For James

For James


“Alexis, stop!” I hear the voice of James, my best friend, calling to me. But I’m not in the mood for socialization. Today I failed my Chem. test, got dumped by my boyfriend of two years, spilled my lunch all over myself in the cafeteria, and tripped going down the hallway. And of course, when something like that happens, there is laughter. A lot of laughter. So I had a perfectly good reason to split so quickly after school. “What’s going on?” he asks, compassion evident in his voice.

I take a moment to compose myself, wiping at the tears that are cascading down my cheeks. Taking a deep breath, I turn around and arrange my face into a cheery smile. “Hey, sorry, I was thinking. Forgot where I was for a second.” He looks at me and laughs.

“That’s always happening to you, isn’t it?” He slips his arm in mine and walks down the road with me, dragging me home. On the front steps, he stops me. “I got this for you.” He takes my hand and drops something into it. It is cold and I shiver. I look down and see a beautiful gold locket. It is oval shaped with intricate swirls of silver running across the surface. On the inside there is a picture of James from last year on the class trip. He is smiling his huge smile and it seems to brighten the day. On the other side, there is a picture of me at the Homecoming dance. “You haven’t seen the best part.” He turns it over and shows me the inscription on the back. James and Alexis, Bests for life.

“Bests?” I look up at him and see a faint smile growing on his face.

“Well, ‘best friends’ took up too much space, so I compromised.” I reach up and hug him, giving him an extra squeeze. Just being near him makes me realize that I will always have one good friend, someone I will always be able to go to, for anything.


That was two weeks ago. Two weeks ago, everything was better. It wasn’t perfect yet, but it was just fine. Today it all changes. Today the balance shifts away from the happiness of the past to the shadows of the future. My sister picks me up from school. My car is in the shop and she can’t help taking the time to make fun of me, making it seem like I want to be cursed with her presence.

On the way home, we start talking about her boyfriend. She knows I broke up with mine not that long ago, but she likes putting salt in the wounds. She tells me he’s perfect and that they are in love.

“But you wouldn’t know anything about that. Nobody loves you. Never have, never will. You will grow up old and alone, wishing your life could have held some meaning. It never will. You aren’t beautiful, so that won’t get you anywhere. And those friends of yours? They only hang around you because they feel sorry for you.” I shake my head, trying to keep from hearing the words. She doesn’t know how often I think about this. Most nights are spent imagining things my friends could do, how they could desert me without a moment’s notice.

I get jerked out of my thoughts as we pull up to the house. I glance over at my sister and see the smirk on her face, the triumphant look. “You’re wrong!” I yell at her. She just looks at me with that superior look on her face.

“Denial, it’s the first stage. You just can’t admit it that you are a waste of oxygen and a waste of space.” I don’t listen to any more of her words, their truth ringing in my ears. The car door flings open and I launch myself out of my seat. I vaguely hear the car engine roar to life and tear down the street.

Up the stairs I run, tripping in my haste. Thunder rumbles overhead and rain is released in small sprinkles to fall to the earth below. In my room, I open the window and watch the rain fall on the leaves littering the yard. It has always soothed me, calmed me down. Now it just makes me feel restless. The cool breeze does nothing to stop the thoughts boiling inside.

“Hey stranger.” I look at the house next door and see James leaning out his window. Seeing him like this reminds me of the summer nights spent talking in a similar fashion. The nights were unforgiving in their heat, they had us scrambling out of bed and rushing to the window in search of someone else in the same predicament. We would lean out and have whispered conversations with each other, just a little over ten feet between us. It made us feel special that we had our own secret place, even if it was just a couple of windows.

I shake my head to rid myself of the memories and turn to look at him. His face is radiant as always. How is it that he is always happy? Nothing seems to touch him in his happy bubble. Instead, it all gets sent my way. “What’s wrong?” I don’t say anything; just continue to stare out at the rain. “Hello? Anybody at home in there?” I turn my gaze to his face and wonder if he can see the pain etched in each line.

