Hook, Line, Sinker...

“Hey, I think I got one!” Jeff yelled as he pulled on his reel. He’d seen it jerking earlier, and once it got really intense he hopped off the bench and tried to hook the fish. He continued to fight, pulling and reeling in ever so smoothly, he was a good fisherman. Mick hurried his way over to see what Jeff had hooked, but Jeff lost it just as he’d gotten there. “Dammit!” Jeff yelled.

Mick laughed wildly. “You should have seen the look on your face! You thought you had the son of a bitch!”

Jeff laughed with him. “Shut up you asshole!” he shouted laughing. He sank to the ground with his hands over his face, still chuckling. He wiped the sweat from his forehead. He continued to sit, laughing to himself. “I thought I had ‘im.”

Mick was smiling. “Well you did there for a minute. But he got the best of ya.”

“I know it,” Jeff said. “I’m just not the man I once was.”

They looked at each other and laughed still. As Mick was laughing he turned to see his reel nearly being pulled into the water. “Oh shit!” he cried as he ran over to it. Jeff followed and cheered him on as he tried to pull the fish ashore. Surprisingly it wasn’t too difficult to get out of the water, it was only a crab. Jeff slapped his thigh and pointed at it. “It’s a god damned crab!” he yelled. Mick looked at it. He felt like throwing something at it. He set down his pole, the hook still in the crab’s mouth, and walked to the cooler to get a beer. He cracked it open and took a swig, and suddenly heard something.

“Did you hear that Jeff?” he asked, he wasn’t sure what it was. It sounded like a yelp or something.

“No, I didn’t hear anything.”

“Get this hook out of my mouth asshole!” Mick heard in the distance. He turned to Jeff.

“What did you say?”

Jeff looked at him. “Nothing,” he said puzzled.

“It’s me! Get this god damned hook out of my mouth!” It was now that Mick realized the crab was the one doing the talking. It spit the hook out, “Damn! Fuckin dickhead! What are you thinking!? I’m not going around sticking shit in your mouth!”

Jeff and Mick stared at the crab, and then at each other. They were completely awestruck. “Did you…hear that?” Jeff asked. “I wanna know if I’m the only…”
“No I heard it,” Mick interrupted. “I heard the crab umm…” he was embarrassed. “Talk.”

“What the hell is your problem!? Get me back in the water dammit! My ass is dryer than your mother’s vagina up here!” The crab shouted. He was really angry. He started to hobble back toward the break wall. “Fine, if you shmucks won’t help me I’ll drag my ass into the water on my own! Good for nothing bunch of alcheys! That all you do? Drink beer and kill marine life? Someone has a little dick!” he shouted as he walked toward the water. Then he begab grumbling to himself. “Bunch of alcoholics, that’s all you are! Assert your manhood by hooking a helpless crab,” he began yelling at them again. “Someone’s compensating for something! Maybe a little dick! You gotta pick on a little god damned crab! You pieces of shit!” He got to the break wall and stood in the sun. “Damn it’s DRY UP HERE!!!! AHHHHH!!!!” he shouted.

Jeff and Mick continued to stare. They couldn’t believe they’d found a talking crab. Finally it hit Jeff, this thing was worth oodles of cash. He snapped out of his daze and ran over to block it from jumping into the water.

“Hey! What the hell are you doing? Get out of my way you six foot tower of ghonnerhea crust! If you don’t move your ass I’ll clap your dick for ya!” he yelled snapping his pincers.

“You’re not going anywhere little man,” Jeff said to him. “You’re going to make us a lot of money!”

“Bullshit you cock dusting French fried faggot! My ass’ll be in that water quicker than the time it takes your dad to blow his load into that whore you call ‘mother’,” he said laughing. He began to walk under Jeff’s legs. “You just stand there and whack off or something, put that modicum of skin you call a pecker to good use.”

Jeff put a net over him and picked him up. “Boy Mick. He’s got a little mouth on ‘im too.”

The crab flailed in the net. “Get me out of this thing you son of a bitch!”

Jeff brought him over to the bench and set him down on it. The crab crawled out of the net and sat cursing. Mick watched him, it was quite amusing. "Hey buddy!" the crab yelled to him. Mick continued to stare at him, saying nothing. The crab turned back to Jeff. "What's wrong with your friend? He come in with the latest shipment of deaf/dumb retards or what?" The crab asked pointing at Mick with one of his pincers.

