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It's always easier for me to put my feelings in writing than express them verbally. |
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This is basically about my life and relationship with my son, the most important person in my life. Also, my mother, my best friend, the other most important person in my life. Friends and spouses may come and go in our lives, but parents and children are for life. My dad, who was a very wise man and whom I love dearly, God rest his soul, told me when I was a child, "One day your children will grow up and leave you. So always put your partner first and love them the most". Sorry dad, you were wrong about that one. |
| New Years has come and gone. I haven't written in a while. We talked New Years eve, as usual. But that night I asked if you were driving, you said yes, and I said, "Baby, please drive careful." You said, "Yeah, mom!" I knew you were irritated at me for saying that, but I had a bad feeling. Of course, I didn't say that then, but then 30 minutes later you called and said you'd had an accident. I told you then why I said what I said. You know I have my feelings. Luckily you were ok, and only your truck was damaged. Anyway, from there to here, you left me a disc from Christmas that are songs from you to me, entitled "2 Mama". Well, I've just recently started listening to your songs. Especially the ones that I don't know. The song WAR What is it good for, absolutely nothin'. It ain't nothin, but a heartbreak. Who wants to die. You got one friend only, that's the undertaker. Has shattered many young man dreams, made him disabled. War can't give life, it can only take it away. They say we must fight to keep our freedom, but Lord there's got to be a better way. Then some of the words to some of the other songs: Just out to find the better part of me. I'm more than a pretty face. It's not easy to be me. I wish that I could cry, fall down on my knees. Find a way to lie about a home I'll never see. Even hero's have a right to dream. Looking for special things inside of me. I'm only a man, looking for a dream. It's not easy to be me. I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known. Don't know where it goes, but it's only me and I walk alone. I walk alone, only my shadow walks beside me. Well for now I'm stopping, but will finish your songs and my response later. I love you, Later... |
| Well, you came home for a couple of days for Christmas. They were wonderful, but they would have been more wonderful if we could have had more time together. But, I really shouldn't complain because you made my Christmas. No, you made this the best Christmas ever for me. You will really never know. At the Christmas Party Saturday night, you stood up in front of everybody and read the poem you wrote for me, then sang that song, "Hey Mama" to me. Here's the words to the poem you wrote: Entitled: Guardian Angel I wrote this poem graciously, about a dream that I had. I had a vision of an Angel, and this Angel was very sad. She said she'd been there for me through the good times and the bad, To lift me up if I fell, and hold me tight when I was sad. As she explained, I watched woefully, tears fall from her eyes. I never realized any being, could make such sacrifice. I asked her why she was so very sad on this fine day? She said I never appreciated her in the right way. She said, "You never really showed me what I needed so bad..." And I knew at that moment I'd give her all that I had. So I went up to the Angel, and gave her a soft kiss, (at this time you came up to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek) I said, "Thank you, I love you and don't ever forget this: That you're always appreciated, no matter how it seems. I'm not always able to show you what my heart really means... But just know that I love you, and I'll always be right here! And at that moment I awoke with both my eyes full of tears, And I knew what it meant to have someone care so much, Especially with all the problems, our depression and such... With everything in my life that brings me down and breaks my spirit, She will always defend me and give me hope with no limit. I could have never made it this far in my life without you, Cuz Mother, you are an Angel, and more than life I Love You!!! Oh son, there's so much I could say, but I don't know if you'd ever get it. I love you just doesn't touch, or begin to say how you've made me feel. Sometimes I love you so much it hurts. I really don't think you'll ever understand such a feeling. I know this was the worst Christmas for you and I'm so sorry. I love you baby. Later... |
| Two more days 'til Christmas, but you'll be home tomorrow. I miss you so much, I doubt you'll ever understand. I wanted nothing more this year than to have you home. I know it's only for 2 days, but that's ok. You'll be coming home for good next spring. I know we've discussed you thinking about re-upping for another 4 years in the reserve. Though you haven't made up your mind yet, I hope you do. But, if you do, I hope you never have to leave the states again. However, I think it would be wise on your part to stay. At least in the reserves you'll be home, you can go to college, start on a career, and have 4 more years to see where you'll be and decide what you want for yourself then. Even if you put in your full 20 years, you'll only be 38. That's a good retirement and great benefits from the military. No matter what you decide though, you know I will be behind you and support you in any decision you make. Whatever you decide, it will be the right choice for you. I am so very proud of you son. I can't wait to see you tomorrow. And the little dog you're bringing me home for Christmas. Though you say it's mine and you bought it for me, I know it's really yours. :) But that's ok, I wouldn't have it any other way. :) I'll leave your bedroom door open so he can sleep in your bed after you leave. I know this isn't the best Christmas we've ever had. Infact, finacially it's the worse. But at least unlike last year you spent in Iraq, this year you're home, and I never want to see another Christmas without you. I LOVE YOU, Later.......... |
