A year too late

A YEAR TOO LATE

A true story by Bobby Gaines


I wish I could say this is all a lie.... just some stupid teen drama I made up... but I cant. This is real life, and it's 100% not made up. Let me just start this story by saying....

I waited a year too long.

Now, dont expect this to be a happy story, dont expect a fairy tale ending... if you are, you havent come to the right place cuz this is no fairy tale and no, I dont live happily ever after, at least not as far as I know.

Anyway, you're probably wondering who I am.

My name's Bobby Gaines, I have brown eyes, brown hair, kinda ordinary looking I guess, in fact ordinary probably would be the best word to describe me.. at least at school.

I probably think way too much about things.... its kind of a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I use my better judgement to not drink and smoke and end up screwing myself up, but on the other hand, I sometimes stop myself from doing things that could actually help me.

Anyway, I guess this can go back to October of 2004, about a year ago.... as you can probably figure out, an ordinary guy who thinks too much, isn't gonna have a girlfriend, which... yes, sucks.

But anyway, this story is about a dance, and a hopeless dream.

At this time, I liked a girl named Brittany Soderberg, she seemed friendly enough, but of course I could only manage to casually talk to her occasionally... I was always too nervous and this is where the thinking thing comes into play.

See, sometimes it's best not to think, and I have yet to know when it's okay to turn my brain off. I wish I could just relax, I mean sometimes I can, but when Im around her, or any girl I like, I dont know, I get kinda crazy.

But as I was saying, this whole affair began at a dance in 2004, yes I know it's 2005, but Im going back a year, okay?

Now as I was saying, it was October 04, homecoming dance, an exciting time, right? No, not so much... everyone thinks it would be, but not at all, really....

See, as I mentioned I liked Brittany Soderberg and I had just learned she had had a boyfriend the night before the dance. The news came about the time of the pep rally, so of course I was glum the whole time. When I get really sad, I feel as if Im in a shell and the rest of the world just kinda wraps around me, but Im not in it... Im just lost....

Wow, thats a depressing thought, isnt it? Well that was a depressing time, but I promise it does get a little better, although after that.... well....

Anyway, the homecoming dance came and went, and.... well, wait a minute, I forgot to mention ONE thing now didnt I?

As I said already, my love Brittany had a boyfriend, a guy I thought was a jerk named Isais, and I saw him with her there that night, helping her put her jacket on as the 2 left. I was so pissed, I couldnt think of anything else all night, and as the dance wound down... well.... here it goes.

I was kinda moping in the crowd at this point, the girl I loved had left with another guy and she really didn't seem to give a crap about me... well, I should probably let you know before you start hating her, she wasn't my friend or anything and had no real obligation to me. You'll notice that throughout the story... I constantly blame people for things that really should be and are my fault... so dont take it too seriously, most of the time the other person did the right thing and I just screwed up.

But anyway, I forgot what I was talking about... oh yeah!

They were playing a slow song towards the end, always a crappy time for me, cuz as I mentioned.... I think too much, waaay too much and at that moment I saw a young girl who caught my eye. She looked good, had a purple dress on that night, her name was Ashley, I had talked to her a couple times before, but nothing major, and I dont know, I felt something for her at that point, but I was still mourning Brittany so... oh well, she wasn't that great.

Ashley was there alone and I was right there, with a perfect oppurtunity but for many reasons, many reasons I THOUGHT of, I didn't ask her, didn't say anything at all. One reason had been I liked Brittany of course and dancing with another girl would send a bad message. What's that, you say? She has a boyfriend already so why would she care? She wont, but I shouldve also mentioned, I dont always think CORRECTLY. Another reason I didn't ask Ashley to dance was... well, I was kinda nervous too.... I know this sounds lame, but Im kinda scared to ask girls to dance... yes, Im 16 and afraid of girls.

Well Im not really scared so much as I think TOO much, a reoccuring problem for me. With Brittany, btw, who ended up breaking up with what's his face, I would think too much and then blurt out this stupid thing to her that makes no sense (So I got a video game at the mall yesterday.... dont ask, dont even ask). Anyway... I didn't ask Ashley to dance, so.... big deal, right? That doesn't matter.... it's just a random girl... there's plenty of others and of course I still had my sights set on Brittany Soderberg.

In fact, you're probably thinking this story will be about Brittany, dont you? You think Ill spend the next few paragraphs or whatever babbling on about Brittany, but I just cant, I gotta be honest with you, this story has NOTHING to do with her... well I mean it kinda does, but not really. Ugh, there I go again, thinking. I never have enough confidence to just say something. I end up thinking too much about it and then when I do say it, it really does sound stupid.

