Goodbye Zizi

My eyelids fluttered open as I felt the steamy sun dance across my skin. The ice cool sheets enwrapped my body. The sounds of chattering birds resonated through the windows above my bed. I stared at the limp little body next to me. I watched as her chest rose up and down. I could hear her every breath. Her faun furred petite body weighed no more than fourteen pounds. Her black lips and chin were now sprinkled with gray hairs. Her big bulging brown eyes opened, looking right into mine. I could feel her tail start to wag against the sheets. I put my arm around her and closed my eyes in this perfect moment of peace. She scooted over to me and rested her little chin on top of my neck. I could feel her tiny heartbeat against my skin and her musk sent entered my lungs. We both drifted off to sleep once more. As my mind winded down, I wished this moment might never end. We lay there for another hour doing nothing, but it was the most relaxing and comforting moment of my life.

I woke up gradually to find the sun still blazing in my room and the sound of her snoring was the perfect alarm clock to wake up to. Having slept with my dog for over eight years, I was used to her heavy breathing and snoring. We were like synchronized swimmers as we started to move. We both yawned and stretched then jumped out of bed.

Zizi and I headed downstairs side by side. She ran to her bowl eager to eat her breakfast. Just as I poured her food, her head was buried in her bowl until she devoured every morsel. Right as she finished, I let her outside on her leash. It was a refreshing fall morning and the cool breeze danced a tango with all the leaves in the air. I gazed out the window remembering the day we first brought Zizi home. She was so energized then and full of life. My eyes started to water as I watched her mosey around the back yard slowly. Time had worn her spunk down to lethargy.

I let Zizi in, and then I lay down on the couch. Not far behind, Zizi jumped up on the couch and curled up on my lap. She was a beautiful pug; she had little chicken legs and a round and solid body. She had a smooched in face and a tightly curled tail. She looked like the runt of a litter. She was even-tempered and good-natured and just easy to live with. She fit our family perfectly. She greeted every individual with a fast wagging tail that shook her entire body. Even if our house were broken into, she would be the perfect behaved dog and greet the burglar with a friendly face.
Zizi and I were the best of comrades. My family referred to her as my shadow. Everywhere I went in the house she was right there with me. She would lie by my side while I worked on my homework. She would watch television and movies with me. Even when I was having a bad day and no one wanted to be around me, she would cheer me up.

My family decided to move when I was in seventh grade, and it was a hard time for my entire family. We lived in an apartment far away from all my friends. I spent many nights home alone. I started at a new school in eighth grade where I knew no one. I would cry myself to sleep many nights, and Zizi would always be there right beside me comforting me. The move took a great toll on me emotionally, but Zizi was the glue that held me together through the rocky times. I had a hard time talking to anyone, even my own parents, but Zizi was always there. She would look at me with those intimate eyes absorbing every word I spoke and seeming to feel my frustrations and pain. When worn from life, Zizi was always by my side to give me hope and to feel loved. Without Zizi, I would not have made it through all my rough years of middle school and high school.

When I would leave for school in the morning, I would hear her whine and cry as I walked out the door. She would watch me leave through the window. Every day when I returned from school, she would be watching and waiting, looking for me out of the window and ready to love and be loved. When I would be up late typing up papers, she would sleep on my lap as I worked. She was delightfully peaceful and calm and loved everyone.

I rubbed Zizi’s ears and her eyes shut in comfort. As I stroked her back my heart was then burdened with sadness. Zizi had developed back problems with her old age. It tore my heart to know that she was in pain. My mom walked over to me and sat down. She told me that she decided that today was the day we would be putting Zizi to sleep. Some part of me wanted to yell out no, but I knew it was the right thing to do. It would be cruel to allow her to live, as her pain grows worse daily. My mom asked me if I wanted to go to the vet with Zizi, and her and I knew I could only say yes. Mom whispered that we were going to be leaving in a half an hour.

I held Zizi close in those next few minutes as if they were the last moments of my own life. I could not believe what was going to happen. It was incomprehensible to me. This was my best buddy, my little angel that watched over me. I held back my emotions and forced myself to enjoy the moments I had left with her. I patted her till she was totally relaxed.

