Short Stories

There once was a little bear named Tobias T. Monk. TT Monk loved the outdoors, his house resting in woodland, where he would indeed defecate. Many an interesting time was spent in the Bear Pub where they would say to each other 'do bears sh@t in the woods?' whereupon there would be gales of laughter and much merriment.

One day TT Monk was awoken by a loud rapping at his door. Opening the door bleary eyed and hung over, a salesman greeted him and within only twelve hours had persuaded TT Monk to purchase 'plumbing'.

TT Monk was very impressed. He could remain in his house on those cold winter evenings, and his waste was flushed away leaving his house nice and clean. Everything seemed brilliant with this ‘plumbing’.

Then one day TT Monk went to the Bear Pub. As per normal they all got jolly drunk until it got around to the very pissed joke stage. A bear turned to TT Monk and asked 'do bears sh@t in the woods?' with the punch line hanging in the air before the inevitable and tedious bout of laughter and back slapping; it was just enough time for TT Monk to say 'no'.

The moral of this story is that bears may indeed 'sh@t in the woods', but only if they lack indoor toilets.

Vegetable

Once upon a time there was a little vegetable named Roger. He grew up in a field and then one day, an evil man plucked him out of the ground and sold him to Asda. Then he was bought by a vegetarian, who boiled Roger until he died. Whereupon the vegetarian ate Roger, until there was nothing left.

The moral of this story is: Vegetarians are evil.
Once upon a time, a small turnip named Ronald B. Eishenhower was sitting up to his neck in dirt (which is the usual position for turnips). It was a balmy summers day midst his other turnip friends who chatted animatedly about the important matters of the turnip world; was there enough water; was it going to be a cold old winter? And so on and so forth. So it came as something of a shock when a small dog turned up and lifting a leg, urinated all over Romald B. Eishenhower's head. 'Bugger!', said Ronald B. Eishenhower.

The End

Ipswich Building Society

Chapter One: The Reorganisation Of Jam Within The Company

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The following Ipswich Building Society Codes have been augmented with jam. If you have any problems with you’re jam augmentation, do not substitute the aforementioned jam with a lesser product such as; a) Elephant, b) Oak, c) The Gulf War (Part One), or d) existential uncertainty. If you are ever offered such products, turn to Appendix A, Subsection B, for actions to be taken.

Appendix A

Subsection A

If this ever occurs, Tony Blair should be then firmly smacked around the face with your free herring (if your copy of ‘Jam through The Ages’ does not come with a herring, return to your local Newsagent and buy a packet of cigarettes and develop an addiction.)

Subsection B

When offered Elephant, return the elephant to it’s nearest natural habitat. If you live in Eastbourne, the nearest natural habitat can be found at Mrs Hoggins Bed & Breakfast, in the broom cupboard next to the ironing board.

If you live anywhere else, mention this to no-one but Cabinet Ministers. If you are unfortunate enough not to know a Cabinet Minister, order one for the special discount price of £6.66! Yes, that’s right, £6.66!

REMEMBER: Careless talk costs lives!

For Oak, see elephant.

If offered The Gulf War (Part One), exchange in part for the Gulf War (Part Two) with behind the scenes footage of ‘jam: the real cause of the Gulf War’.

Subsection C

The British Empire infact conquered the York City Centre toilets in 1998. Colonel Tim Washin-Pot received the VC and full marks for reciting the alphabet three hundred times whilst under heavy enemy shelling.

Private Kenny Smith was sent to bed without his tea, for forgetting his gym kit.