I have a friend of mine, who seems to kinda get along with girls better than I do, so I think. His name is Stan Sulewski... he's kinda weird but for some reason it's a quality that attracts more people. Probably because weird is considered cool, in a weird sort of way. Not that Stan is cool, he's far from it, but he does get some attention just cuz he's unique, to say the least... is it always GOOD attention, no.... but he does get paid attention to.

Its always been kinda hard for people to like or hate me... that is like or hate me for a legitimate reason and that's cuz I never really open up enough to show people my personality... I mean, you can't hate what you dont know about people, right? Well you can't like it either... and I dont know WHY I never open up, I just dont... Im just a random face at my school, that besides my few friends, everyone knows nothing about.

I do have friends, Im not the biggest loser of all time, well at least not all the time. My other friends are Krista, Kim, Shannon, Tif... I actually do hang around with a lot of girls but because they're my friends I dont think so much with them and can feel a little more free to be myself. Thats something else about me, Im never consistent. I do one thing one way at a certain time and then a different way next time... you can never expect the same thing from me twice.

I actually am not quiet at home and with my friends, I can be quite loud, sometimes even humorous around my friends, and in fact sometimes I'll go so far to say that there is nothing wrong with me, I just dont open up enough though. I mean, I do have plenty of hobbies which I feel free to exhibit at home mostly. I enjoy going online, probably a little too much and I even made my own comic series and did a lot of stuff with computer art. In fact, if I ever mentioned these hobbies at school, Im sure I could find more people who had it in common with me, make some more friends or meet some new people.

Really, a lot of the friends I do have are because of Stan, who I met my freshmen year in high school. In many ways, I need someone like him as a friend because he's kinda loud and just says those things that I would never even think of saying. That's probably why he had so many more friends than me, but luckily because I was his friend too, I would get mixed up with his friends too, which is how I met Kim and the others.

Kim is another good friend of mine, who tries to help me out, but I guess it's kinda useless with me... if I'm ever going to get helped, it's gonna be by myself which brings me to what happened next, following the homecoming dance.

I was bummed out for a while after that dance, but luckily the rest of October 2004 was pretty exciting for me with the Red Sox winning the world series and Halloween and stuff. It was a fun month which came with some good news shortly after. Brittany and Isais had broken up and so new hope was rekindled for me, and this time I wasn't going to just let it go.

I decided to stop thinking, or at least limit my thinking and became a bit more confident over the following months if not a bit overly obsessive. I would then talk to Brittany almost every chance I got, yknow, asking her how she was doing, talking about the weather.... yeah I know, it probably sounds like Im exageratting... I mean noone would actually do this, right? Wrong.

Now keep in mind, this girl wasn't my friend, and the most she knew about me prior to October was my name, so I mean, what could she possibly be thinking of this whole thing? Well, I decided I had to try, I mean how could I ever get a girlfriend if I was too worried about what people thought? I was going to have to open up sometime. But still, even though I could now talk to her, I would still feel nervous. I had gotten over the fear to talk, but I now had nothing to say, except random crap.

The whole Brittany thing went on like this for a few months, into February 2005, when finally my whole love for her kind of faded and I think she had had enough too, so I just decided to stop talking to her... even though I hadn't even really told her how I felt or anything, which is always the worst thing for me when I like a girl, it's not even so much that they might not like me too, but the fact that I never get to go up to them and say "I like you a lot, do you want to go out with me?" Ive never said it, never came close to saying it and as far as I know never will.

Which brings us to February 26, 2005... the Friday night of the Winter Ball, another dance to look forward to... yipee....

Well not so much, see I was in a situation similiar to the HomeComing dance just months ago, although it was a bit better because my feelings for Brittany weren't nearly so bad, although it's always hard to let go, I guess.... when then, another girl's thought came to my mind.... who was it??

I'll give you one guess.... cmon think about it, I'll give you a few seconds... got it?

Ok, if you haven't figured it out by now, you shouldn't even be reading the story because you haven't been paying any attention at all. I already went over this... this story isnt about Brittany Soderberg, she was simply a prelude, something that led up to this but then has nothing to do with it, okay? She's through, done, kaput, no more talking about Brittany S., okay? The focus of the story has just shifted to Ashley Honabach.