| I have found this writing.com site on the net. Since I found it just 3 or 4 weeks ago, I have been writing more poems. Today I wrote one about your fears before you left for Iraq the second time. Remember how angry you were then? How you treated me? I didn't know what you were thinking or why you were so angry with me. I'm so sorry. I talked to everyone I could about how you were acting and the way you were pushing me away and you were so hateful and cold to me. Everyone said, that's what you had to do. They said you loved me so much that you could only think of how I would feel if you didn't come back. That you were trained that you couldn't think of me when you were there or it would surely get you killed. That you had to think of only yourself and staying alive. So you had to do whatever you had to do to keep your mind strong for yourself. The thought of the pain my love caused you then. Knowing how much I love you, and because I've always told you that if I ever lost you, I couldn't go on. The burden that you carried. The fear for me if you didn't come home. Baby, I'm so sorry for all the pain I caused. I'm sorry I didn't understand better, that you were just doing what you had to do to survive in Iraq and come back to me. That you were pushing me away with the idea that if I was mad when you left, and then if you didn't come back, it wouldn't have been as hard for me. I know that was your way of thinking, oh, but you were so wrong. The way you left so angry, and left me so, what you thought was, angry too, was wrong and the worst way to leave. I wasn't angry. I was torn apart and confused. If anything had happened to you before we had made amends, I never could have lived with myself. As terrible as it would have been to lose you over there, at least had we parted on good and loving terms, I could have dealt. But losing you the way you left... No Way! Especially after you told me you didn't believe you would be coming back. You'll never know what that did to me that day. When you laid your head on my chest and I wrapped my arms around you, it was like holding my little baby boy in my arms again. Only the way you sobbed made me want to hold you there forever and never, ever let you go. Why I didn' know? I'll never understand, but even when you told me, I just didnt' know how to react or what to say. I told you not to think that way and that I never wanted to hear you talk like that again. Then I calmed down and tried to reassure you that God would keep you safe and you would come back home. Though I believed that, once you told me how you felt, I was more afraid than ever. I was more afraid that because you believed it, that your subconscience would allow you to get yourself killed. Then, I'll never forget that night, after you were gone. I walked out on the deck, holding the mother & son necklace that you gave me before you left, looking up at the stars. First, I said, "Look up at the stars son, and you will see me looking back at you. You will feel me and know that I am with you." Then, I said, "Dear God, take care of my son. Give him the strength he needs, wrap your arms around him and protect him..." Before I could finish my prayer, God answered, "Haven't I always? Haven't I been with him and protected him this far?". Then there was a peace that came over me that I can't put into words, and I knew you'd be safe and you'd be coming back home to me. Then I told you, so that you would know and remember. Knowing how much I love you, so many of my friends and family said they just knew I would be a basket case and a wreck the whole time you were gone. Though I told everyone, they couldn't understand how I was so calm while you were there. But that was ok. God, you, and I knew, and that was all that mattered. And you came back home!!! :) AND I LOVE YOU!!! Later... |
| Today isn't actually the first day of this journal. I have been writing one since after your birth, my only child, my son. "My Pride, My Joy! My Life, My Boy!" No one knows about the journal I started keeping after you were born. Not even you. But that journal began when you were my little boy. As you grew up, your life took off and I found myself writing in it less and less. Though remembering the important events in your life that I wanted to write to you in that journal, it seemed there was always less and less time, so I would put it off 'til tomorrow, and it never got written down. I so regret that failure. I'm starting this today, because when you left for Iraq the second, and hopefully, the last time, you asked me to keep a journal while you were gone and that you'd be keeping one, too. Well, I sort of have and sort of haven't. I've written some things down here and there. Some things I haven't written down, but shamefully hope I can remember them as I write this. I guess now is better than never. I have written you letters and e-mails while you were away. Some, letting you know how I really felt, and others holding back, so you would think of me as the strong woman you've always thought me to be, and so you wouldn't see my weakness. However, in this, I will tell you everything. You will see in me, all of whom I truly am. Whether it's good, bad, happy, sad, hurt, anger, proud, fearless, scared, terrified, a mother and a stranger. I will tell my tears of joy and pain, my highest high, deepest guilt, and my most terrible shame. I will tell you things I probably shouldn't, and things that I will probably wish I hadn't. None of this is meant for you to know now. Not today, or tomorrow, or anytime in the near future. But one day. When that day comes, I hope you will draw strength from all of this. No matter what, the good, the bad, the happy, and the sad of it all. I know this journal will really go back and forth as I write. But then, I guess that's what a journal is for. To write about how I feel today, dreams for the future, and memories of yesterday. Remember what I told you when you were so far away? "Every night look up at the stars, and know that I will be looking back at you." And whenever you got the chance to call, or we would write each other, I told you I could never say "Goodbye"? That when we ended our conversation or a letter, I would always just say, "Later." I LOVE YOU!!! Later... |
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