A Day In The Office

The Day In The Office

Chapter One


John Goldsmith tiredly looked down at the excel sheet in front of him;


It was going to be another tedious day in the office; with the tea that tasted of cat pee; with the same bored ugly people gossiping about what they had for breakfast; with the endless process of work that occupied not an iota of John’s interest.

Then SMASH!

An enormous lion crashed through the grubbily washed office window! John was completely taken by surprise – they were four floors up. What to do? He’d never encountered a lion before. Johns’ instincts took over. Unfortunately, he’d been brought up in Dagenham, so his instincts were to go home and put the kettle on. If he’d been a masai warrior from Kenya, his instincts for confronting a lion would have been top notch. But he wasn’t. So he was stuffed.

Without a moment’s hesitation, John ducked under the desk. Perfect! Well, it would have been perfect if something was about to fall on him. But this was a lion, and it could get under the desk with him. If it did, what would it do? Offer him a cup of tea? Start a debate about the unfeasibility of the laissez faire trade system?

John realised this line of thinking was getting him nowhere. What had he seen on TV? He had an inkling that Lions weren’t vegetarian. Maybe he could tame it? But that would mean a process of thousands of years to curb its’ wilder excesses, and it would have ended with a cat named Tabatha. Time was pressing (how does time press, exactly?): he had a second or two. Could he fit a few thousand years into a few seconds? No!

A Day In The Office

Chapter 2

The lion looked ferocious. Not only that: it was. John looked terrified. Not only that: he was. The animal roared. John dithered a bit under his desk. At that moment a naked lady ran through the office. At the critical moment, John fainted. Damn his cowardly soul, he thought later as he was stretchered to an ambulance. He’d really wanted to see what the lion did next. Now he would never know. But we will, dear reader, because I’m the writer and can create whatever I like.

The lion leapt into the air, about to pounce on the naked lady. She screamed. It was freezing. Just then, a Frisbee flew through the smashed open window and hit the lion in the head, knocking him out. This was thrown by the world champion Frisbee Thrower, Roger McPlop, with such force that this is why the lion was knocked out.

‘Der’s a ting ya don’t offen see’, said a passing Irishman, who passed. He’d never passed anything in his life, so he was happy right up until he died , having failed at everything up to that momentous moment; his exams; his wedding; even giving birth, which he’d never done, but knew deep down that if he had given birth a shot, he would have failed.

A Day In The Office

Chapter Three

Sergeant McDoyle stared down the barrel of the gun. In this case it was up it to a hand that was holding it. Holding the hand was an arm, which was being held by a body that was known as Father O’Brien. It was, infact, an extract from Puckoon violently crossed over with Dirty Harry. No one knows what Puckoon is, so the whole thing’s pointless. Anyway, it was all a hilarious mix-up which ended up with the bunny getting shot. Sometimes Disney gets it wrong.

Meanwhile, back in the office, a troupe of French chorus girls had become momentarily disorientated, and was can-canning through the central aisle of the room. A bemused security guard with a thin nasal voice stepped up to the lead dancer, ‘Excuse me.’ The high kicking continued. ‘Excuse me, can I see your passes please’. Still they kicked. ‘If you’re not an employee of N*rw*ch Un*on, I’m afraid I shall have to escort you from the premises’.

The troupe of insane French delusionist dancers high kicked their way out of the building under security guard. The thin nasal voiced guard stood ram-rod stiff at the door, his chest swelled with pride that he had managed to fend off an entire encore of the can-can. Then realisation hit him. He’d evicted twenty beautiful French girls from the building, whom he would probably never see again. He broke down in tears, his pride as a security guard swamped by his inability to meet anyone.

Sergeant McDoyle hesitantly spoke. ‘Fadder, that definitely put the fear o’ God in me’, he whimpered and vowed never to offend the priest again. Father O’Brien put the safety back on and holstered the gun. ‘Good, now you say communion like everybody else’, for he was devout. Not only that, he was Irish. Not only that, his favourite colour was blue and his favourite sport was rugby. He also liked flowers and the works of L P Hartley. Which goes to show what you can be interested in, if you really try.

About this time, John Goldsmith was released from hospital. His offence had been to suddenly and undeniably attain unconsciousness. He had a note from the Doctor which read, ‘Despite our best attempts, this man has survived hospital and can now go free.’ What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Nietzsche had said that, and he’s now dead. Because what kills you kills you. Which goes to show how useful philosophy is. He also claimed that God is dead. God seems to have won.

A Day In The Office

Chapter Four

In the local school, the teacher stood up in her bullet proof vest. Class C6/19 (Young Offenders and Rehab Outpatients Class) came to a mess.