Ashley was the girl I mentioned about 20 minutes ago or so, you may remember her... you know, she was at a dance, I danced with her, we talked for a while... oh yeah, thats right, I DIDN'T dance with her, did I? Oh well, right? With another dance comes another chance, and since I was FINALLY over Brittany, after holding on waaaay too long, I could now seek out Ashley, who in all honesty does seem like a much nicer girl.

Well, with each girl I've liked, the thing I've noticed is that the whole thing gets all the more painful and this saga is probably the worst of all, just so you know. This is where the real teen angst crap happens, where my so-called better judgement screws me over, and where a few misunderstandings, missed chances and one fateful night a year ago, all combine into one horrid night, but I'm not there yet, so don't rush it.

February 26 was a bit of a turning point for me, but not so much in a good way. I was still pretty bummed over Brittany, when I thought of a chance to meet someone new, Ashley, so I looked at that as a chance to get my spirits back up, and start something new. It was always happy to start something new, a girl who didn't know me that well and whom I could talk to without much fear because, well, she had no reason to like or hate me at this point, and that felt really good.

So February 26 was the big night and I was actually excited. That's right, I was excited for a dance and I couldn't wait to make up for the mistake I had made 5 months ago when I failed to ask Ashley to dance in that golden oppurtunity. The best part of it was Ashley hadn't known me that well, so she had almost no reason to refuse a dance from me if I asked, Im just a random guy who wants to dance with her.... so the whole thing was perfect.

Well, in all this thinking I did, in all this analyzing and considering every possibility, I hadn't considered one thing that night, as I walked up to the school in the most excitement I ever had.... the one thing I hadn't considered was... what if Ashley doesn't show up? It seemed like something that shouldve obviously been a problem to me, something to watch for, so I didn't get my hopes too high, but I was blind at this point, so depressed over the loss of Brittany, but still so happy to have a chance with another girl, it just sort of blinded me in many ways and I wasn't thinking at all for this short period of time.

So, an hour went by at this dance, and there was still no sign of Ashley. Then another hour passed until it was finally 9:00 and I had neither seen her or even heard her voice. I even started asking some of her friends if they had seen her, but nobody had, until finally I was able to draw the conclusion that she wasn't coming. Well, it wasn't my fault she wasn't coming, right? So I shouldn't have let it stop me from having fun, right? You would THINK it'd work that way, but not with me.... ooohhh noooo, I couldn't bring myself to ask a single other girl to dance or I'd feel as if I had "cheated" on Ashley and I would feel worse about that than I ended up feeling.

The Winter Ball was such a massive dissapointment. I had gotten my confidence up as high as I could but it turns out I hadn't needed it and so over the following weeks my confidence withered again, after everything seemed it was getting on track. Luckily, the one thing I had been getting consistent with was my grades as I was able to get my grades up to high honor roll level after a lifetime of inconsistency.

In this process, I would occasionally find, who else? Ashley Honabach, and just casually talk to her. It felt great that she had no opinion towards me, I still had a chance. Yknow when I think more about it now, the next dance had only been about 6 months away, if I had been smarter I wouldve limited my talking to her so I couldve had the same chance I had had at the dissapointing winter ball.... unfortunately, there would come a night when Winter Ball looked like the most fun ever...

Anyway, March and April of 2005 were actually pretty cool, even though they followed the great dissapointment that was Feb. 26... I was more relaxed, getting good grades was a good feeling, and I was even talking to Ashley occasionally, no time more than the CAPT, Connecticut Aptitude, something something. Basically it was a test, that I as a junior didn't have to take as I had taken it the year before. Ashley was a sophomore and did have to take it, though.

The test started early, ran from 9-11 or so, and juniors and seniors could come in as late as 11:20 or so, just in time for all the classes to have a lunch at the same time. It was pretty hectic though, athough in all this mess I had found Ashley and would start joking around with her and stuff. I felt good, I actually knew what to say, but it had been early too... I hadn't liked her too long.

See, what seemed to happen to me when I liked someone was almost like... this effect where I could talk to them for a while but then I would slowly deteriorate, it was really quite tragic how it would always happen, but as my feelings grew stronger, my confidence would always, grow weaker. But we weren't up to that point yet, I had only liked Ashley for a couple months and not even that much.

So Ashley and I, it seemed got along pretty well and I was sure not to talk to her too much and bug her, as I had Brittany, and was happy with how things were going, at least for a while. Towards the end of April, I might have started to get a little more nervous and started saying a lot of random things I shouldnt have. When I like someone and they start talking with a lot of other people, I almost start to get threatened and more nervous. When she'd be talking with her friends, I would feel the need to cut in and get some conversation time with her, but to no avail really, as nothing I had to say was really that interesting. I just plain didn't know her that well, and until I did, well, it was kinda awkrard.

