The Park

The Park
At night the stillness almost paralyses me, but I shiver with the cold air. I walk on. Lights that illuminate the pear on the old mill give me some visibility but there are no street lights. Every sound is enhanced at night, every police siren in the distance, every rustle of the wind rushing through the edges, and every imagined foot step echoes around me. I hadn't planned on being in the park this late, but then again I hadn't planned on seeing Richard tonight either.
During the day this park is a triumph of activity. The noise of the traffic from the main road, the cheer of the children in the primary school playground near by and the singing birds all provide a soundtrack as people walk to and fro. In the morning people cut through the park as they make their way to work, later in the day people eat their lunch. During the summer young parents fill the grass with picnics and teach their toddlers to play ball games, and older children ride their bikes. Even during the winter dogs and their walkers, young and old, male and female fill my view, and often stop to tell me of their dog’s latest heroics or eating habits.
The park over looks the river and it provides a haven, a sense of peace. There is a roar from a waterfall up stream and closer water swirls around rubbish and broken tree trunks. This is my only familiar sense now as day has turned to night.
I hadn't been in the park for about ten years when I met Richard. When I was a child I lived with my Gran. My mum had died when I was twelve and my Dad did not leave a forwarding address when he left us two years early. So it was left to Gran to take care of me. It wasn't all bad. During the winter she showed me how to bake and cook. Her friends warned her it wasn't right for me to learn such things, but we enjoyed it. I over heard her friend say, 'Don't you think Kevin would be better out playing football or something, than being cooped up in here all day', but Gran knew I didn't like football and would shrug her shoulders. She knew what I was as did I, but it was never discussed. In the summer we would get out and involved with the community. We went on long walks, and visited community events and fairs. Gran would play bowls every week with her friends and occasionally they let me play but mostly I just watched. The park has not changed much, the bowling green is still there and the lily pond is still dirty. That's where I met Richard, by the lily pond. I wasn't interested in relationships even at twenty-seven, I always felt quite useless and somehow I wasn't worthy of love. I knew in their own way my Mum, Gran and even my Dad loved me and maybe that's why I didn't feel lonely, I didn't need anybody to love me. Loneliness to me was not having someone to love. I loved Gran, she needed me and I didn't feel quite so useless, that's why I kept her out of the nursing home for a long as I could. But it got impossible with work, she needed round the clock care, and even though I was at home writing food articles for magazines it demanded just a much time as my Gran and so I had to concede. I visited her every night till she died two years ago. The house felt empty without her so I got a dog. She was a three year old golden retriever named Daphne and was already trained. Her previous owner had died suddenly and so after a morning run about the garden she sat quite and allowed me to get on with my work by lunch time, however, she needed a walk. I took her to the park, I liked the break, I liked the fresh air and the people entertained me. Elderly wives would shout at their husbands to keep the dog out of the mud, young couples would be building up to their first kiss, and boys and girls would shout for their parents’ attention. And then there was Richard. He wore a suit and carried a folder. Although it was summer there was quite a wind that day and has he sat to eat his lunch the wind caught his folder and his papers began to swirl around him, I ran to help I was good in a crises and he needed me - or was that just wishful thinking. I caught a few pieces of his work and went to hand them to him. He took the papers and even in his moment of panic he smiled at me.
He didn't have obvious good looks, his freckles added colour to his pale completion and his noise seemed rather small for such a tall man, but his eyes were kind and his smile lit up his whole face. The next day I found myself walking by the lily pond just hoping to see him and there he was eating his sandwich and looking through his papers. I sat across from him on the other side of the lily pond waiting for him to notice me but he didn't even see me. After twenty minutes I got up to leave and as I was about to walk away I gave him one last look and there was his smile beaming back at me. He collected his things and walked over to me. He thanked me for helping him the day before and he went on to tell me he worked in the old mill for an insurance company. I introduced myself and Daphne and I told him I lived by the top entrance to the park. We talked for a while but he had to get back to work.
Soon we were running into him everyday. We talked about work and the weather and the people in the park. He told me he was staying in a small flat in the city but his house was in Wiltshire he had been called to sort out recruitment in the Manchester branch. He seamed lonely and after a week or two I invited him to my house for an evening meal. I told him about Gran and how after I had finished at catering college I was lucky enough to get work writing food articles for magazines. The money wasn't much but I was luckier than most because Gran had a good pension and had paid of the mortgage before she went into the nursing home. He shocked me when he leaned in and kissed me, but it was a pleasant shock. We kissed for hours before he left but I could have stay in that moment for a life time.
Over the next few months we took things slow but just before Christmas Richard was spending the night. I liked waking up to his touch. I would cook him meals and get feedback for articles I was writing. Most weekends he would have to go back to Wiltshire to check on his house. I would busy myself with preparing the house planning meals and playing with Daphne.
This weekend had felt harder than normal and I just wanted to be near him. Although I had never been to his flat I knew where it was so I got a bus earlier tonight and found myself outside his building. The front door was open so I took the lift up to the fifth floor and walked the corridor to flat nineteen. It felt good to see something that was part of Richard and I knew he would be back in a few days. I began to walk away when a women and little girl got out of the lift. They smiled at me as I passed them and then I notice them approach the door of flat nineteen it flashed through my mind that I was at the wrong place but as the door opened I heard his voice,
'Hello baby'. I turned and saw the little girl being swept up into Richard’s his arms and she began 'Daddy Daddy we got on a train and we saw lots of people and there was a great big dog', she continued to tell him about her journey. The woman, a slim brunette, leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. The three of them went in the apartment. He didn’t see me, I left the building got the bus back home but couldn't face the house.
So here I am in the park and it has occurred to me we never really talked about past relationships. I figured he was like me to shy to have had a relationship with anyone before. I never even asked about his parents or his childhood. It is over now, I thought he needed me but he has a wife and a daughter to need him. In a way I would not change a thing. For those few months of him touching me and him letting me touch him I will remain grateful.
The night will turn to day soon and this park will triumph again as people make their way to work. Car engines running, children playing, dogs yelping and birds singing will all try to drown out the sounds of the river. I will come back to the park tomorrow with Daphne. She still needs me. It will be full of life then and I won't feel quite as alone as the night.