Before I knew it, we were in the car. Zizi was sitting on my lap and looking out the window oblivious to what we were driving closer and closer to. My mom and I sat silent the entire ride. As the car moved forward every second I wished we were driving in the other direction. My body started to tremble and I forced myself to stop. I did not want Zizi to know how I was feeling. I glanced at my mom. Her normal upright poster was now slumped and her face was full of sadness. I felt anger bubble in my stomach. I did not want to let go of my best friend. My entire family had always joked that Zizi and I were inseparable, and now we were going to be torn apart forever. Zizi leaned up against my chest and I kissed her forehead. She stared up at me with her familiar trusting stare, and I clenched my teeth.

My mom pulled into the parking lot, and I rapped my arms around Zizi tight. As we parked I kissed her silky smooth head a few more times. I sat there frozen, not wanting to move. I forced myself out of the car and carried her into the building. We sat in the veterinarian’s waiting room with Zizi lying on my lap. All the individuals around us were sitting happily with their pets. I felt so envious of them. My heart was beating so fast, and my head started to ache. I closed my eyes and pictured our last summer days.

I was laying in our back yard in the grass. Zizi waddled over to me overjoyed and wagging her curled tail. She sniffed my hair and sneezed in my face. I laughed and grabbed her and placed her on my chest. She looked down on me and rested her chin upon my heart. I tied my arms around her and said "I’m never gonna let you go!" The hot sun tickled our combined skin and warmed our souls.

"Zizi!" the nurse shouted behind the desk as she brought me back to reality. It was our turn and we walked into a cold white room, and I placed Zizi on the cold table. At this moment I could tell she was very uncomfortable. I rubbed her ear just as she liked, and gave her a treat. She wagged her tail and I felt my heart collapse. The nurse brought in a little towel and placed it on the table under Zizi. That little gesture meant so much. Zizi’s little body settled down on the little towel of warmth.

As the vet explained what the procedure was, Zizi stared up at me for reassurance that everything was going to be okay. My mom held Zizi on top of the counter as the veterinarian administered the shot in the back of her leg. I stood in front of Zizi looking into her eyes and petting her. It only took about fifteen seconds to take Zizi from us and I prayed to God that she did not feel any more pain. Before I knew it, she was laying on that little towel, with her eyes closed right in front of me. The veterinarian gave us a few moments alone. I kissed her head one last time and stroked her silky coat. I realized then that I would never see her big beautiful brown eyes looking at me ever again. I was only happy that she was able to see a loving face as she passed away.

My mom and I stood there in shock for over five minutes, and suddenly, the nurse interrupted our silence. She appeared puzzled to find us still occupying their only room. We were given extended time as we came to realization of what had taken place. My legs were like the roots of a tree, unwilling to be moved. My mom had to ply me from my staggered stance in front of Zizi. I held back the tears that were screaming inside. My head grew hot and I grew oblivious to all my surroundings. As we left and I closed the door behind me I felt as if I had left a part of myself in that room. We strode across the waiting room as fast as our legs would travel. The stares of onlookers were blurred and smeared like a painting. I wanted to cry so much but I held it in as my mom started to sob uncontrollably.

I drove her home without saying a word. I will never forget my mom’s eyes. They were stained red and there was not a part of her face that a tear had not touched. My lips trembled the rest of the way home but I would not unfold. When we got home I went to my room laid on my bed. All my memories of Zizi came flooding into my mind and soon the tears were let loose. I laid in the bed that same bed Zizi and I had slept in so many nights before and everything had changed. It now was ice cold and the peace that was once built had disappeared. I cried until I could no more.

That day was a great loss to my family and me. I did the hardest thing I have ever done and that is to let go of someone I truly loved. It has taken time for me to be able to go on each day without her. I miss her on the good days and the bad. I keep her in my heart always and I am indebted to her for eternity. She showed me a pure love that does not judge and is unconditional. She has been the greatest blessing in my life. She had been there for me through all the good times and the bad and never asked for anything in return. As corny as it might sound, she has taught me to be a better person. To not judge others and to just be there for others when they are in pain. She never said a word, but all the moments we had together are priceless, and I would have never wanted to spend it anywhere else.