I could feel it now, things were just starting to spiral out of control but it wasn't enough to really bother which brought me into May of 2005. God, this month sucked, it really did, and I still try to repress it out of my memory and pretend it never happened but the sad truth is it did happen, and the worst thing that happened in the month actually had nothing to do with Ashley Honabach.

I was feeling good actually, very good as I went into May. May had been a good month for me and so I thought I'd have even more to look forward as school was winding down and maybe I'd make some real progress with Ashley. It had been a week into May and things were going as well as I expected they would. I was getting all my homework in on time, chilling with Ashley and my other friends. I really felt good and to this day haven't been able to feel as good since.

May 8 was mother's day and my dad and I took her out to dinner at Sergio's Pizza. It was fun and I thought it was just the first of many fun days that May of '05 would have to offer, until we got home that day, and heard a troubling message on the machine.

My granddad's wife had called, Shirley, and said Granddad was sick. Granddad had always seemed so healthy, especially for someone his age. He was 75 and had had no previous health problems. He ran a signing company, he would always paint signs for trucks and in front of grocery stores back in the 70's but now he had gone more digital and was making decals but he was still doing quite well, or so we thought.

Granddad had had a heart attack a few days ago and was in St. Raphael's hospital in New Haven. I got to talk to him that day and even then, he still sounded fine. His arteries had been blocked 80% and he would need a bypass the next day. It seemed like he would be healthy enough to handle it and the doctors knew what they were doing.

I talked to Granddad at about 5:30 or so that day, and he told me not to worry about him, he said he would either feel a lot better, or just not wake up from the surgery at all, and if that were to happen, he said not to be sad for him, because he had had a good life. I was finally able to tell him that day that I had made the high honor roll, and it was great to hear how proud he was, cuz I never really had gotten good grades and rarely told him my grades at all, and now I finally had and it had to be under such bad circumstances. Still, I never considered he would die... I mean, I thought he had at least another good 5-10 years.

The next morning, I woke up and I felt good, I remember rolling over and felt kinda sick at first, but then I saw a throat lozenge on my dresser and took it. I felt better and thought so would Granddad. I felt good for a while, I went about my normal school day with ease, but I still had Granddad in the back of my mind, as he had gone in for surgery during my second block class. After my third block class and during lunch, someone told me my mother wanted to pick me up, so I waited out front for her.

I was starting to get more worried now and my heart began racing.... if Granddad had been alright, why couldn't she have waited until after school to get me. I knew this was about Granddad and I now began to fear the worst as her car pulled up. I knew we were going to visit him today but I didn't know at all under what circumstances we would be seeing him.

My mom barely said a word until I got in the car when out of breath she said "He wouldnt make it"

His arteries had been too damaged and even after completing the bypass, they couldn't get his heart to start back up. They had him on life support and could only keep him alive another few hours.... so the great day that should have been, May 9, 2005, was the day my Granddad died.

I sobbed on the way over, the long hour and a half ride down to New Haven. It took us forever to find the hospital, and when we did get there, we saw no sign of him at all, although some of the nurses had heard of him. We spoke to one of the nurses that had been with him the night before, and she told us what happened. By the time we had gotten there, he had officially died, he was gone and there was no way to see him. I hadn't known what to say to him if he had still been alive, how to properly say goodbye but it wouldn't have mattered... he was sedated anyway and wouldn't have recognized any of us had he still been alive another couple hours longer.

It was all over just like that, all those happy years and there was no way to get them back... and the way I said goodbye, or didn't say goodbye really, is what hurt the most. Granddad was my favorite grandparent and the last thing he had said to me was "put your mother on the phone". I had just barely gotten to tell him about my making the high honor roll which came out just 2 days later, and he had never gotten to see my name in the paper.

I was crushed and still am, although I dont show it. It seems like everyone's forgotten him now but I never will. His own wife didn't even take him to the hospital earlier when he complained of having chest pains, and his so called funeral was a joke. It was a bunch of his relatives mingling at an Italian restaurant. I had prepared a tribute tape in his honor but it was all I could do for him at this point. I always remember him and keep his card next to my computer... the easter card he had sent me, the last card he had ever sent me. I got to keep his ring, the ring he always wore. It doesn't fit me, but I keep it in a dresser drawer in a plastic bag. I still take it out sometimes to remember him.

