Addict

I have made a startling discovery regarding human nature. Mine in particular. First, allow me to explain that I have not always been the best person nor has it been my intention to be the worst. We all come with baggage and here is a little bit of mine.

My parents died when I was a very young adult. Mom, when I was eighteen and my dad when I was barely twenty. Never did get much positive attention or affection from either.

That leads up to my preoccupation with sex. I mean it bordered on the bizarre and deviant level. Not that I ever really acted on it,(I was too much of a lady for that)but it began to permeate nearly every aspect of my life and it didn't get better with age. My sexual preoccupation centered only on men who were around my age. (Thank God!)

You know, I just couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Most people would say that I was repressed. (True) Others would say that I was simply sex starved because I was (and still am) a practicing celibate. (Still some truth there) But the real problem was that I was using sex as a crutch. I realized that sex was extremely important to me because that was the way that I viewed affection. Having not had any real affection growing up, I relied on the sexual embrace to sustain my emotional needs. It had very little to do with physical needs.

I come from a family that absolutely did not practice any type of physical affection. Hugs were associated with sex. I can remember my mother angrily telling me not to hug my father anymore because I was "too big" for that. Ring a bell, anyone? There have been studies that show that humans have what is termed as "skin hunger" which is a nonsexual need to be touched lovingly by another human being. Couple "skin hunger" deprivation along with constant verbal abuse and the occasional physical abuse and we have trouble in the making. But while those are my reasons for sexual preoccupation, it doesn't necessarily apply to everyone.

There was a guy who used to work with me back in the day. He was fairly nice looking and seemingly dedicated to his wife. He rode a motorcycle (rain or shine) so that she could have the car. His face lit up whenever he spoke of his family. Yet, he was the workplace Casanova. I know for a fact two of the women who worked there passed him around like a bag of popcorn. Believe me, he'd "give a dog a bone." Did I mention that he had just lost some considerable weight? In studying him, I realized that his indiscretions stemmed out of insecurity. It was as if he had to prove himself over and over again. With some people, it's validation of desirability. With others, it could be validation of sexual orientation especially if they tend to be bisexual. (No hate mail, please.) This is simply my observation and experience.


When I realized that I was a sex addict, strangely enough, it took the edge off of my edginess. I became comfortable in my own skin. I could see that I was starving more so emotionally that physically. I read an article recently that made the point that receiving physical gratification did not help people who were addicts. It could sometimes only aggravate the problem because lust is a "heart" problem not a sexual problem. Well, Bam!! There it was in black and white. I am so glad because I was so tired of being a deviate. (Learning Christian, but still a deviate)
I wonder just how many men (and women) wonder to themselves, "Just what is wrong with me? Why can't I just behave and be happy?"

How many marriages and relationships suffer needlessly? So many suffer in silence while showing an outward bravado of being "Now" and "With It" and LONELY. Sex can't relive your loneliness anymore than drugs or alcohol because the problem is with your HEART. I have learned to deal with my hurts in a constructive ways instead of destructive ones.

Most people won't talk about this. But it helps me to tell it all. Somebody had to say it. Just color me..

Brutally Honest