The North Uist Blogging Championships

The 2006 North Uist
Spring Equinoctial Blogging
Championships
By
Ian MacGinty
(Chairman)

Well, ah finally managed tae get a ferry across the straits ti the mainland o` Bonnie Scotland tae get tae a proper café thit hud an internet connection. Man, the wither the past few days!! A’ the phone lines’re doon in the Ooter Hebrides at the mae, ‘n’ ah’ve jist nae bin able to update the world aboot the great goin’s on ower yonder aboot thon Bloggin’ Championships! Well, Ah’ll fair dae ma best noo ah’ve got this wee computer thingumyjig fer the next twunty five minits ‘n a free cup o coffee tae boot! In’t it grand, modern technolorgy!

Well, it gaes wi’oot sayin’, an’ Ah still cannae quite believe it masel’, but it seems thit maist o’ the world dinnae ken thit oot here in the Hebrides, ‘Bloggin’’ uctually means blockin’ up yer ain privy wi’ a guid solid shite! O’ course, we’ve been daein’ that fer over fifty years oot here, n’ actually turned it intae a sport in order tae keep oorsel’s untertained ower the fearsum winter months, culminatin’ in the climax of the Spring Equinoctial Championships, whur North Uist and South Uist geet the gither here on Benbecula n’ show whit they’re made uf, liturally!

This year, as in uvery year, the contestants gathered thegither aroon Ol’ Sheep Jack’s outside WC, picked straws tae see who gaes first, n’ then did their damndest tae squeeze oot as huge and sturdy enough load tae block the thing up. Last year, o’ cairse, the title wus won for the eighth year runnin’ by Tommy McPhergusan the neep farmer, who blogged the privy sae firmly it took four men tae pull the plunger oot. But thus time it went a bit awry fer puir Tommy, as he happened tae put his back oot the night before the event leavin’ the title wide open fer any o’ the ither three.

First up tae grip the bloggin’ post wuz Alastair McGowen, who’s great uncle Jock wuz n’ still is the unbeaten ten year holder uf the Bloggin’ cup fae ’75 tae ’85. He went in n’ dud ‘is best, but even though it wus prime bloggin time ( 8 o’clock in the mornin’ ) he jis couldnae perform up tae standard and emerged wi a red face ( redder n’ usual ) cuz he kent fine well he’d put his great uncle Jock tae shame n’ wid probably face a a few hits o the birch once he got hame. Stull, ther’s nae mercy in this game – we tak it aye serious oot here.

Next wuz masel’, an’ Ah wuz ready an’ wullin’. Ah’d trained hard o’ wunter, eatin’ nothing but neeps n mushrooms washed doon wi a pint o Guinness. An’ Ah’m quite a big man fer ma size, even if ah do say masel`. So there ah wuz, grippin the bloggin’ post n settlin doon fer the squat, when all uf a sudden Ol Sheep Jack’s tractor backfired n’ pit me well off ma game. Disappointment, but whit can ah say. It shot oot like wee rabbit pellets.

Lastly wuz Wee Jimmy Pearson, a newcomer fae the ooter islands, an Ah’ll tell ye, he wuznae much tae look at. I huf tae say, I hud tae stifle a wee grin when he came intae the post office tae sign up. But fair dues tae ‘um, cuz ‘e went in there despite the jokes n the laughs, ‘n fae the hoolin’ ‘n gruntin’ it fair sounded like ‘e wuz arm-wrestlin’ wi’ the like o’ Geoff Capes ‘umsel’. He came oot wi o’ the veins in his hied stickin’ oot but wi’ a grin that almost took up his whole face. When we o’ looked in the door we wuz shocked. Ah`d niver seen such a monster! It was almost half the man’s size, Ah’m telling ye! An’ no matter hoo many buckets o watter we threw at it it jist widnae budge! An’ If it’s still there next Spring we might huf tae change venues.

So. There you’se have it. The title o’ this year’s 2006 North Uist
Spring Equinoctial Blogging Championships gaes tae Wee Jimmy Pearson. Well done wee man!

An’ it jist goes tae show, duntit? Ye cannae judge a book by it’s cover.