"He really does have a little potty mouth," Mick said laughing. "I kinda like 'im"

"Well why don't you make yourself useful and pour some water on me! Jesus it's hot up here! Who the hell would want to sit under the sun all god damned day?!"

Mick walked over and poured his can of beer on him. This really pissed the crab off. "That okay?"

"No you asshole mongrel! Beer has salt in it, I wanna fuckin' lube up not bubble like a god damned snail! Unlike you low forms of dog shit I actually can survive twenty seconds without a god damned can of booze! Now pour some water on me before I shove my antenna up your peehole!"

Mick walked to the cooler and grabbed a bottle of water. He opened it and dumped it on the crab. The crab made orgasmic noised of pleasure as Mick emptied the last few drops. "Thanks pal, you're not all bad. I guess between all the dead meat and human excrement there lies one or two useful brain cells."

"Well...you're welcome...I guess."

Jeff sat down next to it. It got really defensive. "Look crabby, we don't wanna hurt you. We're just interested in the thing you do that...other crabs can't uhh...you know...do."

The crab jumped on this statement. "Tell me about it! Those jackholes down there are as useful in a conversation as a midgit on the god damned pole vault team! I try to talk, you know, strike one up, but all I get is a blank stare and a soiled diaper!"

The two men looked at each other. "oooookay...well, I was saying, I think you can make me and Mick here a lot of money, just by talking to some people."

The crab sarcastically rhetorted. "Oh whooptadee fucking do! I can make you two assholes a lot of money huh? Now you tell me how the FUCK that's supposed to benefit me! You guys can help me too! Go catch me a little blue-backed whore so I can jab her in her asshole a couple of times!" he crawled into some shade provided by a nearby palm tree on the bench, "Selfish pricks," he mumbled to himself.

"What's in it for you is that we won't throw your ass in a pot of boiling water!" Jeff yelled. "We'll getcha a nice big tank, all you gotta do is..."

"Go ahead! Throw me in boiling water! I don't give a good god damn! Anything's better than rotting in the god damned sun!" The crab yelled.

"Is it that hard to just prove to some rich guys that you can talk? You'll be at a zoo, they'll feed you, take care of you..."

"Oh boy! So tantalizing that offer is! Why don't I put my dick between my claws and snap it in two! Hell, that's a good idea! Boy, you guys really inspire me!" The crab hopped off the bench onto the grass. He started walking toward the water again. "See you in hell you human ejaculatory refuse bins! I'll tell the alligator you guys are around, I hear he gives good blow jobs!" he yelled..."Fuckin queers," he mumbled as he walked away.

Jeff ran up and blocked the crab from the water again. "I don't think you understand cheif, you don't have a choice."

"Fuck off dirtbag! Get out of my way or I'll pull your peter underneath your choad and fuck you in the ass with it!" The crab kept walking. Jeff tried to pick it up but it nearly snapped off his fingers. "Leave me alone!"

Jeff popped up laughing. "Did you see that? Little bastard nearly took my finger off!"

"Just leave him Jeff, he doesn't wanna come with us," Mick repled. Jeff slammed a bucket over the crab and walked toward Mick. They could both hear the muffled shouts of the crab.

"Mick are you nuts?" Jeff asked puzzled. "We capture this thing we can name our price! It'd be enough for you and me to never have to worry about goin to work again!"

"He doesn't wanna come with us Jeff! Besides, he's a little asshole, would you wanna listen to that all day?"

"I thought you said you liked him?"

"Not to spend more than fifteen minutes with! Look, I like my job, if I didn't have it I don't know what I would do all damn day."

"Think of that money Mick! No one's asking you to quit your job!"

"Suppose he never talks again? We catch him and he clams up for the rest of his life," Mick asked.

"Then we'll boil his ass!" Jeff said laughing maniacally.

"And you wouldn't feel an ounce of remorse boiling a natural phenomennon?"

"Hell no! Not if I don't get mine of of 'im!"

"Well...maybe we're going about it the wrong way Jeff, maybe we need to try and be his friend."

"Mick don't give me this tree-huggin hippie bullshit! Listen to the little prick! He's got a mouth filthier than Sam Kinneson!"

