen-nineties! I will never go back to that, never!” and with that last guttural scream Argo leaped with all his three-foot-two fury at the throat of Algor. The mage was knocked off balance and screamed with his own six-foot-one fury as the teeth of our beloved temporally challenged imp’s teeth sunk into the flesh of his neck.
Tom leaped to Argo’s aid with his short sword bared and his teeth drawn. Our beloved writer’s dyslexia was quite prevalent as he typed that last sentence. Algor managed to toss Argo off of his shoulders but while doing so failed to toss Tom’s blade off of his arm. The blade slid through the meat of his neck as easily as it would have slid through something easy to cut. The mage’s now worthless arm lay below him on the ground.
“That was my bloody casting arm!” Algor shouted.
Lancelot replied, “No, now it is your bloody casting arm.” Which earned him a quick painful thwack with Marisha’s club.
Argo, who was being held back by Hammond, laughed with a maniacal glee. And the amulet around his neck seemed much more important than it ever had before. At this moment it came to our dear Carrie’s mind that Argo had just practically admitted he was a being from the Hells, but that didn’t shock her as much as the fact that this was one of the few moments that there was absolute silence. No, never mind the damn wind just started blowing.