She's Never Gonna Settle Down...

Evan lit another cigarette. She was always smoking too much and sometimes it got on my nerves but I never said anything about it. She was quieter when she had something other than me to focus her attention on, and I liked it when she was quiet.

Today had been quite eventful, from the 7 am wake up call I’d gotten from my sister and then Julie forgetting to let the cat out of the bathroom for two days…not to mention I’d almost run over a kid on a bike again but I swear, this time it really was his fault.

Now evan and I were sitting on her front porch and she was quiet. Too quiet, and it was then I knew something was wrong.

“so what gives, girl? Silence does not become you, ya know.” I almost hesitated in asking ‘cuz it was like opening the flood gates and I really wasn’t prepared to handle that right now.

“I dunno. I mean, I know, but I don’t know. Does that make sense?” she bit her lip and looked towards the sun. her eyes were dull even in the bright light. She was scaring me this time and I think she knew it.

“Ok. We’ll play 20 questions. I’ll ask and you just answer with “yes” or “no”. think you can handle that?”
“sure. Less talking on my part.”
I asked the first question that came to my mind. “are you pregnant?”

She laughed and gave me a sly smile. “if that were only it,” she giggled. Then her face fell flat and the frown was back.
“did something happen between you and someone?”

I knew who that someone could be, but I left it as open as I could.
Evan hesitated. Her hollow stare became fierce and she looked at me and I could see her upper lip twitching.

She couldn’t even say the words so she just nodded and I sat there for a minute, not knowing what to say next.
“Julie?”
She shook her head and started biting her fingernails and I knew I was getting close.
“Kelly?”

No again.

I tried one last time and from the look on her face, I was right.
“jared?”

It seemed the whole world stopped around us. The air was still and I couldn’t hear any birds and the city could have just collapsed right then.

I wanted to grab her and tell her he hadn’t been worth it, because I knew right then what she’d done.
“did you have help?”

She nodded.

That sent my whole system into a state of shock. Already too many people in the know. I hoped I was the third and final, but evan had never been good at keeping a secret…and this would kill her.

“who helped you, evan? How many people know?”

“Sarah. And Kinsey knows.” She broke down and grabbed onto my arm and all I could do was place my hand on her head and close my eyes.

Sarah wouldn’t be too much of a problem. She was the perfect “kato” in this situation. I’d have called on her work myself.

Kinsey was gonna be a bitch to deal with. He was sarah’s little brother and w.w.a.: whigger with attitude. There was a good possibility that he’d want to seem like a bad ass in front of his crew of thugs and tell them about what he’d heard…or done.

“fuck. Ok. Is everything…” I wasn’t quite sure how to phrase this, so I just worded it as carefully as I could. “Disposed of?”

A creepy grin came over her empty face and she raised her head a little and stared right through me.

“there was nothing left,” she whispered. Her hands were clasped tightly over her bony knees and I just watched her shell remain motionless.

I didn’t know what to say to her. It was the first time since I’d known her that she was speechless. And I was, too.

Her cell phone rang and we both jumped. She dug it out of her pocket.
“it’s sarah.” She waited for me to tell her if she should answer it and all I could think of was I’d seen this on t.v. before where the one partner in crime calls the other after the murder had been committed and then they could trace it and find out….

“don’t answer it, evan. Trust me. Just don’t talk to her for a few days.”

She tore the edge of her thumbnail off and stood up suddenly. “I want to go back inside,” she announced. She fumbled with the doorknob and it finally gave way and I followed her in.
She locked the door behind me then let out a big sigh.
“I’ve been paranoid since I got home this morning.”

I watched her close the blinds in the living room and as I sat down on her couch she started crying again.

“what do you need right now?” I asked.

“a gun,” she laughed. She grabbed a pack of marlboro’s off the table and sat beside me, guarded even more now from speaking about it.

“come on, you know that’s not funny. Wanna go get a drink? I got a joint if you wanna smoke.”

“Fuck yeah, light it up,” she growled. “I deserve it.”

I found my bic and of course it was out of fluid. I reached under the couch and found another lighter and we blazed up.
The silence was a bit more comfortable since we’d gotten high, and if it weren’t for the present circumstances, I’d almost say it was pleasant.

“do you remember when we first met, I told you that Jennifer had herpes?” she asked random questions sometimes, and that’s what I liked about her.

“yeah. That’s so gross,” I moaned.

“well, I lied.”

I couldn’t stop laughing and soon she joined in, and then we were both rolling on the floor.
“everyone avoided her like the plague after that rumor got started,” I smiled. Jennifer was my least favorite person, and the one who kept popping up in my life over and over again.

“who do you think started the rumor?” evan hit the joint and passed it back to me.

“oh my god, you’re fuckin’ nuts.” My side was hurting.

“you know, I didn’t want this to happen,” she said.

My eyes met hers and we just stared at each other for a while. Her foot brushed against my ankle and I pressed it towards hers and we kept that gaze for the longest time. She was the first one who looked away.

“I know.”

She gave me a weak smile and tears welled up in her eyes.

“I’m gonna have to disappear for a while.”

This time it was me who was biting my lip. I closed my eyes and for some reason I couldn’t open them. Perhaps I was trying to make her go away right then.

“I couldn’t leave without telling you good-bye. You’ve been my life, ya know? I mean…” she couldn’t go on.
I didn’t want her to.

“hey,” I said half-heartedly. “I could go with you.”
We both smiled at that, but I knew and she knew…it could never work.

“I love you.” She barely made a sound but her lips said it all.

We held hands for a long time and once again there was silence.

I don’t think either of us felt like talking much.

That night was the last I ever saw of evan, she’d left in the early morning hours and didn’t even tell me which direction she’d planned on going. I don’t even know if she’s still alive.


Everything in me says she’s not.