How to Satisfy a Woman

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How to Satisfy a Woman

Sometimes you’ve just got to bite the bullet, especially when at risk of lead poisoning. There are situations when one’s usual laid-back approach to survival seems insufficient. Having the muzzle of a Beretta capping the end of your schnozz is one of them. Hitherto, properly defrosting chicken pancakes and maintaining a semi-regular pattern of breathing had been enough. Now it seemed a more proactive approach was needed.

A fury that hell hath nothing like was causing Greta’s eyes to jiggle randomly in the style of bombarded electrons. She looked as mad as a cow with a sponge brain. I was, of course, surprised that she was about to shoot me, but not that I didn’t know why. But then, like all women in my experience, she possessed the secret knowledge.

It’s impossible for a man to describe, or understand, the female comprehension of a world invisible to the male eye: The emotional landscape in which relationships flourish or wither and die. As men bumble blindly through the booby-trapped terrain of love we need guidance and women appear as angels to lead us into a valley of unknown pleasures.

At first it’s exciting and glamorous, we are granted access to an exotic new world of pink satin, perfume and powder puffs. For the sake of our own pleasure we suspend our disbelief. We buy into the importance of scatter cushions, we accept the magical powers of unbelievably priced face creams, and we even acknowledge that a poodle is a superior pet to an iguana.

But a man’s a man for all that and eventually he will realise that the delusion is quixotic. It’s a transitory romantic fantasy of a world beyond his reality. Like a man who finds himself in danger of drowning in quicksand, he panics and begins to struggle. You can’t blame him, it’s in his nature, just as it’s in a woman’s to take it personally.

And so the barrel of the Beretta breathes hate into my face and the choice is clear; lose the argument or the front half of my head.

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