The Diet

They had a lot of chores to do that day
so they set out early in his truck.
Order the coal and pick up film,
head to the doctor, and with any luck
find out it wasn't bone spurs
that had her feet a achin',
stop for breakfast down to Sally's
for eggs over easy and a side of bacon.

He followed her in
and they picked out a table,
both gave their orders
to a waitress named Mable.

Honey, he said, as they sat there and waited,
Remember back when we'd go on a date?
Back in the old days
before you gained all your weight?

Do you think maybe
you could go on a diet?
I know it's hard
but could you try it?

She looked at him
with his balding head,
beer belly paunch
and smiled as she said...

honey I know that we both have changed
and we're different now than we were back then
but I'll make an effort to change some things
thought I'm not quite sure just how or when.

Time went by and she did make changes
she lost weight, put money in her own account.
And the more she seemed to put away
she lost more weight by a goodly amount.

But her husband didn't notice the change
and in fact once more he made his plea,
choosing to ask on a special day,
he picked their anniversary.

Do you think maybe
you could go on a diet?
I know it's hard
but could you try it?

She looked at him
with his balding head,
beer belly paunch
and smiled as she said...

honey I know that we both have changed
and we're different now than we were back then
but I'll make an effort to change some things
thought I'm not quite sure just how or when.

Then one day soon as she drank some tea
from her grandmother's teacup out on the swing
the postman delivered a letter for him
from her attorney, Gentleman Jim

He looked up at her
his eyes filled with tears
and he said, But, dear we've been happy
all these years,

What was the matter, what all's been wrong,
what has happened to chart this course?
Honey plum, you know I love you.....
why on earth do you want a divorce?

She looked at him
with his balding head,
beer belly paunch
and smiled as she said...

(spoken) Remember when you asked me

Do you think maybe
you could go on a diet?
I know it's hard
but could you try it?

Well, I've lost weight but I'm gonna lose more
Read those papers, I've sufficient grounds.
Happily my diet's a huge success
with you gone, I've lost three hundred pounds!