do you share my madness?

It was calculated. Very calculated. I planned it down to the last insignificant detail. Well, I couldn’t execute such a piece of cunning and wit, without first detailing it could I? Just the slightest hitch would have flawed my plan. But as it happens, and as you can see, it went like clockwork. Oh my… It was ingenious! The stealth… the intellect! To think that I could hatch such a plan- Me! I will be remembered for decades! Forever they will repeat my name- the one who triumphed.
Well it all began when I moved house. Did I tell you? I work…. well I worked in the city museum. After a few years, you tend to get sick of commuting ten miles a day. So when I noticed a house over the road was for sale, I jumped at the chance and made an offer at once.
February 9th I moved in. It was beautiful. No more than 10 years old with all the modern conveniences. The furnishings were all brand new. The tiles shined and the carpets were stainless. It was a dream. I was young and single, and I had an elegant four-bedroom semi to myself. Yes it was mine! Though… occasionally the domestic crises of my neighbour (ignorant fool) infringed upon my peace.
If history has taught us one thing my friend, it is that beauty is deceiving. Remember those wretched bitches in Greek mythology, whose beautiful song dragged men in to the depths of the sea? Ha! The fools thought they were strong and could resist. But all the time those harpies had their eyes fixed on their helpless souls. They watched. Oh yes they watched them intently. And they dreamed only of feasting upon their flesh.
I apologise- I have sidetracked from my tale. Well anyway, I had squeezed my entire life in to the back of a truck. We pulled up and I took out the first two suitcases. Upon my first… nay… second step I noticed something very odd indeed. I happened to step upon the manhole cover outside my house. And it tilted. Why so odd you ask? Well you didn’t see it! It was not just a feint slant but a full 20 degrees! Ah! And then I knew you see for I am not stupid! I knew they were down there. That is how they reached me… in the night. They knew I could not see them when I slept. But from that moment… I was on to them! They did not see then the strength and pure intellect that I possess! And yes I smile. Smile to recall that I was on to them that very second. Only someone as intelligent and quick witted as I could recognise such a clue. They could not fool me!
Well I held this in the back of my mind, watching constantly for the next week. I was alert. For you see, every morning before I crossed the road for work, I would survey the surrounding area, to check that the buggers weren’t waiting to pounce on me in my moment of vulnerability. And as I returned home at night, I would see to it that I left at the same time as the boss. Surely, they would not attack while a witness was present? In this way, I passed by weeks and they could not reach me.
Soon however… the issue of the manhole cover came back to mind. I knew that in the night, they could enter my house this way, through a window, or a crevice. They only need be out in the open for 5…10 seconds between exiting the manhole and entering my house. But once again, my marvellous mind produced a solution! I had noticed… for it annoyed me very much, that some neighbours thought it customary, to leave their rubbish bins out, not just on collection day, but all week. So I thought… what if I were to take up this practice? Except I would fill my bin to the top with bricks and place it directly over the manhole cover. Once again, a plan that Einstein himself could not top! Ha! I would have liked to see their faces… when they pushed up the cover… only to find that the way was blocked! I was always one step ahead and that’s how I won.
Then the next night, I sat upon my bed to consider the next strategy. The only way in which I would know how they were to next strike, was to get inside their heads. Think as if I were one of them. And so I thought. And at that moment ironically (what a mistake they made) the cretin next door and his monotonous wife once again began to row. There was shouting… screaming… and banging. Aha! The fools. They had chosen an advocate who drew far too much attention to himself. I knew it now… he was their spy. The irritating, self obsessed, delirious madman who lived next door. Yes they would choose someone so stupid. Because he would not know who they were and would not question the task set before him. He himself was not evil. For he knew not what he did, nor who for. He just obeyed mindlessly, for a little cash profit. But still, though my vendetta was not against him, he was their agent. And I had no choice but to dispose of him, lest he do me harm.
Well it is this point in the tale that I reveal to you the full extent of my cunning. For here, I execute my master plan. Was it wrong? I have always believed that killing is wrong- except in some situations; our ethical codes can abide these things. Nobody arrests the solider when he returns from war do they? Nor the woman who drives a knife into her rapist. So I felt…no… I feel… as though I was and am perfectly justified in my actions. And nothing you can try to say will convince me otherwise.