I haven't been able to have as much fun since, as Ive often failed to see my purpose... I didnt know why I was here, what my purpose was and still dont... all I do is play video games and go online all day, not much of a purpose... I get noticed by only a few of my friends, and some of the people I DO get noticed by aren't the nicest ever. I shut up about the Granddad thing though, I was a teenager and it would be considered lame if I started crying about him, so I just let it go for a while, but keep hurting inside.

Anyway, May sucked, and that was mostly why, and I'm sure you understand why it sucked a lot more now, right? Ok then... well I still talked to Ashley as it was the only exciting thing at all about coming to school. I actually had gotten my grades up even more, a promise I made to Granddad after he died. Ashley was in my online web design class and I would talk to her occasionally, walk the halls with her sort of. It felt good, but not as good as it used to feel and the feelings of love were beginning to set in again.

As I mentioned I get threatened sort of in larger groups of people, dont know why. Ashley would talk to a lot of other people at lunch and I always would seem to feel lost in the mix. Again, dont feel bad for me, its mainly my fault for not having more guts to just talk to her more. I would follow her to my locker sometimes, make lame jokes which is really something I had to stop doing. It seems like I always thought girls liked funny guys so I'd try to be funny but it would always come out wrong. I started to get some almost negative vibes from her in June and even though I had considered asking her to be my girlfriend during the summer, I held off on it because I had thought too much about it.

Another thing I realized, and youre probably getting tired of me realizing things, is that when Im liking a girl, the more time I spend with it, the worse it's likely to get... had I asked Ashley to dance in October 2004 the whole thing might have been no issue at all. In fact that whole not dancing with her thing was starting to come back to bite me inside, and I started looking it at now as the reason I wasn't having any luck with her. Everytime I failed to ask her to something, it seemed I would get less likely to get a yes answer when I finally did ask her, but still I let many more oppurtunities slip by.

Even without a girlfriend I was still excited about the summer of 2005, a chance to kick back and relax after a long grueling year of school work. It really had been one of my harsher years as far as more school work went. I was usually used to the 4th quarter being easy as the year wound down but it stayed difficult until the very last day and I even spent more than 10 hours working on a history project staying after school every day one week just to get it done on the computer.

Another thing I had wanted to do over the upcoming summer was get a job. I know it was way too early to be thinking of it, but Christmas was coming (in 6 months) and I wanted to have a lot of money this year to buy my relatives and friends good stuff, and not the usual 10 dollar crap I would buy for them. But this, like many ideas never panned out and Im not sure why. I got a job application to a local grocery store but never finished filling it out. There's always so much going on in my brain I end up starting so many things and not finishing any of them.

This was a problem that stopped me from having the level of fun I had wanted to over the summer of 05. I instead ended up doing what I did best, or at least the most, staying at home and going on the internet. There was something fun about the internet, dont get me wrong, but I was online WAAAY too much and even I knew it. There was just not much else to do, and occasionally Ashley's thought would come to my mind and perhaps how, if Id asked her to dance a while ago, I could've been out meeting her on a date right now instead of writing this stupid story about how I didn't.

So, summer kind of winded down pretty slowly... no, actually it was fairly exciting and even though such dreams as taking Ashley to minor league baseball games would jump in and out of my mind, but I guess I couldnt complain much about that summer, well I could, but havent I done enough complaining?

In fact, enough complaining and worrying about some awful day, and blah blah blah... there'll be plenty of time for that later. So anyway, on September 1, 2005, the summer vacation ended and I would now be a senior in high school. Even though I knew what this meant, I still looked at it as just another school year, at least until April or so when the reality would hit me that I was (hopefully) graduating.

Going on now, one of the better times I can remember talking to Ashley was actually the one time I didn't think of what to say minutes in advance. I was walking down the hall on the first day, when I heard "Hey Bob", behind me. I turned around quickly and just said "Hey", then I saw it was Ashley who had said my name. It was probably the most casual thing I had said to her for a long time. As I predicted, my feelings for her had made it very hard for me to conjure up anything to say to her. It was an awful feeling, really, when Id be desperately attempting to start conversation and then her friends would show up and just start chatting away. I often felt left out in such situations and would end up walking off, or not saying much else.

In case you haven't been able to tell, Im not very social and when it comes to groups of people more than 3 or 4, I get lost in a conversation very easily. Im too obsessed with trying to "outdo" everyone or make this great statement and I end up not doing anything. Very often has my great extent of thinking (there's that T word again) led to me missing out on what could've been great.

