Honesty;; Honestly??

Chapter One.


"Love leaves its abuser" has always been a phrase that stuck out to me. Mentally and emotionally. But mostly just emotionally because everything about that phrase is so true in a lot of different ways. Too bad I'm the abuser.


I'm seventeen years old. I'm old enough to wear a bra and drive a car, but I am still not allowed to take my bra off for anyone or have more than 1 other person in the car with me.


"Fuck minor-ism", was what I have been thinking practically all of my childhood. Now that my 'childhood' is almost over, all I can think about is: "Where is the beer and titties?!".


No, but really I am ready for eighteen. I am ready for adulthood. I am ready to move out.


I WANT A LIFE OF MY OWN!


Chapter Two.


Today wasn't really anything special, come to think of it. I woke up, still high from last night, and watched a movie with my parents. I didn't really want to but they both seemed pretty siked about the idea, so I obliged. (Haha, it's funny to think 'bout how I actually think that I'm the least bit 'bad-ass' sometimes). Anyway, Like I said before: Nothing special happened today. I've just been doing a lot of thinking.


Man, last night was really good. I smoked a whole bowl by myself. I remember sitting down and feeling my body tingle all over. I felt so light; so happy. Nothing was really phasing me. Being the philosopher that I am when I'm under the influence, I started thinking about how life is like the bodies' rib cage. So many different pieces and parts making up one simple, but complex entity. It's kind of beautiful, actually.


I wish I could think like that all of the time.



Chapter Two Thousand and Forty-Seven

It's crazy how you can forget about things after awhile. I don't have any clue as to when the first day that I wrote this was, but I kind of like it that way. I like it when life leaves room for mystery.

Maybe that's why I like Explosions in the Sky so much. Well, I would like them anyway. But anyway.

It has been probably almost a year since I wrote in this thing. The only reason I even remembered about it was because I got an e-mail stating that my login had expired and that I had been inactive for over four months. I never even remembered having an account on here. I'm glad I logged in, though. I like nice little surprises.

I've been thinking a lot. That's nothing new, but that's besides the point. There are a few things weighing down on me and I have to get them out in some way, or another... so here it goes.

1. I am in love with Michael Fulbright, and I think that maybe he loves me back.
2. My mother has put me 400 dollars in debt and I have no idea how to fish myself out of it.
3. I don't think that I am cut out for college... I hate going to class.
4. I am glad that I got my period today. I had been worried.
5. I have to move out in January... And I have no job at this moment.
6. I could have slept forever in his arms last night. Fuck my dad for coming home.
7. Not really, I love my dad.
8. I need help. Financially. Mentally. Emotionally.
9. I want my mom to get better even though I put up a tough front.
10. It really made my day that I re-discovered this thing.

It is getting cold outside again, and that is really exciting for me. Winter and fall are so beautiful. But not the kind of beautiful that is like "WOW! That's beautiful!" They are the kind of beautiful that you have to look for. Kind of like the dowdy girl with glasses. You see her everyday. Then one day, you REALLY see her. And you see something beautiful. I think that there are the everyday beautiful's and the "you have to discover it" beautiful's. The everyday beautiful's are beautiful everyday, sure. But that eventually gets old and boring. The "you have to discover it" beautiful's are the challenge. They're the sought after chase. They're the ones that stay beautiful AND interesting.

And that's the way that I like things.


Chapter 22.4532


I am in the school library right now as I type this. I just finished eating chinese food for lunch with Michael. He had to go to class. I was going to go home, but I decided fucking fifteen minutes ago that I am going to give this college thing all that I've got. My next class isn't even until two-twenty so I have an hour and eightteen minutes to kill. Thus, I am here. Writing in this.

My new name is "Debbie Wafer". I gave it to myself while Mike and I were eating chinese food. There was a table of four Mexican men that were eyeballing me practically the entire time that I was eating. Everytime that I stood up to get more food I could feel their eyes watching my ass. Mike found it pretty hysterical. Anyway, after Michael generously paid for our food we were standing up to leave. Right as I was walking past the four guys' table they said, almost harmoniously, "Bye!". It was hilarious. While laughing I said "Bye" and waved to them. By the time I made it to Michael's car he was laughing really hard. I was, too. The whole ride back to school was hilarious. I don't really know why. I gave Michael the name of "Edward Whitehead". I don't know why. It just sounds like a stereotypical white person's name. That pun is intended, also.

Lately I have been having so much fun with Michael. I mean, we've been dating for two years, or so and there has been plenty of fun times. But here lately I have been having the best time with him. We have just been having so much fun. We've actually gotten out and done stuff instead of lay around and have sex. One day we actually went to the mall together and took photobooth pictures together. Given, the pictures sucked is besides the point. I actually don't know what my point is. I am just really excited that he seems to be making an effort. Today he carried my books for me. That's something that he has never done. It made me smile.

Enough about him, though.

Today in English we finished watching the movie "Awakenings". I ended up crying. I can't imagine being trapped inside my own body for thirty years and wake up. Only to have it all taken away again. That idea is so sad to me. It makes me appreciate life a lot. More so than I already do.

With that being said --
I solemnly vow to laugh a lot, to love more, and to live like I am dying.
Amen.