Author versus Character

Narrator: It was a bright summer's day when the world came crashing down around him.

Character: Wait a second.

Narrator: Yes?

Character: How can the day be bright when the world comes crashing down?

Narrator: … It's just an expression.

Character: *blinks* … Oh.

Narrator: May I continue?

Character: Huh? Yeah, sure.

Narrator: As I was saying: It was a bright summer's day when the world came crashing down around him. The sun was shining, the bird chirping, not a cloud in the sky.

Character: Wait. How can the day be bright when-

Narrator: Would you just let me finish?!

Character: Geez, you don't have to get all mad and all. I was just wondering…

Narrator: Now, where was I?

Character: *rolls eyes* "A bright summer's day…"

Narrator: Oh yes. The sky was a deep blue and the trees a vibrant green. It was a perfect day, and, of course, perfect days don't exist, so something had to happen.

Character: *mumbles* Of course…

Narrator: Anyway, on this perfect day, Character decides to do something exciting.

Character: *grumbles* I don't do anything exciting these days: too much work. And besides, I'm a book worm; I don't do anything outside if I don't have to.

Narrator: Oh, come on.

Character: No.

Narrator: Just this once?

Character: No.

Narrator: It'll be fun.

Character: No. *picks up a random book* Look at this book, such a wonderful book. It begs to be read. It's the most exciting book ever.

Narrator: *looks blankly at the book* It says "Physics."

Character: *looks at the cover and blinks.* Oh *tosses book over his shoulder* Whatever. I'm not an outdoors person, anyway.

Narrator: What if I told you that the only way for you to survive is to leave the house?

Character: Why should I believe you?

Narrator: Look outside and see for yourself.

Character takes a peek outside his window and gazes upon the pretty fields, and flowers, and trees, and birds, and-

Character: Enough! What am I supposed to be looking at?

Narrator: It's up in the sky.

He once again peeks his head out the window and gazes up into the sky.

Character: What is that? It's like a giant, huge, glowy, shiny, ball thingy.

Narrator: It's called a meteor.

Character: A what? Meteor? What's that?

Narrator: You could look it up in one of your many dictionaries.

Character leaps from the window and grabs a giant dictionary.

Character: Meteor… meteor…. Metaphysics…

Narrator: You may want to step outside now.

Character: Metatarsus… mete… meteor!

Narrator: Ahem… it is kinda heading this way.

The meteor is streaking through the sky, growing disturbingly larger and larger. Within seconds, it will hit the little country cottage. Character gets pushed outside just as the meteor crashes into the cottage. Both are knocked to the ground.

Character: Hey! You made me lose my spot.

Character scrambles after the giant dictionary and proceeds to search for the word "meteor" once again.

Narrator: That should be the least of your worries.

Character: Meteor. A noun. 1. The luminous trail or streak that appears in the sky when a meteoroid is made incandescent by friction with the earth's atmosphere. Also called "shooting star." 2. A meteoroid. 3. Obsolete. Any atmospheric blah blah blah… Sooo… what's a meteor?

Narrator: A giant space rock that decides to attack earth, but it usually burns up before it lands.

Character: Oh.. that's too bad.

Character shakes his head because he obviously thinks that "space rocks" must be nice, and it's a shame they burn up before making friends. He now sees that his wonderful little country cottage has been burnt to a crisp.

Character: It wasn't a country cottage.

Narrator: Then what was it?

Character: It was a… It was a cottage.

Narrator: What difference does it make? It's gone now. Come, now you can have that adventure I was telling you about.

Character: The one where the world supposedly crashes?

Narrator: Yeah.

Character: I think it already has.

Narrator: This is just the beginning, my friend.

Character turns his back on the burning rubble, and, placing his giant dictionary beneath his arm, sets out to find his adventure. Within minutes, he comes across a river. The water is deep and there is no bridge. The only way to get across is to swim.

Character: I can't swim.

Narrator: Well then, looks like you'll be stuck here for the rest of the book.

Character groans and plops down on the ground. He heaves his dictionary open and begins flipping pages.

Character: … Swim: 1. To propel oneself through water by means of movements of the body or parts of the body. 2. To move as though gliding through water. 3. To float on water or other liquid… I guess I can just jump into the water and I'll just "swim" over.

Narrator: What's the fourth entry say?

Character: What does it matter? It says "to move as though gliding through water." So I just need to pretend I'm gliding, and I'll make it to the other side.

Narrator: Whatever you say. It's your life.

Character: Hmph.

Character closes his dictionary and stands up. Cautiously he creeps to the river edge. He dips a toe and yelps. Turning around, he yells:

Character: Boy that's cold! Why didn't you tell me?

Narrator: And would you have listened to me?

Character simply turns back around to face the freezing cold river.

Narrator: You do know that this river flows out of a mountain, right?

Character: Hmph.

Narrator: So, are you just going to stand there, or are you going to "swim"?

With a grunt, Character takes one deep breath and takes the plunge. His arms and feet flail all around, as he floats down stream. A few moments pass.

Narrator: I sure hope that's not what you call "gliding." Here's a towel.

Character: *grabs the towel* What do you mean? Thanks… Hey, wait a second. How am I up here?

Narrator: We couldn't afford to have you drown on us so soon. Oh, here's your dictionary. Let me read you the fourth definition of swim. "To be covered or flooded with water or other liquid; be immersed."

Character: Hey! That means I did swim!

Character jumps around on the grass. After a moment, he settles down onto the grass to dry.

Character: How are we on the other side of the river? Didn't we start on that side?

Narrator: Yeah, but it would have taken too much time to draw you out of the river, and revive you, and teach you how to swim.



*** To Be Continued ***