To The Man Who Dates My Daughter

This isn’t a letter directed to you, Whoever You Are, because if you are a practical man, you know darn well that you haven’t seen her long enough to know whether you are serious or not. On the other hand, in my humble opinion, any man that my daughter even gives the ‘eye’ to should be quite delighted.

If you are a bit nervous about meeting her parents, take this as a good sign. It means you want us to like you. And we want to like you as well. However, not every man should be willing to meet us. Some should avoid it permanently! But, if you are set on doing so, please let us tell you about the kind of man we’d consider as suitable to court our daughter:

He’s A Serious Young Man

Seriousness doesn’t mean ‘sober’ or dower. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t know how to have fun and laugh whole heartedly at a good joke. Serious means serious about his life and serious about what caring for a woman means.

A serious man is an ambitious man. He has hopes and dreams. He has plans. He sees a bright future ahead, and the steps he needs to take to make that future happen.

He’s a patient man. He realizes that most people over-estimate what they can do in a year and underestimate what they can do in 10 years. Having a plan, he knows that all good things take time. He can put things in place and then hunker down and wait. He has prepared well enough, like a farmer preparing the land prior to planting the crops. He’s done everything in his power to get his plans to grow. Now, he has to watch the weather for any possible modifications he must make.

He’s a modest man. He knows that no one accomplishes things on his own, and everyone hates a bragger. The modest man doesn’t avoid taking credit, but he doesn’t seek it out, either. If it doesn’t readily come to him, he is satisfied to know what he did, himself, in his own ‘heart of hearts.’

He’s a prudent man, in money matters as well as in matters of love. He knows that a ‘get rich quick scheme’ that sounds too good to be true, is just that. He doesn’t need material possessions to demonstrate his worth to others. He knows the difference between an ‘asset’ and a ‘liabilities.’ One puts money IN your pocket, and one takes money OUT. He knows that most businesses and savings do the former and most material possessions do the latter.

He realizes in matters of love, he should be cautious about a girl who needs him to demonstrate his love by providing her with a wealth of material possessions. He can sense that HE will become a material possession and wants no part of that kind of relationship. He knows a girl that is true of heart is as concerned about his financial situation as he is, even before things get “serious.” Being a prudent man in love, however, means that he knows when to demonstrate true affection with a thoughtful gift. Thoughtfulness in general is a prudent man’s best approach when looking to win the heart of the right girl.

He’s an honest man. Honest, not only in what he says, but in what he avoids saying. While he doesn’t use honesty to beat people up, he isn’t afraid to say what he thinks when he’s asked. He knows the value of words to bring people together or to rip them apart. He uses his words with care.

He’s protective to a fault. He realizes that being a man has specific obligations that accompany being with a woman. Chivalry is not dead to this man, just scarce, and this makes him more valuable to those he loves. He doesn’t hesitate to give his coat if she’s cold or return a punch if she’s in danger. He knows his strength as a younger man, because he develops and respects it. He knows the limitations of his body as an older man and doesn’t show off. True gallantry is taking a second shift to allow a mother to stay home with her small children. True valor is holding one’s tongue when you and your beloved are both exhausted. It is more than symbolic gestures. It is built into the very fabric of a man.

He’s a loving man. He knows how to say “I love you,” and how to demonstrate affection. He wants to have children, even though he realizes that it is a lot of work. He is a true friend and will be a devoted father—steady and accessible. He recognizes that sexuality is nothing without sensuality and affection, and that kisses and hugs linger through the day and throughout the lifetime.

He’s a man invested in the world. There is a Jewish phrase “Tikkun Olam’ To heal and repair the world’ and in our family, that means a dissatisfaction with the status quo and a willingness to do something about it. But he also recognizes that there is a balance, best expressed by the bookend questions: “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, who am I and if not now, when?” Hillel I:I4 And while we’re on the subject of religion, he seen no religion as “truer” than another, but just a path. Religious intolerance is the worst kind of hatred. Never make religious difference a struggle in your relationship. Agree on a path and walk on it together, even if you each walk on your own path at times. Find the path with the heart. Give your children a religion to rebel against as they grow, and show them how to enjoy what it has to offer. They will thank you for it, in adulthood.

He is a wise man, because my daughter doesn’t suffer fools gracefully. He respects books and learning throughout his lifetime. He retires from learning at the moment of his death. He doesn’t have to have an advanced degree, but he has to be motivated to be the best in his trade, calling or profession. He has things to talk to my daughter about, something interesting to say, and solicits her opinion. He is as interested in what he learns from everyday life as he is from book-learning.

He loves his family and is devoted to them, but when he marries, he draws a new line in the sand. He makes his relationship with his mother and father his business to maintain and to manage. Conflicts that arise between wives and mother-in-laws are legendary. He demonstrates very little tolerance for vindictiveness from either party. He doesn’t hesitate to put limits on his mother’s intrusions or undermining behavior. He tells his wife when she’s being unreasonable. He never allows the children to be used as pawns. He vows that his children will always have a relationship with both sets of grandparents. He knows that grandchildren and grandparents have a common enemy. Such is life.

