Stream of Conscious Chaos

I.

Stop trying to reach me
Stop telling me you care
Stop asking what's the matter
You can't make me listen to another one of your words

I don't want your pity
I'm not asking for your false sympathies
Don't tell me you know what I'm going through
Damn your lack of understanding

I can't turn down the stream of consciousness
My own thoughts are driving me mad
I have to make a choice between the sadness
And the chaos that can fill its void

Take away my understanding
Rid me of thoughts of now and then
My senses live through my trembling skin
The burning eyes, the scattered vision

I don't think I can create expression
Numb shock seems the only face I can make
Nervous fear, the cause unknown
Haunts me, hunts me, traps me

I feel so self-destructive
I just want to make it end
The things I see hold no meaning
Sounds cause nothing but irritation

The power to stop thinking
Seems like an unreachable joy
Even my dreams are marred
By the chaos that surges in my mind

I know, I've heard, I've endlessly been told
Self-control can solve it all
If I would only care to try
I could make it all disappear

But I think that if my cure
Was in reach across the table
I would not stretch out my hand
To take it

A corner of my mind
Still trying to reach out
Confessing for a moment
The insanity in my head

Immediately regretting
The action which I took
As meaningless advice is poured
Pounding at a skull that's already too full

Stop telling me about your successes
Stop trying to get me to do things as you do
You only think you can understand
the depth of the chaos, different from yours in every way

Just leave me alone
In my darkness
So I can await the rising
Of another worthless day

II.

I wonder if when I am calmer
I will regret these hasty words
Penned in anger
And frustration

The next moment I am happy
Will I remember what its like
To be caught up in nothing
And trapped by my own mind

Usually I think I'm happy
Could it be I just pretend
Acting out the game of life
As I think I need to do to mend

I like to forget I ever fall
I like to act as if things are fine
I always dream I can stay
At the very top of this competition

But I guess we need the crashes
As hard as they can be
To make us value our climbs
And realize their importance

At least that's what I'm told
By the people that surround me
Still I wish that I could keep moving up
And never have to follow the spiral down.