"Well he's pissed off!" Mick yelled.

"God damn right!" they heard the crab say from underneath the bucket.

"Think about it Jeff, if two people wanted to exploit something you did for money, and you got nothing for it, how eager yould you be?"

"So we have to barter with the little shit?"

"Why not? He's gonna make us some cash, why can't we give him a little something?" Mick said smiling.

"I hate to say it Mick but I think you may be right. Besides, money's no good to him, so whatever he needed wouldn't be that expensive would it?"

"Nah."

Jeff and Mick walked over to the bucket. The crab was still shouting as they lifted it up. Mick swiped him up with the net and brought him back to the bench. Jeff filled the bucket with a little bit of water and put the crab in it. "Now we're talkin!" the crab said. "I see you got retard Ronnie here to go along with your perverted little scheme," he said to Jeff.

"'Retard Ronnie' saved your ass from being boiled little man," Jeff replied.

"Huh...more reason to hate his guts. I was looking forward to it."

"Look, why don't you tell us what your name is buddy," Mick asked him.

"The name's 'Die', 'Eat shit and Die' you fucking butt pirate!" The crab said laughing. "What's your name sonny? Hold on, let me guess..."

"Will you shut the fuck up!" Jeff shouted. He uprooted a lump of grass and threw it into the bucket.

"Oh you got me! Grass! Damn! You could've killed me!" The crab shouted sarcastically. He began to chuckle as he spoke. "Boy this guy's downright cruel!" he said to Mick. "Call President Bush! We've got the axis of evil over here, committing mass genocide with...GRASS!!!" As soon as he said this he bursted into a giant guffaw.

Mick turned and looked at Jeff, he was laughing too. "I gotta admit, I think he's funny."

"Shut up!" Jeff siad turning away angrily. He walked over and leaned against the palm tree. Mick Stood over the bucket still.

The crab whispered. "Hey! Ronnie! You get chubby to high tail his ass outta here, and maybe we can make a deal...on whatever is is you want me to do."

Mick smiled looking down on him. "So you'd help us out if we helped you out?"

"Us...that guy over there's an asshole."

"Okay, what about me?"

"I dunno...I'm listening," the crab replied.

"Well, you can do something that no other animal can do..."

The crab interrupted. "What...I can?"

Mick looked dumbfounded. "Well...yeah. For starters you can uhh...talk."

"That's not that special. You can do it too," the crab said.

"Yeah but...you're a crab. I'm a human, I'm supposed to talk."

"Oh yeah I forgot, you guys don't know that we all can talk," the crab laughed. Jeff looked over but continued to stand against the tree. "Crabs can all talk, we just don't talk to humans, because you guys are assholes."

"What? You said earlier that you were the only crab that could talk!"

"No I didn't! You got it all wrong, I said they were a bunch of dumbasses. I talk to the alligator and some of the birds; the crabs, they kind of just jack off all day."

"What? Alligator? They eat crabs."

"What the hell do you know about what goes on down there? Boy, I'll trust the knowledge of marine life from a chimney sweep over a god damned crab who lives in water! I don't tell you who fucks your wife when you're not around do I?"

"But I've seen an alligator eat a crab before!" Mick shouted.

"Probably because the crab was poppin' his mouth off. You gotta really piss off a gator for that to happen, they're pretty laid back.

"Alligators are laid back?"

"Yeah shit for barins! Did I studder? What do you see an alligator do 90% of the time? Lay on his ass and get a sun tan. Those fuckers are lazier than you are in the sack."

"What's with all the lame sex insults?"

The crab shouted. "I'm burning up in here! All my good material has been baked out by the god damn sun!"

"So wait, you're saying that all animals can talk?"

"Well, I don't know if all of 'em can. The fish can't, they're too god damned stupid. Fish don't talk at all, hell, they can't do anything, that's why they always get eaten. But like I was saying, it's sort of an unwritten rule not to talk around humans. We want you assholes to think we're stupid, we like it that way."

"Well, what if I told everyone that?"

"Well, then you'd have to admit that you heard the inside information from a talking crab! You'd get thrown in the funny farm! I'm not as dumb as you look asshole."

"Well, how did you learn english, and furthermore, how do you know all of these things about sex, and pole vault and..."