He also stays out of his wife’s family’s affairs. He expects her to handle her family relationships herself. He never speaks a bad word about her family, even when she does. He knows better. He expects the same courtesy from her.

He is absolutely crazy about my daughter. The lucky man is the one who feels he has been most fortunate in love. He knows instinctually that youth and great beauty are precious moments in life that are to be enthusiastically enjoyed. He also realizes that the true beauty of a person radiates from within and lasts a lifetime. He will marvel at her intense physical and internal beauty, her intelligence and her fire. He will be protective of her, while not being covetous. He will know that jealousy stems from the recognition that you, yourself, have not been thoughtful and true to your beloved. Jealousy is an emotion for the weak and insecure. If a man and woman enjoy the time they spend together and are honest people, they leave no room for jealousy or resentment.

He is a man who can appreciate the beauty of other women, but, like an art collector, he can go to a museum without taking the paintings home. The world is full of women, and many of them could be the right one for any man. The wise man carefully chooses one, and adores her for a lifetime. He is loyal not out of mutual obligation or deprivation (because he doesn’t want her to cheat). He is loyal first and foremost to his own sense of integrity and will not violate that for casual pleasure. He clarifies his understanding of what composes his relationship with his beloved, and then honors himself by honoring his word. He works hard to recreate a relationship that becomes unique over time. A shared history together becomes irreplaceable.

He knows that a wife can make or break a man, and he makes the decision to marry carefully and after prolonged soul searching. He knows that the right partner can work along side him to achieve great wealth and happiness for their family or undercut him and leave them both broken and broke.


A good wife doesn’t see financial setbacks as anything but that—setbacks. A good wife wouldn’t consider leaving her husband because of financial difficulty beyond his control. She realizes that most millionaires have been broke several times in their lives before ‘making it,’ and have had the same wife throughout the good times and bad. A good wife adores children, or else doesn’t have them. She is affectionate with everyone she cares for, including his family and friends. A good wife appreciates order in a home and creates a rhythm of life for her husband and her children. She is more concerned about what her husband thinks, than what the neighbors think. She is more invested in having a college education for her children than a luxury car or vacation. She is generous with her time to help others but protective of her private time with her husband. She keeps special time for her marriage and thoroughly enjoys this regularly scheduled retreat. She never places her children before her marriage or her marriage before her children. She recognizes that each have a unique place in her heart. Both husband and wife demonstrate what respect is, to their children, by demonstrating it with each other. They make their children jealous of their passion for each other. They leave their children wanting to grow up and have the same relationship in their lives.

Therefore, What’s Your Name, you can see that our expectations are quite high but you also must understand that she is our only daughter. We have tended to her quite closely while she was growing up and we are quite pleased with who she has turned out to be. She is well aware of the high expectations we have of her. If we disapprove of you initially, believe me, you will know it, and we’ll put all of our influence on convincing her of that. However, if she chooses you, despite our objections, we will step back and hold our tongue. We will look for the positive qualities you demonstrate from the list here, and try to ignore the ones that are your weakness.

However, please be advised that a few behaviors we will never accept: violence, drug or alcohol dependency or non-support. The first of these behaviors, violence towards our daughter, will not be tolerated for even a day. A man who hits a woman once has already lost control of himself and needs to protect his partner by separating from her, first and then by getting professional help. Period. Violence often starts insidiously, first by ‘auditory pollution;” shouting at bad drivers, cursing over current events, screaming when a glass is broken. It then escalates to personal insults and belittlement, first in arguments and then in everyday life. Physical violence is the final step in this downward cascade. Don’t accept it in other people and don’t tolerate it in yourself.

Drug or alcohol dependency is something familiar to our family. The dependency becomes a man’s mistress and a demanding one at that. A simple rule of thumb has worked for us: If you indulge and it causes you problems and you drink because you now have problems, you have a drug or alcohol problem. Get help. Period. Non-support is much less cut and dry, but it has to do with a basic attitude that you have no responsibility to financially support your wife or family. We aren’t talking about facing financial hardship, here. We are talking about being unmotivated to do anything about financial hardship. While in this case we believe that our daughter is responsible for deciding what to do about this issue, you will not have our respect if you demonstrate a disregard for providing financial support.

If we approve of you, we will tell her so, but again do our best to allow your relationship to proceed at its own pace. We don’t want her to marry too soon. We want her to marry well. She has been very selective in her life. If she favors you, consider yourself fortunate. She is not a fickle person in her affections. She has had lifelong friendships that she has nurtured and maintained. You can become a part of this loving network if you choose to be, whether or not your relationship with her remains romantic. Be a friend to her first, and the lover part will take care of itself.

If you and she become “serious” about each other, we will expect her to be a good wife and we are certain she will be a marvelous mother. We will support the two of you in any way we can. Short of the three issues we outlined above, we don’t expect you to be a stellar example of each quality we’ve outlined in this open letter. But if these qualities are ones that you would want to embrace, would be part of your ‘best self,’ then welcome. Enjoy this budding romantic involvement, and just come out with us and enjoy yourself.