A Brief Visit.

Characters:
Mike:, a man in his thirties.
Douglass:, a man in his thirties.
Mclean:, a man in his forties.

Notes about characters:
Douglass and Mclean should both be dressed officiously, black and white suits and so on. Not in such a cartoonish manner that they look like something out of Men in Black, but just so that it is obvious from their dress that they wield power. They should also be bulky, and seem physically imposing – Douglass in particular.

Notes about the set:
All the action takes place in a single room a generic looking flat. There has to be a door that could pass for a front door mid left, a short hallway, and then the main room in which most of this takes place. There should also be another door, mid right, at the end of the main room, with the suggestion that this is a bedroom and that Judy is in there.

-------

Mike sits alone in the flat. Perhaps he is reading a newspaper or listening to the radio. A knock at the door. Mike stops whatever he is doing (if he was listening to the radio, he should turn it off). He goes across stage to answer the door, to reveal Douglass and Mclean.

Mike:
Good afternoon.

Douglass:
Afternoon.

Pause.

Mike:
Can I help you?

Douglass:
Judy’s expecting us. She asked us here. May we come in?

Mike:
Judy? She never said anything to me about any men. What have you come about, anyway?

Douglass:
It’s about the flat, Mr. Kendrick. Nothing to worry about I assure you. But if we could come in… (He indicates the rest of the flat suggestively).

Mike:
(Sighs) I suppose so. If you must. (He stands aside, and they stride in with him following). It’s Judy, you see, she’s not well. She’s in bed, as a matter of fact. Doctor’s orders. It’s not really the best time.

Pause.

For visitors, you know.

Douglass:
We don’t intend to stay long, do we Mclean?

Mclean:
That certainly isn’t our intention.

They sit down without being invited, next to each other on a sofa. Mike should sit in a chair opposite them.

Mike:
Do you want a drink?

Douglass:
No. No, we don’t on plan on staying long, do we Mclean?

Mclean:
In and out. That’s the idea.

Mike:
What’s this about the flat then? Are you with the landlord? The council perhaps?

Pause.

We had some men from the council here last week.

Douglass:
Well, that’s not our game. Far from it. Not our game at all, in fact.

Mclean:
Quite alien to us, you might say.

Douglass:
We’re from the orphanage, Mr. Kendrick. It’s not far from here, you might be familiar with it. That’s our line of work.

Mike:
Well what does that have to do with me? With the flat? What’s an orphanage got to do with the flat? If you’re after charity we’re not the best people to ask. We do our bit. Don’t get me wrong about that. We chip in here and there. But we have to live within our means. Things are tight. I’m sure you understand.

Douglass:
It’s not money we’re after, Mr. Kendrick. You’ve got quite the wrong idea.

Mclean:
Completely wrong, in fact.

Douglass:
I might even say that the notion offends us somewhat. That we would barge in here and demand money from an honest and hard-working chap. The notion’s quite offensive.

Mclean:
Very offensive.

Pause.

Mike:
Well what do you want, then? I don’t understand.

Douglass:
Things are over-crowded, Mr. Kendrick. Down at the orphanage. I’m sure you can imagine. There’s only so much space available, only so many we can take in. Things are tight.

Mclean:
Positively cramped.

Douglass:
There comes a time when we have to look at alternative solutions. An expansion of sorts. Branching out into other areas of the community.

Mike:
I don’t follow.

Douglass:
We were talking this over – describing this self-same situation – to your wife last Thursday. She seemed only happy to help.

Mclean:
Delighted by the prospect.

Mike:
Help how?

Douglass:
It’s all a matter of space, Mr. Kendrick. You’re an intelligent man, I’m sure you understand. There are very few commodities in this world which are limitless, and space is definitely not one of them.

Mclean:
Far from it.

Douglass:
We were making this same point to your wife, as I’ve said, and she seemed only too willing to help out.

Mclean:
Pitch in.

Douglass:
Do her bit.

Mclean:
Lend a hand.

Douglass:
And now it seems that the time has come for us to collect on this most generous of offers.

Pause.

Mclean:
I trust you’ve found somewhere.

Douglass:
Found somewhere. And packed. You’d need to have packed as well.

Mike:
Packed? Found somewhere? What the bloody hell are you on about?

Douglass:
That was the agreement. I doubt you’d want to share the flat with a dozen noisy children, Mr. Kendrick. That’d be no place for a married couple. Of course, you’re welcome to visit.

Mclean:
To volunteer.

Douglass:
For a good cause.

Mike:
You’ve got the wrong man. You’re in the wrong place. You’re in the wrong place talking to the wrong man. My wife never agreed to any deal. You’re barking up the wrong tree, boys. This is all ridiculous.

Douglass:
Judy didn’t seem to think it was so ridiculous.

Mike:
She never agreed to anything of this kind. We can go and ask her. (He gets up.)

Douglass:
(Also rises.) Ask her? Ask her? Are you out of your mind, man? You some kind of nutter?

Mclean:
Nutjob?

Douglass:
Nutcase?

Mclean:
Headjob?

Douglass:
Fruitcake? (Slight pause) To disturb a sick woman who needs her rest. To refuse to take two respectable men on their word. To dilly.

Mclean:
To dally.

Douglass:
To dawdle. To fail to honour a legal contract, properly written up and witnessed. To defraud a charitable organisation, to agree to a thing one minute and deny it the next.

Mike:
This is absolutely ridiculous. That’s what this is. If you feel so strongly about all this, why not give up your own homes?

Douglass:
Our own homes? Good god, the cheek of it. Do you know who we are, son? You seem a little confused.

Mclean:
A little unclear.

Douglass:
We’re both well-regarded men. Valued by the company. An asset to the community. We’re first class. Big timers.

Mclean:
Big hitters.

Douglass:
We can’t go dossing about on floors or in doorways. We’re men of class, of calibre. This is quite apart from the world you know, mate.

Mclean:
A different kettle of fish entirely.

Douglass:
The very idea of it. It’s practically absurd.

Mclean:
Illogical.

Mike:
This is a step too far. This has reached the limit. I’m a patient man, but I can only be stretched to a certain point. I’ll have to ask you to leave.

Douglass sits down.

Douglass:
Well that’s a most uncharitable attitude.

Mclean:
Exceedingly ungenerous.

Pause.

Mike puts his hand on the door leading to the hallway, and Douglass rises, paces over to him, and puts a hand on his shoulder, shaking his head. Mike looks at Douglass, and then the doorway, before re-taking his seat. The three sit like this for a short time.

Lights down.

Pause.

Lights back up. Mike: is sitting in the same place, holding a baby. The radio is on. The door to the bedroom is open. The room is otherwise empty.

Pause.

Lights down.