The month of September 2005 was basically riddled of more of the same, although I have to admit senior year at that point had been turning out a bit better than I expected, and the addition of senior court helped.

I was much more relaxed outside with 3 or 4 of my friends in an open area than when I was in the crowded halls with literally dozens of people wandering around me.

If only I had met Ashley outside of school or something... she only knew me at school but the truth is that's less than half of who I am. I leave the rest of me, so to speak at home, in the stories I write and the things I do, none of which is seen at school.

So, as I was saying (sorry for another random tangent there), Ashley and I got along about as well as ever, which I was starting to think wasn't very well. We had gotten into a declining pattern of our conversations getting shorter and shorter to a point where us saying a couple things to each other was considered a long conversation. I began to worry she didn't like me, and if that was true, I had noone to blame but myself. Now that I had known her for a while there was really no excuse for not being her friend at least. I mean, she'd still joke with me sometimes, but nothing major.

Here's another interesting thing about me though... the way I see things and the way they really are is not always, in fact almost never is how they are. I always seem to put a negative twist on things, unintentionally and this makes the thinking process that much more difficult because I try to analyze how things are going both through my eyes and through the eyes of the "normal world"

Before you say nothing is wrong with me and this is just normal teenage crap, I have to say I disagree. Granted, compared to some teenagers there's really nothing wrong with me at all, but it sure feels that way, and there is something wrong with me, it's just not as bad as some things. My problem is Im too smart, yes too smart, and I look at things too logically... getting a girlfriend to me is almost like a complex equation and it doesn't have to be. Problem is I can't get myself to stop, and have you ever heard this crap about "being yourself"? As smart as I may or may not be, the one thing I haven't figured out is how to be "me", and how dumb is that? I put too much thought into it. Fact is, there's so many "me"s around. The way I am at home, right now, THAT'S me, but once I get to school I get all scrambled up, sometimes acting like this but sometimes trying to be funny, sometimes trying to be quiet, sometimes trying to be loud, almost obnoxious. I guess a lot of people go through it, but the fact that I still haven't figured out my true personality is quite pathetic.

Another problem I guess is how much time I spend alone... when I get home usually neither of my parents are home until late on the weekdays, so I basically just sit on the computer for a few hours until they get home. At school I don't have too many friends so Im alone for my study halls and most of my classes. See the problem? I can only think when Im ALONE... when Im with my friends or with other people, Im mostly focusing on the conversation but because I'm alone so much I have time to think and "plot", so to speak... waaay too much time.

Okay, thats it, enough depressing crap, it's spirit week now, the last week of September and I'm just going to enjoy myself for a little while, maybe not take things so seriously and soak in what's around me. The homecoming dance is this Saturday and Im actually excited for it, so I can't wait.

In the meantime though, I cant help but feel a little guilty I didn't ask Ashley to it, although I still have some time, about 5 days or so to be exact. Ive struggled with the idea, figuring if I asked her, I could very easily make an ass of myself and not even get the chance to have a friendly dance with her, but if I didn't... well the possibilties could be far worse.

See what Im doing now, Im th-- never mind, you guys know the drill by now. Im doing that thing I always do, and it's making me insane. Im still happy about spirit week but now the little voice in my head occasionally mutters how I should ask Ashley to the dance, but it's still easier to just... I dont know, not ask her... I mean I only see her for a few minutes in the morning and I don't need the pressure of "popping the question" right then and there with many of her friends watching me.

Yeah, I know what youre saying... it's a dumb idea, not asking the girl I like to the dance but I have a funny feeling that it could work out, cuz then we'll meet each other there and who knows? Maybe when Im just hanging out in the room with the punch, she'll walk in and we can talk for a while alone (hint: this comes back in a big way at the end of the story).

As I said before, I was actually excited about homecoming for the first time since 2003, and for good reason as I had more than a 50% chance that Ashley was coming, although I heard something Friday night that kinda gave me a bad feeling, almost ominous. What she told me is that Ashley (who she talks to sometimes) asked her about various people and if they were going to the dance, and she asked my name. Did this mean....? She WANTED me to come to the dance??? But then, if I had asked her, she might've.... NO, it couldnt be.

Well, no big deal anyway, because I would be going to the homecoming dance. I got a hot looking black shirt and tie and I was ready for the dance.

Saturday, October 1, 2005 was the night of the homecoming dance, and I was taking it WAAAY too seriously. I loaded myself up on caffeinne before I came (something I told myself to make me less nervous, that if I drank more Coke it dulled my brain). I hyped myself up WAY too much, and... well, let me tell it how it happened.