"Same as you peckerhead, shit gets around."

"Okay, but you still never answered my question. What can we do to get you to go along with us and expose your verbal talents?"

"Nothing. I'm not interested anymore. I didn't know you wanted me to talk. I thought you wanted me to dance or somethin."

"Well, why won't you talk?"

"If I talked the secret would be out, and every animal on God's earth would want me dead. Some things you have to take to the grave brother. So go ahead and kill me, because if I leave this grass, my lips will be sealed forever."

Jeff walked back over. He looked down into the bucket, standing over the crouched Mick. "Well, made any progress?"

"Ronnie here was just telling me how deep your mom's cooch is!" The crab said laughing. "I heard the bitch can take a mean cock!"

Mick stood up. "He said we either let him go or boil him, cuz he's not talking."

Jeff leaned down to talk to the crab. "You mean to tell me you'd rather be thrown into a pot of 350 degree water than talk to other humans?"

"Yes, that's what I'm sayin asshole."

"Well...fuck it, let's kill him," Jeff said grabbing his things. "We'll take you to my house and boil your ass, maybe eat you in a soup or something."

"I'll make sure to take a fat shit in the water, that way at least someone will be eating shit while I'm dying!" The crab shouted.

Jeff laughed and went to grab the bucket, but Mick stopped him. Mick took the bucket himself. "You can't do that Jeff. I caught him, he's legally mine, and I'm throwing him back."

Jeff stopped and laughed again. He looked enthralled by Mick's stupid idea. "Are you joking?"

"No I'm not. He's my catch, he doesn't want to come with us, and I don't want to kill him, so I'm going to throw him back."

"Yeah! Tell 'im Ronnie!" the crab yelled.

Jeff was taken back. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Mick, it's a god damned crab. He'll probably just get eaten by an alligator or something, he's going to die anyway!"

"I'll god damned crab you you dog fucking inbred fudge packer!" The crab shouted.

"I don't care Jeff, I don't want to kill him."

Jeff was serious now. "You listen to me Mick, I'm taking that crab, and if he don't talk then I'll boil his ass," he began to scream. "But you are NOT throwing him back in that water!"

The crab began shouting insults, but no one was listening to them. "Well, watch me go on and do it Jeff," Mick said smiling. Mick heaved the bucket but Jeff speared him before he could throw the crab back into the water. Mick dropped the bucket and the crab fell out onto the grass. Mick and Jeff wrestled on the ground as the crab made it's way toward the break wall to jump into the river. They both got off the ground and stared at each other ready to attack. Jeff could see the crab on the break wall ready to plunge in. Mick turned his head and saw it as well, he was blocking Jeff. "Well, it looks like he's going to the promiseland!" Mick said laughing.

"Farewell Assclowns!" The crab said vaulting in. Jeff tried to catch him but Mick moved in front of him as he was running. Jeff plowed into Mick, causing both of them to fall, Mick falling backward and Jeff falling forward onto him. Mick tumbled and did a backwards summersault, taking Jeff with him. As Mick was on his back he set his foot on Jeff's chest and pushed him forward, propelling him directly into the river. By this time the crab was long gone.

Mick was laughing. "Well, you can look for him in there if you want!"

Jeff sat in the water, it was only thigh deep. "Fuck off!" he yelled. Mick turned and walked away, flipping him off and laughing. Jeff stood up in the water, and heard something behind him.

"Hey asshole!" Jeff turned to find the crab, on top of a giant Florida gator's head. The gator smiled and growled.

"Jeff slowly moved back. "Whoa...easy big fella," he said very nervously. He looked at the crab, "I wouldn't have boiled you man, I was bluffing..."

The crab laughed. "Real funny!" He looked down at the alligator, and then up at Jeff. "Save it for St. Peter you needledicked butt-fucking asshole!"

The alligator lunged at him, and Jeff ran through the water pouting like a little girl. The crab laughed as he rode atop the alligator. The gator snapped it's jaws just after Jeff lept out of the water, He continued to run away screaming, all the while the crab and the alligator shared a hearty laugh.

"Run away you punk bitch!" The crab yelled. "You're lucky my friend here has a conscience asshole!"

Mick saw the whole thing, and laughed to himself as Jeff continued to run down the street, He wasn't going to fish with him again, he was sure of that.