“James, there is so much you don’t know. But that’s the way it’s going to have to stay.” I turn away from the window and walk down the hallway. The door to my dad’s room creaks as it swings open. Crossing to the closet, I shuffle through all the empty boxes until I find what I’m looking for. Its cold weight is heavy in my hand.

Trudging back to my room, I drop the box on the bed and pull out the end to my suffering. Empty chambers yawn up at me, inviting me to fill them. I slide each bullet in and love the sound they make when they strike the metal of the gun. I hear a yell in the distance, but think nothing of it, my mind focused on the task at hand. Loading the last bullet, I slide everything back into place.

Footsteps thunder on the stairs. I can’t let them get to me and ruin my plans. Walking to the door, I turn the lock, hoping to buy some time. The gun is where I left it, sitting on the table. The light glints off it, taunting me, telling me to get it over with.

A pounding comes from the other side of the door, followed by a voice, a familiar voice. “Alexis! Open the door! Don’t do this, there are other ways!” But even James’ voice isn’t enough to change my mind. I have to do this; it’s the only way to get out of this mess.

The pounding gets louder as I pick up the gun, almost as if he can see me. Time is short. Then the lock starts jiggling and I remember; he has a key. I gave it to him years ago, before things got so complicated, before my world decided to fall apart. And now he’s using it against me. I shake my head and position myself across from the door.

It swings open and James is suddenly there, taking up the full space. His eyes are wide, darting from the gun in my hands to my face and back again. I can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s afraid but it doesn’t matter anymore. All that matters is getting rid of the pain.
He moves toward me, slowly inching his way over, trying not to spook me. My grip tightens and I feel words form themselves in my throat. “What are you doing here?” He looks at me with sadness and fear plain on his face.

“I was walking past my window and saw your light on…and I saw the gun. I freaked out. I figured you were going to do something you would regret and I didn’t want to let that happen. I didn’t want to think about what you might do.” It’s a little too late to intervene I think to myself. I’m dead set on this. He can tell that he is getting nowhere with me and he lunges.

My grip on the gun tightens again. There is no way I’m letting it go, it’s the only way for me to get out of here. It soon becomes a game of tug of war, neither of us wanting to give up our hold. Suddenly a shot rings out and a body hits the floor.

I freeze in place as I watch James fall away from me. Time seems to stand still and all I can do is stare. A spot of red grows on his shirt. My mind goes numb. This can’t be happening. I’m supposed to be the one dying; I’m supposed to be the one in the most pain right now. Not him. He hasn’t done anything do deserve this.

His face starts to pale as his blood flows out, staining the floor. His breathing becomes uneven. Time speeds up and I rush to his side, holding his head in my lap. I brush hair away from his face, looking for a glimpse of those blue eyes one last time.

I choke on my tears, sobbing. “This is all my fault. This shouldn’t have happened. Why did you have to come in?” I start rocking back and forth, not knowing what to do. A thought travels across my consciousness…call 911. But I can’t focus on anything except the life flickering out in my hands. His eyes settle on my face and he seems confused by my tears.

He shakily moves his hand and touches the wound, grimacing as he sees his own blood. “Am I dying?” That’s all he says. I don’t know how to answer, my mind is blank, I can’t breathe. A look of comprehension flits across his face. “Oh.” His eyes close as he falls into a shocked silence; the only noise his ragged breathing.

The tears are pouring down my face now, mixing with his blood. As I rock back and forth, I lean down and rest my forehead against his; it’s cold. His eyes flutter open and blue meets green, locking. Clouds creep across their icy surface and they close. They don’t reopen. I open my mouth.

“I’m sorry,” is all that comes out as I feel his spirit slip away, feel his heartbeat slow, feel his body become still. I don’t know how long I sit there, time has no meaning. Eventually I stand up. Something has stirred inside me, a single will. I must not give in to others. It is only what they want and I can’t give them the satisfaction of hurting me again. I will never allow myself to appear weak to them. I must be strong. For James.