I got to the dance about 5 minutes early, I was so excited and ready to meet Ashley whereever she was. I felt hope for the first time since February 26, 2005, but something about it, felt ominous as well. I was almost too excited and then nerves kicked in and it wasn't a good combination.

The first thing I did upon being admitted into the dance was run into the Caf and have a drink of Coke, hoping it would sort of calm me. It kind of did and then I end up drinking more until I felt the caffeinne high which.... well wasn't the start of anything good.

Ashley did arrive at the dance this time at around 8 or so, an hour in, after I had been getting a little worried. She did arrive though, and she was wearing a nice pink shirt and a skirt. She looked as good as ever but I thought I had a chance nonetheless... until I THOUGHT about it.

I was awkrard around her when she first came and this got me worried in an instant. So as a panic tactic, I ran back into the "Coke Room" and chugged another few cans down, and now my heart was racing and I knew if I got up and went to talk to her Id do something REALLY stupid so I let myself rest for a few minutes first, but then Stan and Kim came in, and Stan told me something.

"Junita told her that you like her"

Junita was a nosy friend of mine, constantly intrigued about the prospect of me getting a girlfriend and as much as I told her to stay out of it, she'd occasionally get right in there. I felt sort of betrayed, yes, but at the same time, I didn't know for sure what effect this would have on Ashley, or me.

Stan was already apologizing, the usual "Im sorry, Bob, dont worry about it..." but I didn't need sympathy, nor did I WANT sympathy, nothing had gone majorly wrong yet and already I was having pity heaped on me. This got me so pissed I just...

I whipped myself around and gave Stan a hard punch to the shoulder, I glared at him, scaring my 2 friends away. I hadn't needed this crap this early in the dance. It was only half past 8 and there was still a chance, but I was so angry over what had transpired already, that I forced myself to down another couple of sodas, to the point of almost feeling sick, so I stopped, before going back onto the dance floor.

When I got back out there, my nervousness around Ashley hadn't worn off at all, in fact it was even worse, as my veins were surging with Coke and Mountain Dew at this point. I had hyped myself up way too much is what I realized and had barely been able to talk to her except for a little "Hey, whats up?" but then she did, as she did at school, shy away from me.

I was starting to feel frustration and depression... nothing was working out and I was starting to feel sick now from all the frickin' soda. So, I went back into the caf and drank water now, as I started to feel the sugar rush leave me.

Just then, Kim came in (listen to this part well, it's a turning point) and told me her and others were playing "Duck, duck goose". Yes I said, duck duck goose. My friends had sort of the mentality of 6 years olds which is partly why I liked them as friends to begin with. I felt so kinda sick and depressed though, I didn't feel like playing that and risking my making a fool of myself in front of Ashley. I declined many time (what was I thinking?!) and then when Kim did get me to go along with it, Ashley and the others had left (are you kidding me??)

The night was spiraling downhill at a rapid pace. I had barely talked to Ashley and had in fact blown a couple obvious chances to dance with her. I had observed something interesting about her that night though... she looked quiet, timid, almost afraid. She still cracked her usual jokes occasionally but I dont know... I almost saw myself in her for a second.

Finally, the first slow song came on, and I managed the guts to walk casually up beside her and ask "You want to dance?"

"Im looking for someone" she said nervously, completely ignoring my request, although now I had a way to start conversation.

I asked her who she was looking for but she didnt tell me other than "I cant remember". Still it was good talking to her and it was very casual, mainly cuz I was transitioning from caffeinne high back to normal.

I had lost some of my edge and thus was able to talk to her easier but unfortunately that short conversation we had (which actually did last a good few minutes) was the peak of the night. That's right, in case you haven't figured it out by now, the "terrible night" mentioned a few times in this story previously is October 1, 2005... my homecoming dance... my SENIOR homecoming no less.

I had some sparks of fun, that made it seem like she did want to be with me, but it was generally a rotten time, although it looked like she wasn't enjoying herself too much either. Then I learned something heartbreaking later from Kim.

Before, when they were off playing duck, duck goose (you know, back when I was off moping), Ashley had wanted me to come, and had Kim try to find me, but didn't want Kim to tell me that she was looking for me... could it be?? Ashley had wanted to find me... but then if I had come, I couldve... if I had asked her to the dance, I couldve... if I had asked her to dance a year ago.... I couldve....

