Losing someone...

You go throught it like you do everything else. You love someone so deeply. And then they are gone. Like day into night. Only one person in my whole life knew me inside and out. My moods, emotions, behaviour, loves and life experiences.

When I was growing up. I was labeled "daddy's girl". My mother and my sister were alot a like. They were very close. So I got to be the daddy's girl. My dad and I have a great relationahip. I love him very much. In my heart I wanted to be close to mom too. I just couldn't get in.


I couldn't compare to my sister. In my mothers eyes at least. My sister and I are very close. I love her dearly. My mother and I argued. Alot. I remember her always dumping me for my sister. All my sister had to do was mention she had this coming up or she was invited to do that. Plans that my mother and I had made were out the window. Everytime.

After I was married, my relationship with my mom did evolve a little. We still had those moments when someone else needed her and my plans with her were dismissed. I finally decided to get used to it.

After my boys were born, and I moved out of state, was when my mom realized that something in our relationship wasn't right. Well me being me just listened and I decided to be the bigger person and move on. You know grow.

I missed her and I did love her. I think at times I was jealous of the relationship that she and my sister had. I so much wanted her to accept me and put me first. Being the older daughter and all.

My mom started having these physical problems and we all realized that something wasn't right. She had been diagnosed with several diseases that were not terminal. All wrong. After my third child was born, we found out that she had ALS. All of the sudden, anything that resembled anger, hurt and every other negative emotion my mother and I had between us faded. It didnt matter anymore. All I wanted was for her not to be sick. I needed her in my life.

Now every kind of emotion that you can feel I felt. Every single day was like something from a sad movie that Lifetime makes. My emotions were ripped. For two years I traveled to see her. Miles upon miles of crying, hoping, praying for a miracle from God. Now since he did so many. I wanted to know where my miracle was. Devastation had begun to creep in. I was angry with God. Why her. There are so many people out there who are not good people. But then as soon as that entered my mind. I realized something. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Or any family.

At that point, I made a deal with God. OK. I know that she will be with you. But no pain please. This is a cruel disease. You have all of your wits about you. Your body just stops working. Your nerves cant send those little messages to your brain to make your limbs move. Your muscles dont get the movement, excercise that they need. So they just lay there. Deteriorate. You feel like you could run a marathon, but nothing moves. Just watch the whole world go about it's own business and you lay there. Day after day. Just like someone paralyzed.

Cruel. There were times when my heart hurt so bad for her that I couldn't breath. I had to drive down to the funeral. My whole family got to see her in the casket the day before. She wanted to be cremated. We got there 40 mintues before the service and I walked toward it. The place where she lay. So petite, small and still beautiful. I wanted to shout OUT LOUD. "Mom please get up and argue with me. I need you and I love you. Why are you always trying to hurt me. Just stop it."

Of course I cried. Not loud. Not uncontrolable, but nonetheless. I had a tear stained face. My heart was for the moment holding in pain. Hurt and an emptiness I had never in my life felt. I miss you still. And I love you still. But you are in a place where you are walking. And for that I am grateful!