So I phoned in sick from work… meningitis I thought would buy me a week or two. And I sat every day at my bedroom window and watched the street below. Well this arduous task took me two weeks to perfect… but finally I compiled a documentary of his daily routine. He would leave for work every morning at 6.30 excluding weekends. He would return every day at around three. A whole hour before his wife returned home.
Now I had found a perfect time for my deed. All I needed was a method. A method… a method. Where was I to find one? Well I phoned the museum and told them that my meningitis had matured and that I would be away from work for at least two weeks. If not the foreseeable future. Not only was I hatching this marvellous plan… but I was receiving sick pay for it! God bless the welfare state!
So for the next two weeks I used every opportunity and method available to assess his territory. For several days, I would call round to the maggot’s house to “borrow” various household supplies. I would exploit the false benevolence of my host, to sit and receive cups of tea, and visit the bathroom as often as I could. I did this so that I could instead wonder around the house and survey it in detail. I found it ironic that the spy thought he had the upper hand over me. He took every opportunity to probe me for information… such as enquiring as to my present mood. No doubt, the information he procured was written down on some tattered notebook the second my back was turned.
After three days of this process, I believe my pursuer had all the information he needed, for he no longer permitted me to enter his house. Touché! I had all the information I needed on him! Ha! How he fought with a double-edged sword! He has stabbed himself in the back!
Anyway. In my studies, I had noted, that every day after he returned from work he would go straight up stairs to change, before making a cup of tea. So the stairs were to be my weapon, as they were the point both physically and in terms of time, where my victim would be most vulnerable. Now I sat at my desk, to draw plans and sketch diagrams. See, I was fully prepared!
The villain always left his back window open... for some form of ventilation purpose. So here was my chance. There was no time to waste. I needed to dispose of the creature. Before he disposed of me.
While he worked, I crept in to the empty house. I chuckled at the irony. Two of the “household items” I had asked to borrow… were a reel of fishing line… and a shiny new axe.. Do you see my plan now? No? Well I shall tell you. And Oh! It ran so smoothly!
I measured out a length of fishing line that was sufficient to span the breadth of his staircase…. and nailed one end to the wall. You still don’t see? Now all I had to do was wait… and the cupboard under the stairs was the perfect place.
At 2.57 I heard the front door open. My hearth thumped loudly… but all was ok. He didn’t hear it. I heard him shuffle around a little, as if hanging up his coat, or checking his appearance in the mirror. Then at last! I heard the first creaky footstep as he began the ascent to his end.
When I was satisfied that he was in his room, I quickly left my hiding place. Swiftly, I grabbed the loose end of the fishing line, and tied it around the adjacent banister. Oh the satisfaction! I knew it would all go my way now. Every thing had run so smoothly. And in a few minutes I would be safe! For I knew that after they had seen my cunning, they would not again dare chase me- the fiends.
So I went back into my cupboard. It was like a Venus flytrap, I waited to pounce. And I felt in that moment, much of the exhilaration that the warriors of old must have felt upon a sure victory… Napoleon… Caesar.
It was this adrenaline that pushed me out, axe in hand, of that cupboard as soon as I heard that clumsy thud. How I smiled! As I walked in upon that demon, as he writhed on his back in pain (much like an insect does).
Oh! And the fear as he saw me smile victoriously over his evil face. I will never forget that look in his eye so long as I live. It was the look of fear… and the total submission of a man on death row. How I smiled as he lay before me, jaw quivering, eyes watering. He lay before me and his plan… their plan… was foiled! For now I controlled him.
Well I couldn’t help but laugh as I drove that axe (his axe) through his face. Yes I smashed those hideous features. And I couldn’t help but smile as blood spurted from his eye sockets, and re- painted the walls in crimson.
But my joy, my real joy, came in the genius I used to hide the body. I had remembered that at the museum just before I left, a new Egyptology section had been opened. This included displays of many artefacts… including several empty sarcophagi. As I worked there…. I had the keys. And my street tends to be very quiet around midnight. Well I’ll leave the rest up to you to work out. But don’t you tell me that I don’t possess the mind of a prodigy!