I spent almost literally an hour moping now, walking around the room aimlessly, eyeing her from afar. Why didn't I just talk to her? I dont know, I was tempted to, but in my mood it probably wouldnt' have come out right. I tried to talk a couple times but she seemed to want to get away. Perhaps she HAD liked me and was angry or something about... I dont know... go figure girls.

Could it have been, I had broken her heart the way she had seemingly broken mine when I didnt come before? Could it be that the reason she shied away from me so much was because she LIKED me? I always saw the negative possibilties but was usually blinded towards such positives. I couldnt believe this... I had been given so many chances to get what I wanted and failed to see them.

What was almost as bad however was how I treated my friends, pushing them away, refusing to dance with them. The night was awful because of me... I was too nervous, too excited, too EVERYTHING when I got there. I guess it's what I get for bottling up emotions so much. I made this night a living hell, and my senior homecoming of all things. This wasn't something I could just do again the next night... this was permanent. I'd never go to another homecoming dance again (unless it was with a high school senior in college or something) and the next dance wasn't until February of 2006, and who knows if she'd even come to that one?

Which brings us to the cruel finale... the one thing that brings us back to the begginning. After this night of hell, this night of dissapointment and heartbreak, the final slow dance was being played when I noticed Ashley slinking away. Apparenly she hadn't found who she was looking for, but maybe I could still BE who she was looking for. I knew in my heart that even one dance with Ashley wouldve made the whole night the best night ever (Im serious.)

So as she was slinking off towards the CAF (the room with the punch) I asked her if she wanted to dance with me... a year later, I got the request out, but she seemed to barely answer... it was just her and I alone in the room with the punch (remember when I dreamt of this earlier) and I asked her again, louder this time....

"Do you want to dance?"

She turned away and silently muttered "No"

I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to act too broken up about it, but I didn't want to seem uncaring. So I slunk off and wished her a good night as I left. I had finally asked her to dance, and after a year of wondering... I realized....

I waited a year too long.

There were many other things I wanted to say to her at that time. I wanted to tell her how much I cared about her, how I had waited so long for even that chance... how I had just wanted so badly to get to know her better, but it was hardly the best time... she seemed as depressed as I... and emotions were too high... I still dont know for sure if she ever liked me... obviously her refusing my dance strongly argues against it, but then again, who knows? She seemed broken up the whole night, and I kept trying to ask her what was wrong with no effect. Maybe she was as depressed as I was, or maybe not.... maybe she was just disgusted with me and how she heard about how much I liked her and then I never backed it up.... maybe that's what happened.

To be honest, I could think of several reasons and several possibilities to what REALLY happened but all I really have is my side of the story, although I feel bad for my friends too. I treated Stan and Kim like crap the whole night and Kim's night didn't go well at all. October 1, 2005 was a bust, and I was heartbroken, truly heartbroken.

Believe it or not, I still havent given up hope (it only happened a couple nights ago)... I still think she might like me, or maybe Im fighting a hopeless battle. Things between her and I are about the same but now I have reason to believe she might actually like me. I'd like to see what would happen if I stopped thinking, it might actually be good, but Ill never know...

Please dont give me advice, or try to tell me what to do next... because it's almost impossible to change my ways, it has to happen inside me and has only happened on a couple occasions. Someday, I'll figure the whole thing out, but for now... I dont know....

I end the story with the note I wrote to her, on October 3, 2005, a couple days after the dance. I still keep in my binder in one of the deep, deep hidden pockets.... it goes something like this....

Ashley,

What would I really say to you, if I was able to talk to you myself? About now, I would say I'm sorry, plain and simple if it's
true I hurt you, and I'm sorry for how I behaved that fateful night.
But when I think about it, if I could talk to you, I'd keep it simple,
I wouldn't bore you with some dramatic speech about love and life and blah blah blah....

I would just tell you that the truth is Im unable to talk to you a lot. Very often I do not feel worthy. I just try to act cool so that maybe you'll give me a second look and whether or not it works,
it's not who I really am.

If I haven't scared you off by now, I'd like your phone number, or I.M. or email... any way to stay in touch with you. There's just too much going on at school and I think it makes us all crazy. I'd like to talk sometime, you dont have to love me but I think it'd be nice if we could just talk.

I'm sorry if I seem like a jerk to you, Ashley. Very often I feel the same way. I dont know why I do some of the things I do, but you have to believe me, at heart Im a nice guy and I honestly and truely believe we have more in common than you think. I'd probably make things worse if I actually sent you this note, so I won't.
This is just something I had to write, even if you can never see it.
Maybe someday when Im more mature, I'll tell you how I really feel.

-Bobby Gaines