Wester's Soliloquoy

From the perspective of Andrew J. Wester

I find it sad how empty the world is.

It’s a hard, cruel place.

It’s hollow.

I think I felt it more profoundly than other men. I did not see the colors, the rainbow hues that so many songs had been written about. I saw only a sky that was gray with clouds and shadows, and the grass was always washed out and faded. Cities were cold and sterile, a solid slate gray that held only the dying.

My rivers were always red with blood.

I saw only hard shades of black and red and gray.

Every touch was sharp and cold, and the hollowness of it all cut through me with harsher precision than any blade.

I did not feel the warmth or the compassion in a human touch. I had felt cruelty and pain and horrid abuse that had bruised my skin. Everything that touched me seemed only cold and vicious. I had never truly felt what it was to love or be loved.

It wasn’t that I was incapable of it. I knew a man once who was like that.

He felt nothing at all.

I had watched him, as his back was torn open by demon claws. He had bled upon the dark and gray grasses, and yet his eyes had been only cold and empty. He acknowledged nothing of hurt or of fear.

Yet he also felt nothing of joy.

He had been dying, and he had still felt nothing. In some ways, I envied him.

It was different with me. I could feel just as easily as anyone. I could feel pain and joy and sorrow. I had laughed and I had been happy once. I had found pleasure in small things, and I had once been so full of hope for the human race. I had been so naïve, and that made the present all the more bitter.

I had cried before, and I had watched as those I cared for the most were cut down, raped and slaughtered by their own race.

I had been torn apart and watched as crimson rivers of blood escaped from my own skin.

There was so much pain to be had, and I had felt my own share of it.

I had died once.

Yet in the end, I saw nothing in this world but emptiness.

The world to me was just a hollow and cold shell of wasted emotions and wasted dreams.

There’s nothing good or holy or pure left about the human race. I tried to have faith once. I tried to believe that maybe the world could change and maybe I could see something besides my own blood and the blood of my friends and the shadow humanity has cast on itself.

It took a long time until I realized that I never would.

The human race is flawed.

It always has been. Ever since the dawn of time, men have been destroyers and murderers. Men have killed each other in the name of petty emotions, and killers have walked away with blood on their hands, still not feeling the guilt from it.

I remembered reading the teachings of Carl Rogers during one psychology class.

He believed that humans are inherently good.

He believed that everyone was born with potential.

He was wrong.

Humanity will always be flawed.

People try to believe in concepts like civilization and peace.

They want to believe that there’s something about the race worth saving.

But those concepts don’t exist. They are dreams thought up by lunatics who can’t see that the world is a lie. Humanity wears a mask to hide the horrid destructive nature of the entire flawed species. Civilization is a word used to hide the fact that within every human is a demon just waiting to get out.

I used to fight demons.

I used to believe that I could somehow make the world a better place.

I believed that if I killed them, then maybe it would stop all the suffering and pain. I hated seeing only gray and black when I should have seen radiance and color. I tried to hope that somehow killing the demons would grant me my own peace.

I wanted to save the world.

The demons were real. Most people don’t realize it, but I learned that truth at an early age.

They are exactly what people believe them to be. They thrive off death and blood, pain and fear. They enjoy it.

It was a long time until I learned the hardest truth of all.

Humans are worse.

At least the demons know what they are.

Humanity is a lie, and in the end, it’s men who will bring the world to its knees.

It’s humanity that feeds the demons. It’s humanity that causes the death and pain and suffering.

I’m tired of it.

I’m tired of everything.

I’m tired of wearing this mask and pretending that everything is fine and that the world isn’t the empty wasted shell of abuse and horrors. I’m tired of seeing the lost and dirty faces of children, while politics and missiles explode over our heads.

I’m tired of seeing only gray.

It has to end.

Every great civilization has fallen at the peak of its power.

It’s time for the race of men to come to an end.

Even if I have to do it myself.

Alone.